Is this a mild form of gaslighting?

[AmILosingThePlot]

If a partner repeatedly changes the narrative within a relationship by saying that you initiated something when it was in fact him, is that a form of gaslighting?

This has happened 5 times now. Over small things, but it is bothering me.

Not enough to go on here but if DH said I initiated something and it was actually him I would say ‘xyz happened’ - are you not talking to him about him being inaccurate?

Absolutely... 100%!! If a partner has you second guessing the truth, let them know that they are talking utter shit...

If he’s doing it on purpose then, unlike most times on MN when something is described as gaslighting, I would say that it is.

Keep watching, don’t confront him directly about it, and be careful.

It might help to go on your local Freedom Programme, which I think you can also do online.

Yes even over small things, changing the narrative intentionally is gaslighting/lying - unless there’s an underlying health issue meaning he’s got memory problems?

I’d suggest that to him and see how he reacts, ‘I’m concerned you seem to be having issues remembering what’s happened xyz, are you ok, I’m worried about your memory’ his reaction will be telling.

I have said to him that these things did not happen they way he suggested, but he does not remember it that way.

I am leaning towards believing he has avoidant tendencies, and that this is part of what he does to remove himself from responsibility for the relationship in some way. Perhaps because it feels safer for him to not have been the one who initiated serious things.

Finding it a bit of a mind f**k to be honest.

Gaslighting is specifically when he knows it was different to how he's saying, and in trying to convince you of something not true, is making you think you're crazy.

It's a lot overused, because people's memories are not at all accurate, and it's very possible that two people truly and sincerely "remember" the same event as happening differently (and that the actual truth is different from both of their memories). It's why eyewitness testimony in criminal cases is in fact extremely inaccurate, although we're wired to believe it's true.

Only you know which of those is more likely in your case though.

It's designed to be a headfuck, OP. How is the relationship otherwise, do you think he's trying to rewrite history as a way of getting out without having to be accountable?

I find it a very confusing relationship. He can be, to me, hot and cold.

So for example one day I will get "I want to be with you forever".. maybe the next day or even half an hour later the same day he will say "nothing lasts forever, does it?" And if I don't agree with that statement he will be puzzled.

It feels like to me that he gives with one hand and takes away with the other, so I am never quite sure where I stand.

At first I thought it was me being emotionally weak or needy or maybe even batshit crazy..and maybe those are true, but there is a definite pattern.

Any of my friends I have discussed it with have literally been like, wtf?

It's a giant mindfuck for me.

They are not entirely contradictory he can want to be with you forever and at the same time know nothing lasts forever for instance we all die at some point. Unless he was implying your relationship won't last, but again he might want it to.

If you discuss important things it can be quite possible to each come away thinking it was what your partner wanted or confused about who really started the discussion. Did you both agree in the end or you didn't both agree or it's gone wrong and you now want to blame each other. It's all a bit vague.

Do consider making him now your ex partner. Regardless of why he is the ways he is it’s not your fault and you did not make him that way. Your friends are like wtf re him and he really is a walking red flag.

No, in all the instances I was thinking of he is sure it was me who initiated, but I know it was him.

Let me give another example of the hot and cold. He said that I was the most beautiful woman he could ever have found. I didn't say anything back because objectively it is not true, and I was therefore uncomfortable with the statement. A few minutes later he said "obviously there will be far more attractive women than you out there".

This kind of flip flopping happens regularly.

How long have you been together OP? If this is a relatively new relationship l think l'd be considering ending it as it sounds confusing and destabilising. If you've been together a while and this is a new trait l think it's worth discussing it with him to try to see what's at the root of it. Have you actually pointed these discrepancies out to him or have you just been listening and observing?

Quite apart from the gaslighting, he sounds like a dick. Do yourself a favour and throw this one back in the sewer.

I was getting irritated just reading what he had said in your last post. He actually sounds unstable to me and I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me

It's not normal behaviour, is it? I do find it very hurtful and confusing.

Memory is fallible and experience is subjective. It’s normal for people to remember events or conversations differently to you. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re lying.

That said, if you’re not happy in your relationship, just leave. You don’t need a reason. It doesn’t matter whether he is intentionally lying or genuinely thinks he is right. If you don’t enjoy being with him, you can just leave. Problem solved.

Yes, this is gaslighting in its pure form. And it doesn't matter that it's a small thing, this is unacceptable in a relationship.
I can give advice: document these situations, so that in the end you see the overall picture and not lose touch with reality.
Perhaps he just doesn't want to take responsibility and shifts it onto you.
Talk to him openly that you don't like this, in healthy relationships partners hear each other. If he avoids the conversation, then draw conclusions.

Stop questioning your natural emotional responses to this red flag behaviour.

He said that I was the most beautiful woman he could ever have found.

Regardless of his flip-flopping and gaslighting, this is such an emotionally immature thing to say. It doesn't really make sense in any objective way.

It's worth seeking out an emotionally mature partner who matches your own intelligence. After years of trial and error (and ghastly first marriage), I speak from experience!

The sort of compliment I value from DH#2, for example, is not some grand proclamation but just things like "You're the only person I've ever met who I feel as comfortable with as I do when I'm alone." That actually means something I can relate to.

If it was just once or twice I could go with that. But it's developing into a definite pattern. He is a clever man. Razor sharp. He remembers other things extremely well, from countless decades ago.

It made zero sense. Particularly if you saw a picture of me 🤣 Hence why I was extremely uncomfortable with it and did not verbally acknowledge it. The removal of it felt like adding insult to injury. Not very emotionally intelligent. I think he is beautiful as it happens, but I have never said he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen, and I have never withdrawn a compliment a few moments later.

Any other thoughts gratefully received ☺️

The way he is behaving makes you uncomfortable. No need for double thinking. That's enough information. This relationship is not for you.

He does sounds inconsistent and a headfuck, which is enough. Different to gaslighting, currently overused term, it’s a form of coercive control- deliberately lying and manipulating with the intention of making someone question their sanity and reality and therefore gain more control over them.

Well then he's definitely gas lighting you and trying to make you insecure and unsure of yourself. Throw him back