Is this normal behaviour from husband ?

Amioverthinkingthis · 2026-03-27T02:55:12+00:00

I am CRINGING inside out writing this but I need to know if this kind of behaviour is normal in a marriage. Is makes me feel ever so slightly uncomfortable and despite telling DH many times he can’t seem to help himself or change his behaviour. I mentioned to a friend recently and she said it was icky. I can’t think of anywhere else to get a range of opinions without surveying my mates in real life which would make me die of embarrassment! - He seems unable to give me a hug or cuddle without touching my boobs or bum in some way - if I initiate a cuddle in bed he will immediately put his hands on me under my pjs unless I specifically say ‘can I have a hug but don’t make it sexual’ - If I say no thanks he acts like it physically pains him, in a kind of jokey way - sometimes he is so horny he claims he can’t sleep I feel like I’m saying , no , not today, get off almost on a daily basis. We have a regular sex life, few times a week, but it doesn’t seem enough for him. He’s always trying his luck! When I speak to him about it he says omg you are making out like I’m some kind of pervert for thinking my wife is sexy. Am I unreasonable for expecting at least some physical attention which is not sexual?! We’ve been together 13 years when will this wear off 😂 opinions please

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 27/03/2026 03:13

I’ve been in a relationship like this and it did my fucking head in. Particularly when I started a stressful job with long hours and he wa after sex every fucking night when I dragged myself to bed. It was constant and used to make me rage that I couldn’t just go to bed and sleep without interference or an argument, or having to mention I wasn’t interested or ask him not to do it beforehand. It made it worse that it was a daily thing so my irritability grew. But it’s equally bad if your partner rarely initiates and you feel unsexually attractive. I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum.

I don’t know what the answer is but it sounds like you’ve got your have serious talk if your response to this situation is increasing on the negative as it will build. If he doesn’t take you seriously when you try to be grown up and diplomatic about it it’s probably time to find your anger so he knows how much he is pissing you off. Tell him you are increasingly finding it a turn off and are beginning to lose your attraction to him as he’s a grown man acting like a teenaged boy. If you have a spare room take yourself off to it each time he carries on with this behaviour after you’ve spoken with him - he will get a jolt and his ability to suddenly be able to control himself will miraculously materialise.

Original poster

Amioverthinkingthis · 27/03/2026 03:45

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 27/03/2026 03:13

I’ve been in a relationship like this and it did my fucking head in. Particularly when I started a stressful job with long hours and he wa after sex every fucking night when I dragged myself to bed. It was constant and used to make me rage that I couldn’t just go to bed and sleep without interference or an argument, or having to mention I wasn’t interested or ask him not to do it beforehand. It made it worse that it was a daily thing so my irritability grew. But it’s equally bad if your partner rarely initiates and you feel unsexually attractive. I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum.

I don’t know what the answer is but it sounds like you’ve got your have serious talk if your response to this situation is increasing on the negative as it will build. If he doesn’t take you seriously when you try to be grown up and diplomatic about it it’s probably time to find your anger so he knows how much he is pissing you off. Tell him you are increasingly finding it a turn off and are beginning to lose your attraction to him as he’s a grown man acting like a teenaged boy. If you have a spare room take yourself off to it each time he carries on with this behaviour after you’ve spoken with him - he will get a jolt and his ability to suddenly be able to control himself will miraculously materialise.

Yes it’s really starting to get me down now. It’s constant .
He actually says well you wouldn’t want someone who never initiated would you?! Which I agree with but … surely there’s a balance??

OP posts:

FeralWoman · 27/03/2026 03:49

Not normal. Does he realise that you’re a whole human being and not just a walking life support system for your genitals, bum and boobs?

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 27/03/2026 03:57

Amioverthinkingthis · 27/03/2026 03:45

Yes it’s really starting to get me down now. It’s constant .
He actually says well you wouldn’t want someone who never initiated would you?! Which I agree with but … surely there’s a balance??

Show quote history

There is a balance, you’re right. I honestly think you should speak to him in a calm but firm way and explain that his behaviour is backfiring because it’s actually making you feel a bit repulsed and less attracted to him. If that doesn’t give him the shove he needs then maybe consider getting up and sleeping in the spare room as I suggested or going downstairs to watch tv/make a cup of tea etc. He will hate this and it will force him to consider his behaviour and its impacts you and your relationship. He isn’t taking your concerns seriously, which is a red flag as he feels his sexual needs outrank your emotional ones. You say you’re having regular sex, which is a lot more than most couples who have been together as long as you. He doesn’t know how lucky he is in that respect!

If you want this to stop, it’s time to get tough. Telling him in the way you have been isn’t working so be harder with your approach. If you tell him he is going to force you out of your own bed and he doesn’t take you seriously - show him. Some ppl need this for it to strike home and resonate. Good luck.

Original poster

Amioverthinkingthis · 27/03/2026 04:46

@WhatTheHellsGoingOn I am hopeless at tough love but it’s good advice, I will try!!

He is definitely used to me not giving him a hard time and just rolling my eyes but largely accepting it.

I have tried telling him it makes me feel disrespected and it’s not all about sex and he agrees but at the same time makes comments like ‘you’re lucky to have an husband who still thinks you’re the sexiest woman in the world and not shagging his secretary’ .

On top of (what I believe ) is regular sex he also sees to himself, as it were (cringe) , right next to me in bed and then starts begging me to get involved as it’s not the same without me . Ugh, it’s so tiring

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PineconeBiscuits · 27/03/2026 06:36

It sounds as if he is lacking in emotional maturity and you have said yourself that you usually let him off.
I think you need to try and have a conversation with him at a comfortable time, not when its happening. Just be calm and factual that not all physical intimacy has to lead elsewhere. Assure him that just because you don't feel like anything else at the time, doesnt mean you don't like him anymore.

I dont think there is anything wrong with you guys having different sex drives. It think thats really common and I'd say it changes overtime too but you do have to respect each other and compromise.

Burntt · 27/03/2026 07:10

Yeah it’s not ok. Icky is a mild word for it

Original poster

Amioverthinkingthis · 27/03/2026 07:17

Burntt · 27/03/2026 07:10

Yeah it’s not ok. Icky is a mild word for it

Haha yes a stronger word would be arsehole!

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Original poster

Amioverthinkingthis · 27/03/2026 07:18

PineconeBiscuits · 27/03/2026 06:36

It sounds as if he is lacking in emotional maturity and you have said yourself that you usually let him off.
I think you need to try and have a conversation with him at a comfortable time, not when its happening. Just be calm and factual that not all physical intimacy has to lead elsewhere. Assure him that just because you don't feel like anything else at the time, doesnt mean you don't like him anymore.

I dont think there is anything wrong with you guys having different sex drives. It think thats really common and I'd say it changes overtime too but you do have to respect each other and compromise.

I think that’s it - I get frustrated because it’s not always about sex for me. Often it isn’t .

I will try and talk to him about it - again

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Tulipsriver · 27/03/2026 07:26

Amioverthinkingthis · 27/03/2026 04:46

@WhatTheHellsGoingOn I am hopeless at tough love but it’s good advice, I will try!!

He is definitely used to me not giving him a hard time and just rolling my eyes but largely accepting it.

I have tried telling him it makes me feel disrespected and it’s not all about sex and he agrees but at the same time makes comments like ‘you’re lucky to have an husband who still thinks you’re the sexiest woman in the world and not shagging his secretary’ .

On top of (what I believe ) is regular sex he also sees to himself, as it were (cringe) , right next to me in bed and then starts begging me to get involved as it’s not the same without me . Ugh, it’s so tiring

Edited

That crosses the line between icky and sexual cohesion IMO. So does telling you you're lucky he wants you instead of shagging his secretary or whatever.

think he needs a serious ultimatum to treat you with respect or leave.

Myfridgeiscool · 27/03/2026 07:26

This is a massive turn off. It should be possible to have a hug without being groped. The ‘excuse’ that you’re ‘the sexiest woman in the world’ doesn’t make it OK for him to not control himself. He sounds like an annoying dog that keeps trying to shag your leg. He needs to grow up and show some respect.

ThisJadeBear · 27/03/2026 07:30

There is a thread somewhere else in here where things have escalated and it’s exhausting to look at.
You have not reached this stage - assault - but your partner is saying the same things - that you are lucky he finds you attractive, he can’t help it, just help me out here etc.
It is far, far worse than you are making out.
It is abuse.
The fact that he ‘sorts himself out’ in bed next to you and asks you to ‘help’ is vile.
The fact that you have to tell him things aren’t sexual.
The fact that he refers to sex during the day, gropes you and it’s a battle every night..
He has no respect for you. I’m sorry to be so blunt but to him you are just there as a ‘thing’ your own sexuality, feelings, thoughts and needs do not enter his head.
You should not stay.
He will not change.
And if he tries to make out you are lucky he’s not shagging his secretary is also vile,

Original poster

Amioverthinkingthis · 27/03/2026 07:56

Noted! I will definitely tell him to bugger off more firmly next time.

He has said the secretary thing once or twice. He is joking but it just gives me the ick!

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Phoenix1Arisen · 27/03/2026 08:48

The secretary comment is cruel. It has only one purpose and that is to make you feel insecure.

In your shoes, I'd be pointing out very clearly that threats of this nature are a two way street. "That plumber/electrician/gardener working at number 27 is a good-looking chap, isn't he"?

TwistedWonder · 27/03/2026 09:50

Honestly he sounds like a tiresome sex pest who thinks with his dick and has the maturity of Jay from The Inbetweener.

The shagging his secretary comment does come across as ‘give in to my sexual demands otherwise I’ll get it elsewhere’

He sounds as grim as fuck and one step away from
sexually assaulting you

mochimoons · 27/03/2026 09:54

Amioverthinkingthis · 27/03/2026 04:46

@WhatTheHellsGoingOn I am hopeless at tough love but it’s good advice, I will try!!

He is definitely used to me not giving him a hard time and just rolling my eyes but largely accepting it.

I have tried telling him it makes me feel disrespected and it’s not all about sex and he agrees but at the same time makes comments like ‘you’re lucky to have an husband who still thinks you’re the sexiest woman in the world and not shagging his secretary’ .

On top of (what I believe ) is regular sex he also sees to himself, as it were (cringe) , right next to me in bed and then starts begging me to get involved as it’s not the same without me . Ugh, it’s so tiring

Edited

'Sorting himself out in bed' is absolutely disgusting and really tips this all over in to something irredeemable IMO.

RosesAndHellebores · 27/03/2026 09:57

He is viewing you as a sex toy and rhere is no mutual respect.

On another level, you say you have a high stress job that leads to exhaustion. What does he do and is his overall input into family finances, domestic duties, etc, equal to yours? Children? There may well be other areas of unfairness. Why does he have more energy than you? Is he rendering less of himself?

atamlin · 27/03/2026 09:57

Does he have a bit of a weird relationship with his Mum? As in, when he goes to his childhood home, does he behave like a teenager and his Mum encourages it?

Belladog1 · 27/03/2026 10:01

My X was like this. I felt like I was living my life in a Benny Hill sketch. He couldn't just give me a hug - there was always a grope.

To be honest it wore me down and I stopped letting him 'hug' me which then led to us separating some years later as he got the hump and all intimacy stopped.

Tablesandchairs23 · 27/03/2026 10:55

Eww he's treating you like a sex toy. Its a total lack of respect. You need to have a strong word with him.

XMissPlacedX · 27/03/2026 14:10

9 years I’ve been telling DH that his sulking when I’ve said no to sex is off putting but it still doesn’t seem to sink in. We have had blazing rows about it and I asked him what he would think if his own daughter said her bf wasn’t speaking to her over the same thing. Literally in one ear and out of the other! Let me know if you manage to get through to him and I’ll try the same thing !

GlosGirl82 · 27/03/2026 14:20

I would actually find this disrespectful, abusive and like coercion. I have the opposite. My husband rarely comes to bed when I do and I usually initiate- BUT it means I get choice, feel in the mood and it feels mutual and special.

SirChenjins · 27/03/2026 14:26

That is absolutely grim - he pesters you for sex constantly and wanks next to you in bed? Absolutely not OK, I would have seriously lost my temper with him by now. Either he starts treating you with respect or he gets the fuck out - is what I'd be saying. You deserve better than a hormonal teenager as a life partner.

User2025meow · 27/03/2026 15:06

No woman would say these things to a man. No woman would act like this. And the comment "you’re lucky to have a husband who still thinks you’re the sexiest woman in the world and not shagging his secretary" - I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with him after saying that. Why can't he protect this relationship? Why doesn't he care that you're unhappy with his behaviour? Why isn't he trying to be mature and understand the impact of his behaviour on you, care about how you feel, and find ways to get along better? There's no point being in a relationship with a 'man' like this. He acts like a 15 year old. Is that what you want to be with?

Mischance · 27/03/2026 15:15

he also sees to himself, as it were (cringe) , right next to me in bed and then starts begging me to get involved

He hasn't got a clue has he? I would show him the door frankly.

Bad enough you being under constant siege from a sex pest without him wanking right next to you.

Does he have anything at all to recommend him?