Is this a mild form of gaslighting?

[AmILosingThePlot]

If a partner repeatedly changes the narrative within a relationship by saying that you initiated something when it was in fact him, is that a form of gaslighting?

This has happened 5 times now. Over small things, but it is bothering me.

Your gut is screaming at you. You are seeing patterns for a reason. Because they’re there. Your mind/ heart is desperately trying to figure out what yr gut is already telling you. Please don’t ignore it. It will cost you further down the line.

Conveniently not remembering is also a typical part of the picture of abuse. ExDP did that - notably many years ago when he started yelling his head off at me in a totally unprovoked personal attack. When I discussed it with him the next day, he told me he was right and I was wrong. When I discussed it with him 2 months later, he claimed it didn’t happen.

You are being way too vague for my advice to be that helpful

but generally gaslighting us the deliberate twisting of facts to destabilise your mind and confidence

me saying “our wedding was spoilt by your mums dancing” and him saying “ no it wasn't! she barely got in the dance floor ) Could just be a difference of opinion , a different memory not intended to mind fuck you , if he is lying to you to himself and dodging harsh facts as he can’t or wont deal with it its shit but not gaslighting

counselling?

What bad things is he initiating ?

is he harming you ?

Doesnt matter if he has avoidance issues, thats his problem not yours. Run!!! Gaslighting will just get worse!!!!

Ahhhh just read a few updates

Dump and run …. No more navel gazing he is a horrible twat

Thanks everyone

I have never, ever, in 11 years, discussed my 'beauty level' with my partner. What a strange thing for him to say. And I've never heard him comment on any other women, either. I'd have left a long time ago, if so. How old is he, out of interest?

I just watched the Manosphere documentary with Louis Theroux on Netflix, and it sounds a little like how they talk. Women are only of value for their beauty... and that one can be replaced by another in moments.

Gaslighting or not (I think it is), you're well rid of him. Please know you're worth more than this and deserve to be treated as such. Carefully make plans to leave, surely being on your own would be better than this!!

I think the fact you feel he's a mindfuck, tells you what you need to know about this relationship.

It ain't healthy for sure.

It sounds exhausting!

It is exhausting. I am exhausted by it.

You've got to end it. This isn't right, OP.

It is very destabilising being in a relationship with someone like that. My exH was like it and it’s really strange. I actually think there was something weird with his brain wiring. He wasn’t like it to begin with so could control it but his natural default was flip flopping on many things. There were major things he lied about, but minor examples of changeability were things like:
• He’d really mock a mutual friend who periodically posted pictures of the food served during meals out. He’d say it was absurd to show food going in, and may as well show it going out.. Now he posts pictures of his food.
• He regularly said he didn’t like tattoos then later paid for OW to have one.
• Said he couldn’t bear women who hogged the bathroom, spent ages putting on make up and shopped all the time.Then spent a lot of his time shopping with his (now ex) OW who wears heavy make up.
• Said his favourite meal of all time was X then a year later said he didn’t like it and never said that.
• After leaving said he wanted a cat to replace our family pets, and then got rid of it a few months later.

It’s hard to explain, but he was consistent in his inconsistency. It was like he meant things when he said them, but then days later no longer meant it. A real chameleon.

I think it’s something to do with stunted development of self identity in childhood, teens and 20s I think. He had, and has, an insecure sense of self.

Thank you for that. That makes a lot of sense to me, and is some of what I am seeing for sure. I am finding it extremely destabilising. I have never experienced this with a partner before

Did you ever tell him the effect his behaviour had on you? If you did, how did that go?

The trouble with trying to fix this sort of thing is that it's asking someone to rewire their personality.

At the least, this kind of friction means you're incompatible. The less charitable view is that he is an arsehole, but in a way that doesn't matter: if you are experiencing confusion around him, he's not a good match.

Trying to make things work by hoping to change his behaviour is unlikely to yield good long-term results - it's more likely you will just adapt and stop noticing, which is ultimately a recipe for disaster.

Thing is, his intentions don't matter, the impact on you is the same.

A relationship shouldn't destabilise you, confuse, mindfuck, stress or exhaust you. Yes, sometimes relationships need working on, but day to day it should actually be easy.

The flow of cortisol is bad for your physical health and the cognitive dissonance & mental gymnastics are bad for your mental health.

With the small things I managed to just insist that was not what his views had been before. I did explain the effect on me, but he would just either say a shallow ‘sorry’ and that he’d try harder, or he would say I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

I soldiered on as the smaller things didn’t affect me too much, because they were overtaken by other more significant things involving a past girlfriend of his. We had couples and individual therapy over everything.
I later found out he had lied during couples therapy ( over meeting up with ex girlfriend). In individual therapy he was encouraged to look at himself and he ended therapy after a few weeks saying “ Yes I’m a liar but I’m ok with that as it’s not all I am “. I just think both then and now, objective factual truth just isn’t important to him.

The whole thing is a long story but I kept on loyally trying for far too long to help him be honest and normal, eventually he left me …after lying about both ex girlfriend and new OW, and also to conceal a huge windfall that was expected at his work. He then later left OW too.

Yours doesn’t sound as bad, but I do know what it’s like. You feel like your partner/ best friend creates instability. Your reality wobbles in and out. But it’s hard as there’s a weird episode and then weeks of normal consistency.

I don’t think he can change his character but I guess the smaller things don’t necessarily mean there are larger things too in all cases.

Yes, it's really hard. I feel like he gives with one hand and then takes away with the other.

Then went are you with him?

His communication style just doesn’t match with yours. His flip flopping to me sounds like he wants to discuss the nuance.Gaslighting? Not sure as you’ve not described examples.
But it doesn’t matter, because it annoys you.
End the relationship and move on.

Which is not normal, healthy or OK.

Make him an ex. He will only get worse.