Feeling stuck 😔

[NewBluePlayer]

My partner of 5 years is an alcoholic. When I met him he would have 4 cans of alcohol each night after work to relax which never bothered me but this has got worse over time. He now drinks anything between 10-18 cans of lager a day.
This has affected his work and he was let go from his job as he was always late or not showing up due to struggling to get out of bed in the morning.
He has been out of work for over 6 months now, occasionally getting the odd job here and there ( he is self employed) but nothing that lasts.
I have been paying all the bills and everything myself which he knows I am struggling with.
He disturbs my sleep every night, I go to bed on my own and he stays up drinking. When he comes to bed he staggers around banging which sets my dogs off barking and wakes me up. He then passes out snoring while I am wide awake and have to then go and sleep on the sofa.
he sits around doing nothing all day just scrolling through videos on his phone for hours on end.
He always promises he’s got work coming up but nothing ever comes from it and there is always an excuse why that job didn’t work out.
I am at my wits end with him and I’ve told him exactly how I feel. I’ve asked him to leave but he said no and “make me”, he said he has nowhere to go.
he lives with me in my house and he is not on my tenancy. His father (also an alcoholic) has funded his drinking habit for the last few months.

Things were very good between us for the first few years when his drinking was under control but now things are so bad. He has done quite a bit of work on my house in the past which I am grateful for, we were planning on buying the house together but this is not going to happen, he never has money and any money he does get goes on alcohol. He said I am horrible for asking him to leave after the work he has done on my house which makes me feel bad. He has admitted he has a problem and he needs a beer to feel normal. His father sends him money to get beer and always invites him to the pub ( his father does nothing all day and goes to the pub every single night and this is how my partner was brought up)

I went to sleep on my sofa yet again last night after being woken up and found a towel on my living room floor which had been used to cover up a pile of sick from my partner which he had just covered up and went to bed. I was so upset and shouted at him to clean it up but he just passed out on the bed and I had to clean it so I could sleep on my sofa yet again. He had no memory of this in the morning and didn’t understand why I was upset and didn’t want to speak to him. His reply was ‘sorry I was sick for god sake’ like I am overreacting

I work from home and he just sleeps all day. There is no benefit from being with him anymore I feel like he is dragging me down but he makes me feel so guilty for not wanting to be with him anymore.

his daughter is due to stay with us this weekend and I am dreading it. She is 6 years old and he does nothing with her. I used to plan fun days out for us all but realised I was the only one doing this so I stopped to see if he would make the effort… she now spends her weekend with us sat on the sofa watching her tablet, she doesn’t even get dressed on the Saturday. They both sit on the sofa watching screens for the whole weekend.

My son is 21 and has his own place, I have started spending more time at his home when I can and he can see it’s getting me down, he tells me i deserve so much better and I know I do but why is it so hard for me to get this man out of my house?
When we have fallen out in the past he has gone to stay on friends sofas for a few days but will always beg non stop to come back, he has threatened to take his own life and the guilt always takes over and I let him back which I instantly regret.
My home is so much more peaceful without him in it. I now spend most days sat in my bedroom while he is in my living room as I can’t be around him. If I do sit in the same room as him we don’t really speak he just scrolls on his phone

Thank you for reading all of this so far, how do I get this man out of my home?

SS are involved with his daughter because her mother was a drug addict but is now clean. They gave my partner custody every other weekend

If he has no legal right to be there then police may assist ?.

Yes she does know. SS know he is an alcoholic too. My partner tells me if I kick him out he will have nowhere to have his daughter

@NewBluePlayer “My partner tells me if I kick him out he will have nowhere to have his daughter”

Not your problem.

It's not his house. You give him maybe a week's notice, and then you call the police if needed to remove him, and you change the locks the same day. You could do it on less notice if you're worried about him taking things from the house or destroying your stuff.

And his poor life choices impacting his options and childcare are not your problem. His child isn't exactly getting quality time with her engaged father anyway, is she, poor thing?

Oh, and if he threatens suicide after (though you could just block him once he's gone), then you just call the police and request a welfare check on him, every time. It's a manipulation technique and they tend to stop when the police keep coming round.

And in the extremely unlikely event it's not, the police are also best placed to help him if needed.

They are very aware, his daughter gets asked by her school and SS what she gets up to with her dad and her mother is also aware. The only agreement that was made because of this is that I am to pick her up and drop her home, he is not to drive with her 😥

Thank you for your comment. I do worry about him damaging my home and if I gave a weeks notice he would spend that week begging and guilt tripping me until I give in. I do know I need to toughen up. I don’t like any confrontation and feeling like I am being horrible to another person always makes me feel bad but I know I can’t keep living like this

Have you got anyone you could ask to back you up? A family member, preferably a man?

Just call the police and say he is refusing to leave its your house he has no rights to be there. Everything else he says; he has no where to go/have his daughter thats all problems of his own making. You are not his mother

OP this is NOT your problem, you did not ask for this behavour and disrespect, its NOT your problem what happens regarding his weekends with his DD, NOT your issue. You are codependent here and it will continue while you allow this.

His exchuse that he was brought up this way is him attempting to normalise this to you, knowing full well this is not what you signed up for.

Seeing he is not on the tenancy you can simply put tell him to leave. He is so disrespectful and so far down his own ass with his drinking that you are now out of your own home, own bed and staying at your DS place, what length does he need to push you till you realise that he is using all your resources without any care for you, no care at all. You need to stop this as you can legally, or are you wanting this to be like this another year?

My ex husband is an alcoholic so I know what is said to reel partners in, the excuses, the future fakery, the promises, the pleading, anything to keep the benefits going that come with you, this isnt love.

Oh gosh it does sound grim.
i think you need to invoke some pretty firm boundaries here. He gets help or he leaves.

Do not feel bad. These are HIS choices and I honestly don’t think many people would put up with the status quo.

He is an alcoholic. His only relationship is with alcohol.
That’s it.
He will not care about you, his daughter or anyone else while he is drinking.
He is now holding you hostage in your own home. It doesn’t matter if he’s done some work on it, so what?
Stop feeling guilty - his relationship with his daughter and his work woes are not your problem.
By propping him up and letting him behave like this in your home, you are enabling him.
He will try every trick in the book to stay but will have no care about the damaging he is doing.
Let him go to his dad, wherever that is.
It has been 5 years but it is clear that this has been brewing for a long time.
Take back your life.
If he stays it will get worse, and worse.
Anyone on herd with experience will tell you the same.
You must put yourself first, he does not care about you, he is using you and your home.
And now abusing both, too.

Thank you for all the comments. I appreciate every single one. I don’t have anyone to come and help me get him out. My son and my mum are aware of what’s happening and have offered to tell him to leave but i don’t want any confrontation for them. This is my mess I need to get myself out of.
I know I am just enabling his behaviour. I wanted to believe the lies about changing and that things will get better that’s why I’ve put up with this for so long. I knew it would get to the point I couldn’t bare to be around him and that’s where I am at now.
The next time he leaves my home to go to the pub or wherever it may be I am going to pack his things and take them to his dad’s house and keep my doors locked. I am going to let social services know that contact with his daughter will no longer be at my home so they can arrange something else and I will also make them aware he is still heavily drinking so she can be safe.
Thank you all again 😊

Thank you so much for your comment. You are very right and I have been enabling this. He is so good at excuses and future fakery, it’s a tactic they use to keep you around.
I have made family members aware of what’s happening and the plan is to take all his belongings to his dads the next time he leaves my house and lock him out.
I know I will be a stronger person the second he is gone. Thank you

OP! Could you get your DS or a friend to come round after you’ve tipped him out? Just in case he decides to come back and tries to enter by force….
But you are doing exactly the right thing. It’s very sad, but unless he faces up to his alcoholism and decides to do something about it, nothing will change. Good luck, and stay strong.

Well done on standing your ground. He can live with his dad.

You will be much better off once he is out. An ex of mine was an alcoholic and I had to evict him from my home which was very stressful. If you need help from people who are going through the same as you try to find a local Alanon group. This is a great support group for those affected by an alcoholic and I found it really helpful. Good luck 🌹

If you have even the slightest concern that he'll cause damage to your home or turn nasty on you, please contact your local police. Tell them you are about to end a relationship and you want him out of your house. They can advise you and put a note against your address for an immediate response in case he kicks off.

Once your partner is out of the house, you need to have the locks changed on all the external doors. Any sign of him causing you issues, then you must call the police. It's a good idea to advise SS, once your partner has left that he is no longer living at your address and therefore his contact with his daughter will no longer be at your address. You must tell them that he's drinking heavily, and his daughter wouldn't be safe with him.

Stay strong OP. You have no ties to this man. Once he's out of your life, you don't have to see or hear from him again.

You’ll be doing that kid a favour making him homeless with nowhere to have her. Tell him to pack his shit in the morning and set yourself free of this absolute leech. It’s a shame for the kid but you can’t take responsibility for someone else’s kids. Live your own life and enjoy it. There is no need to have this asshat in your home sponging off you a minute longer. Can’t even sleep in the bed you pay for, absolutely fucking not!

I think you have a duty of care to inform the social workers that his daughter is not safe with him. She should not visit him.
I think you need to get him out of your house. That may be by the Police.
You don't deserve to be living like this. You are worth far more than this.
But you must tell social services that he is not well enough to have his child. That is essential.