Partner doesn’t want children

[fantasticsmore]

I am with a man I love and see my future with- marriage, buying a house etc. He’s an amazing man.

He has 4 children already and I have 2 (none together). We recently spoke about children and he said it’s highly likely he won’t want another. He said it isn’t a hard no but right now he feels that there are more cons than pros to another baby therefore he probably won’t want one in the future.

I Always wanted 3 children, and am now not sure what to do. I’m going to assume he won’t want children, so do I leave the man I see myself spending my life with to potentially have a baby with someone else? Or do I chose him as I am lucky enough to have 2 healthy amazing children already?

In what world does anyone who has 6 kids between them and is already a parent think that another child is a good idea and is then suprised their partner isn’t keen. Think about it sensibly, it’s a terrible idea

“I Always wanted 3 children”

But life happens. Did you always want everything that has happened in your life?

It would be best to let go of this particular script so that you don’t have to run your life according to a fixed idea that you’ve had for years. Adapt and open your mind and heart to the life you have now.

Thank goodness you didn’t “always want” 6 children

It’s astonishing how we’ve normalised this and children just have to cope with it. No adult would want to live their life like this.

It isn't about giving any child an unsettled environment, it is how the child perceives it. ACE'S or adverse childhood experiences, are well proven to potentially have issues for a child. It's a consideration. Huge amounts of research and case studies online about ACE'S and something support workers are now aware of, including affects of divorce, family instability, DV...

I stopped at the "i always wanted 3 children"

You have 6 now. He is a part of you, so they are too. My DP is a dad to children who aren't his, id be mortified if he dismissed them as you are dismissing his children (unless he doesnt see the 4 children much in which case why would you want a child with such a man)

Count your blessings!

You've got 6 children to support through education, helping with deposit for house, plus other emotional and practical support. Sounds like a lot for anyone.

Yeah these facts are all great but totally miss out the one about how staying in an abusive or toxic relationship also damages children and is also an ACE.

I have been teaching for 23 years - i see more danaged children whose parents are staying together for the children and the environment is just awful, children pick.up on things parents dont even realise and they use their parents to learn about healthy relationships.

My children have been thru a divorce with me, but they consistently see their dad, he has never let them down, they've never seen us argue, we have the same rules bevayse oddly when we decided to have children we discussed these things first (!) and they have two very happy loving homes. My girls see me being loved and treated like a queen and me treating my DP like a king, he adores them, they adore him. Just an extra person to love them.

Far better than living in an unhealthy toxic environment with the trope of "we are together for the sake of the children"

As everyone says, you already have 6 children, OP. Both practically and emotionally, how on earth would you cope with any more? Just enjoy the lovely, large family that you have.

Just because back in the day before life happened, you imagined yourself having three biological children, doesn't mean you have to hang onto that as "always wanted three children". Sometimes we have to adapt and move our thinking on, based upon the situation in which we find ourselves. Originally you thought you might have three, as it turns out you have six between you. Let the head rule the heart on this one.

Are these 4 kids to the same mother or different? How often does he see them? 6 children between you is loads! How old are all the kids?

Do you feel it’s not a proper relationship unless you have a child together? And your thread title is misleading.

To me it just seems like lunacy to have a child with this man . Who would it benefit ? It certainly wouldn’t be benefitting any of the other children in this scenario. I’m sorry but I am completely in agreement with him. I can’t understand why anyone would push to have a child in circumstances like this .

You have 2 children!
i think you'd be mad to throw a good relationship away over this.

So it’s ok to have a presumption that all children from single parent families are traumatised yet a presumption that children from two parent families are just fine?

Its offensive because there’s so much more to it that you cannot assume anything about a child’s upbringing from the number of parents they had growing up.

You need to put your children’s needs and well-being over your own wants.
6 children is MORE than enough. Focus on them!!

I’m going to assume he won’t want children

He's got loads of em. Have a day off, you've got six kids between you and because you've got the idea that you always wanted to give birth to three humans, you're prepared to leave this 'amazing relationship' and see if you can find another man out there to do the hat trick with?

I'd say that this relationship isn't as brilliant as you think it is, if that's even on the table as an option for you.

Agree with pp, that’s too many children. You’ve tried the traditional family and it didn’t work out for either of you for whatever reason so perhaps concentrate on bringing up the dc you’ve already made and enjoy your next relationship for what it is.

Point to where I said traumatised?

Children who have been through a family break up have had quite an unsettled time - that's a fact, which is why they're classed as an ACE. That might have been in the lead up to it where they witnessed a lot of arguing or worse, or they may have had to move home or school after it, they may have lost touch with members of their family or their friends etc etc. Even if it was an amicable divorce it would still have been unsettling. Add new partners and other children and relatives into their lives, and that's a lot to get used to at a young age.

I clicked this thread thinking being childfree is a completely valid lifestyle, and one I relish.
However your boyfriend has loads of kids already, very sensible of him to not create even more, combined you are triply outnumbered by kids!

Traumatised was inferred.

I think it’s presumptuous to assume that children of single parent families will have witnessed arguing, moved home or school and lost touch with family and friends! It’s a stretch considering that plenty of single parents never had a mum/dad involved at all, had a dad leave very early on, are perfectly amicable and not abusing each other and wouldn’t have needed to move their children out of their homes or schools even if one parent did leave…

Also naive to use that as if it’s something not also just as likely in two parent families where arguing, moving home and school also happen regularly!

It was nothing of the sort. If you choose to infer that, that's completely on you. I said unsettled, and that's what I meant.

Now, of course these things happen in other families where there hasn't been a divorce, but it's far more likely to have happened in families (such as the OPs and her partners) where there has been - hence the ACE. Given this unsettlement for 6 children (plus the other factors mentioned), adding another one is probably not the cleverest thing - as her DP recognises.

6 between you is more than enough. Be grateful for what you've got - i.e. 2 children, 4 step children, and what sounds a loving and loyal partner.

you are v v lucky to have what you already have.
The grass is not always greener.

I always wanted to be a size 10. It ain’t going to happen!
I think you have to be sensible here, you have plenty of kids between you and two of your own. Why isn’t that enough?!

Sounds like he has thought about it and thinks you have more than enough already, if you think differently it won’t be the right relationship for you.