Pregnant in the early days of a relationship

[saffronsky]

I’ve found out I’m pregnant in the last few days, completely unexpectedly. I’ve only been with my partner a few months so it’s very early days in terms of the relationship. I was taking the pill which I’ve not missed a day of and I’ve taken correctly so I’m not entirely sure how this has happened but he wasn’t using any protection. To be honest I feel a bit silly for not insisting that he did now but when I was diagnosed with PCOS back in my 20’s the consultant told me I’d be very unlikely to conceive naturally and that if I wanted children in the future I’d need to consider fertility treatment.

I just feel in a perpetual state of panic, I’m so overwhelmed at the thought of telling him and being pregnant in general, I’m not scared of him or anything and he’s a lovely person- I am in love with him but I guess I’m scared of his reaction. I know he wants a family- we discussed this on one of our first dates but equally not a few months in. I just feel at this point there’s so much on the line and I don’t want to lose everything.

In an ideal world I’d like to continue with the pregnancy and our relationship but I know he’s likely to have differing views and that’s before even thinking about the strain it would put on a new relationship. Up until now this was the best relationship I’ve ever had and now I feel like I’ve set us both up to fail even though realistically I know it’s not my fault as such I still feel really guilty.

I’d be really grateful for any words of wisdoms or advice anyone could offer because I’m so overwhelmed I can’t see the wood from the trees at this point.

It's absolutely not your fault as he was choosing to not wear a condom. I would take the relationship out of the equation and ask yourself if you want to have a baby and feel like you're in a position to do that right now. Would you feel able to raise the child without him if needed?

If your heart is wanting to have the baby and you have an abortion to try to save the relationship, there's always a chance you would feel resentful and the relationship would break down anyway. It sounds like such a difficult situation to be in

This exact same thing happened to me OP.

Early months of a very good relationship and we had told each other I love you. Had a few talks about the future but nothing too serious as we were still only a few months in. I was taking the pill, not missed one and became pregnant.

I had ALL the same thoughts you are having now. My brain was racing with them and all I could think was he would think that I had purposefully trapped him. He was such a lovely man but I had no idea how he would react to the news and how he would take it. Would this set us up to fail now or could this work?

In the end I knew I had to pluck up the courage to sit him down and tell him. He reacted very well and saw it completely as 'our problem' and something that had happened to us and something we needed to work through together.

That night we talked well into the night about 'could we do this?' 'should we do this?' and we both decided we wanted to continue our relationship and give this a go.

Our families were a little surprised by the news but ultimately behind us all the way and supported us which we were very grateful of.

Unfortunately at the 12 week scan the baby had no heartbeat and the pregnancy ended which we were both actually heartbroken about. But it made us stronger as a couple than we had ever been and we supported one another through our loss.

We got married the following year, had a child together (I already had one from my first DH) and he adopted my first child. We became a little family and we have now been very happily married for 20 years.

So, I understand totally the mixed feelings you have right now, but I would encourage you to be open and honest with him about what has happened. You will see by his reaction what his real thoughts are and will get a glimpse into the real him.

You also need to think if YOU want this baby and if he decides not to be part of it, can you do it alone and do you want to do it alone. I also had to decide that too.

Sometimes life throws us curve balls. This could be the making of you and actually be the best thing that happens to you. If the relationship now fails because of it then it was never meant to be.

Good Luck xx

How old are you, @saffronsky ?

All you can do is be honest with your partner, be prepared he may not take the news well, but give him time to think about it, it’s going to be a shock to you both. You haven’t said if you want the pregnancy to go ahead.

How would you feel if you have a miscarriage? Write out a list of pros/cons about keeping the baby?

This happened to my friend. He is 15yrs older and she thought it would be a brief fling due to the age gap. They are happily married with 3 further kids now!

Please remember and consider that a baby is not just a baby. It's a whole person who will have a life that they have had no choice about. Infancy, childhood, adolescence, adulthood. What will that life look like? Will they be born into good circumstances with supportive parents who are willing to dedicate their lives (or at least 20 years of it) to raising that baby into a fully-fledged person?

Parenthood, particularly motherhood, is a MASSIVE undertaking.

Food for thought.

Could you coparent with him if the relationship doesn’t work out?

How old are you? Could you cope as a single parent?

DP managed to become pregnant two months into our relationship, despite both the pill and condoms. Contraception isn't foolproof, these things happen.

In our case, we didn't know we were having a baby until DP went into labour, so a lot of the possible options were taken out of our hands, but we did have a long conversation a couple of weeks after DD was born about what our relationship was going to look like going forwards. We decided to carry on as we were, looking towards DP and DD moving in with me in the near future. In the end they did 3 months later.

If we'd found out we were having DD earlier on, I don't think that conversation would have changed all that much. We'd probably have slowed down the moving in timeline a bit, but the essentials would have been the same - I love you, you like me (DP was a bit of a commitment-phobe at that point, the L word was a step too far until a few months after DD was born), so lets carry on the relationship on those terms, don't rush into making things too serious but work to coparent successfully and let the relationship move forward as naturally as it can given the circumstances.

In our case it worked. 18 years on and DD is heading off to uni soon, so DP and I have the novel experience ahead of us of it being just the two of us for the first time! We never got married, (still a step too far for DP), but other than that three's not really any sign of how out of order we did the early days of our relationship.

My advice, have the conversation now. It needs to happen sooner or later, and the sooner you have it then the more chance you have to prepare for life with a baby, whether or not it includes your boyfriend

@ErlingHaalandsManBun
Your post is so lovely, glad it worked out for you.

Its incredibly difficult but you can only make your decision after telling your dp.
Good luck

good luck hope all goes well x

I got pregnant 4 weeks into my relationship, I was 19 he was 22. It was a massive shock as we were so young and didn’t really know each other but we grew together as a couple. We celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary in May our baby is 30 in July and we had another 5 children.
You may have only been together a short time but if you feel he is the one go for it as long as you want the baby. 💖

This happened to me. We were only together three months! I knew I'd have great family support, which made my decision, which I made alone, easier.
I told my then boyfriend and after his initial shock, he was delighted. I would not have gone ahead without us being together, but I was also aware that he could walk away, like any partner, at any time. I knew if that happened I would be ok.
By the time DC was born we were married and had a house (it took a lot of doing up and was hard work).
I Had Hg and pre-eclampsia and spent long periods in hospital, so it wasn't exactly easy. My DH was by my side every step.
I must say his DPs weren't happy. They said some awful things. Over time I realised they would always have been like that. I married the golden child.
Looking back it was madness, but DC is an amazing son and DH and I celebrated our pearl (30 years) wedding anniversary last year. We went on to have two more DC (much later, they're 9 and 11 years younger). We wanted to make sure we could comfortably afford to do so.
It may have been unplanned and very quick, but I had known DH for years before we became a couple , there were no red flags and I knew I'd be ok if he later walked away. Many of our friends who were a bit sneery, especially when we married before DC was born, are no longer with their DH that they spent much longer with before marrying and having children.
I have no regrets.
DH celebrated his Birthday one year single living at home, by his next Birthday (DS was born a few days before his birthday) he was married, had a DC and a mortgage.

I fell pregnant 14 months into my relationship with now H. It was way too soon in hindsight, we had only moved in together a few months before and I was already struggling with his lack of support when I needed it. By the time I was pregnant it was too late. We're still together, and had more DC but I regret the timing (never my DC). We went from dating to night after night in with a screaming baby... it wasn't a smooth transition and I still feel we missed out on a lot of the foundation building that couples do.

This happened to a friend of mine, except that the father turned out to be already married to someone else. She was very late in finding out she was pregnant because she so rarely had periods and had been told she was unlikely to ever have a baby (this was before fertility methods were available). She intended to give the baby up for adoption but when we talked about it I pointed out to her that this might be the only baby she ever had and she changed her mind and raised her as a single mother. Baby is now about to be fifty and has a child of her own.

He might surprise you. I was in a very similar position a few years ago. Except that, for whatever reason, I did not feel panicked. I told him right away, he was mostly concerned with how I am feeling and told me he will support whatever decision I though was best for me.
I think if you are worried about discussing things like that with your boyfriend, it is a much larger "problem" in your relationship.

I think it’s important that you consider the fact that you have been told you might have difficulties conceiving. Even though unexpected, this might be your only pregnancy. What are your circumstances eg age, finances and living situation?

Thank you for all the replies, it’s really nice to hear stories of when things have worked out in these kinds of situations.

To answer a few questions, I’m 32, own my own home, good job which actually gives me school holidays off so financially and logistically I’d be okay going it alone and I know my parents/siblings would be supportive. My partner is the same age and also financially stable/own home etc… I think we could coparent well together if needed but then again how well can I really know someone after a couple of months.

I don’t think I’d be able to go through with a termination. I’ve always wanted children, part of me thinks I should be happy and excited despite the circumstances considering I’d always thought I’d struggle to ever get here but all I feel is sheer panic and then I feel like a terrible person for feeling like that.

Hi OP. Its a tricky one. My friend had a baby in a very new relationship which seemed great but he turned out to be a bit of a nightmare co parent.

I think it's a risk to have a child with someone who you don't actually know very well. You will be navigating parenthood together for ever.

Just tell him asap and then that worry is lifted from you at least. Obviously no one can predict how he will feel or if you will stay together but it sounds like you want this baby regardless and are in a good position to raise the child.

Anecdotally the same thing happened to me and we had the baby and are still together 20+ years later!

Just a little update! I told my partner today and he was over the moon, I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better reaction- all that worrying over nothing 😂

thank you again for all the help and advice x

Oh that's wonderful - I wish you all the best 💐 thank you for sending the update

That’s magnificent news - so delighted for you. Huge congratulations. You have already explored if you could feasibly do it alone - much more than most of us did - but be optimistic and there is no reason why this won’t be wonderful for you all. Best of luck to you and I am so delighted he has been so amazing to you so far. Is this the first grandchild in the family?

Ime both time I fell
pregnant I felt like omg what gave I done? It’s def harder in a new relationship and there are no guarantees. If you continue with your pregnancy protect you and your baby’s interests, baby gets your name etc and if your relationship works out this can all be changed. Having a baby with a bad man can be horrific but there’s no suggestion you’re at that point. And babies are wonderful. It could all work out great but protect your own interests whatever you decide