Husband never says anything nice and puts me down jokingly

[Amandamab1976]

Hello, my first post here, ive decided to post this as I am struggling very hard to speak to my husband about this and it is eating me up and has done for a few years but more so over the last 6 months.
Just a run down, I am 47 he is 50 we have been together 17 years, married for 10. We dont have children together but I have a 28 year old and she lives away from home.
So our 'relationship' is great. We spend every single spare minute today and we love each other's company, we laugh and we joke and truly love being with each other.
The issue I have is he has absolutely no, and I mean NO intimate emotion.
In the early days he did, but for about 10 years, nothing.
Let me give you examples. He NEVER EVER EVER EVER says anything nice to me, EVER. I know people will think im sure he says little things but I dont take notice, he doesn't.
I dress up, he doesn't say I look nice. If I do something nice, work that extra hard, treat him to something etc etc I get nothing!
I make him a lovely meal and all i would get is 'yeah it was alright' even after sex he would say 'yeah it'll do' now dont get me wrong, its cheeky banter but thats what he says.
What im struggling with is he finds it incredibly easy to put me down in a jokey manner, he calls me loads of awful joke names but thats what we both do, the thing is those names are starting to be the only ones that stick with me.
We have had awful arguments, hes called me allsorts, slut, prostitute, fat bitch and hes never made me feel better after these arguments. (These are very rare, every 18 months or so) but still very raw.
Many times ive tried to tell him how it makes me feel saying nothing nice to me but he shoots me down and tells me he won't change. Ive told him it will change me but he doesn't seem to care.
1 year ago in January I had this talk with him I asked him just to say 1 nice thing to me, that was over 1 year ago and he still haven't said 1 tiny nice thing. Due to this I have stopped saying anything nice to him, I think hes lush and used to tell him all the time, I dont say anything now and I fucking hate it!
Ok so, sex, I dont feel wanted, I dont know what he even likes about me, he comments on my 'fat arse' during sex, does that mean he likes it or doesn't, no idea what he likes, he doesn't and has never told me. Unfortunately now things have changed for me, I used to have a huge sex drive and this has broken it down, I have sex and I have no idea what he is thinking about. I just roll over and go to sleep now not feeling anything really. This is going to get worse and I dont want it to.
Absolutely no excuse but he was brought up in a very unemotional family and they still are. The thing is he used to say nice things to me and made me feel great
He is a great guy, I know by the way he looks at me he loves me a lot and I know he fancies me but thats in my head, it doesn't come from him.
I do EVERYTHING for him, I run the house, his business, I'm kind to him and he doesn't have to worry about anything in life as I take the load.
How do I handle this? I feel like if I talk to him he will do what he normally does 'awww here we go again' its breaking my bond with him and I dont want that at all.
I dont mind saying we are 2 good looking people we should totally be enjoying each other in our prime. I'm not willing to accept him.not saying anything g nice to me anyone

It takes two people to make a good relationship and if one doesn't bother or care about the other person it will never be a good relationship. One person cannot fix it either.

He has told you he won't change so you either need to accept being belittled and treated with contempt or find a way to change your circumstances, ie leave. Yes, you are being abused and I highly recommend you reach out to Women's Aid or your local DA charity, your council should have their number on the website.

I repeat, you are in an abusive relationship.

So you've become the whipping boy in his theatre of life. He doesn't view you as a person in your own right. You're the household appliance that does everything. You don't have feelings worth his consideration.

Do consider finding a counsellor or therapist who can help you to unpick why you've put up with this for so long and whether you want to stay in such a marriage.

Talking to him about it is a non-starter. Talk to someone who can help you navigate a life change towards a better future.

OP, he sounds absolutely awful. You have quite rightly confronted him about his behaviour and he has told you in no uncertain terms that he won't change. The names he calls you during arguments are absolutely disgusting and unforgivable. You know that this relationship is changing you and damaging you

So honestly, what are you waiting for? He won't change - he has told you so, and deep down you must know this. None of his behaviour is normal or excusable and you do not have to put up with it. This is no way to live

Where on earth are you getting that he's a great guy and you have a great relationship from?

He's a fucking prick.

Get some therapy and get rid of him.

So he knows how to compliment you he is just choosing not to. The man hates you.

OP, imagine your daughter comes home tomorrow and tells you she's met a new guy, and he's a really good guy who loves her, and you say great, tell me about him!
And she says to you:

• he never says anything nice to her
• he takes the piss out of her with cruel jokes and nicknames as 'banter'
• she asked him to say one nice thing about her and he couldnt
• she's doing all the housework
• she's helping run his business
• he calls her vile, horrible names when they argue
• she has raised this with him and not only does is he not upset he's hurt her, he doesnt want to work on it, and he acts like its annoying she brings it up

Would you think her new boyfriend was a good guy? Would you be like oh great darling he sounds lovely, a few quirks but then we all do. Or would you say please let me help you leave this awful man immediately???

What Thundertoast said . What on earth are you getting out of this relationship?

It’s not cheeky banter, these are horrible insults, cannot he believes that language towards you, it’s really bad.

Hi OP I have read everything and I’m sorry the main things I can summarise from your post, is that he isn’t a ‘great guy’ and your ‘ relationship’ is not great, as you put it.
Yes you have been together a long time, so there is obviously a lot of love and feelings there, especially from your side.
I get it that over time efforts can change in a relationship. But he did manage it at some points, so he could still. So something changed.
He finds it incredibly easy to put you down. Because he has continued to get away with it. And don’t be too quick to minimise it with saying in a jokey manner, to me it is abusive. That is not be being too sensitive because I have been through abuse, that’s because I won’t minimise things like I used to.

Then he has made a way of you feeling you can not approach him to bring up what is a very important issue for you.

It’s hard after so long, but I would be saying it can not go on or will have to come to an end.
But then he has already told you he will not change!
So therefore it’s stay and suffer it I’m afraid, or leave.

What have I just read?? OP he's not a great guy and you are in an abusive relationship. To be clear - you should not stay with a man who calls you a slut, prostitute, fat bitch - these things are NEVER EVER acceptable and you should leave for this reason alone.

Don't beg him to say nice things to you - he knows what he's doing by treating you the way he does, and he doesn't care that it upsets you. Think about that - he's the person who's supposed to love and care for you, and instead he's cruel and nasty and calls you horrible names. It's not a joke. It's him showing that he doesn't care about you.

Please make a plan and leave. You deserve so much better than this.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up ?. Did your dad treat your mum like this ?.

You have become inured to his abuses of you over time and now he really has you where he wants you ie doing everything for him at your overall expense. This us about power and control and he wants absolute over you. This is who he really is and he will not change. Talking to him about this is a complete waste of time. Abusive men are not nasty all the time but that is really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

Contacting Women’s Aid here and a solicitor re seeking legal advice would be a good start.

What does your daughter think of this man?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

It really annoys me when people say ‘it’s just banter’ - a joke is supposed to funny, this isn’t - I would tell him to fuck off next time he called me a name like that, and mean it. He sounds horrible, stop making excuses for him. He is choosing to treat you like this

Divorce. He sounds fucking awful.

He doesn’t like you. Do you think he ever did?

WTF have I just read?? This usher ‘cheeky banter’ you’re in an abusive relationship with a negging cunt.

How the fuck have you tolerated being a domestic appliance with added shags for so many years? And your DD has grown up seeing this as her example for relationships

50 year old male, unfortunately there are a lot just like this man.
One of my friends jilted hers for a 23 year old. Not saying do that one! But her 23 year old is attentive, loving & notices who he has. Her 50 year old ex now has a flat by himself.

It's abuse. The little negative digs, to plant a seed in your head that he can do better, him not making any effort.
Read up on coercive control, oh yes he was ever the charmer on day 1 they always are, but it's not day 1 anymore. So either put up with being abused or look at getting out. As somebody else said contact women's aid.
Also, you spend every minute together? So you don't get 1 minute alone to do other things, see other people, isolation?, then an odd dig to put you down.

It's abuse. Consider leaving.

FFS OP first time my so called ‘great guy’ of a partner called me a slut or a prostitute i’d be off!!! He is gross!!! Get some self respect please! Also u say you do everything for him? Why???? In the list of things u do for him, it says you run his business??? Again why????? You don’t need this man

This is so sad to read op. My blood is boiling on your behalf

A great guy does not undermine you or treat you like you don't matter.

A great guy does not chip away at your feelings with each word like a hammer and chisel, breaking down your self esteem.

He makes it look like he is joking, but he sounds like he is a mean and selfish person, and it seems like you are getting an emotional assault from him on a regular basis which is very bad for your mental health over time and an almighty red flag in any relationship. This is because you may start to doubt yourself and not seek help, it is a form of coercive control.

His upbringing was like this, from what you said in your post so he is repeating what he may have witnessed in his home as a child. Some people can break those patterns of behaviour and others can not.

You have already tried to communicate with him and you have some choices to make regarding this relationship, stay or leave.

I feel so awful for you and very happy again to be single. Please take the advice on here. He is NOT a great guy.

I had one of these.

He was rude about my flat and how it was decorated.
Meanwhile, he was still living with his parents at 35yr old. I didn't comment on that.

He made fun of the clothes I wore at home. He seemed to think I should be all dolled up for a night in.
Meanwhile, he rotated the same two tops every Fri and Sat night. I didn't comment on that.

Every single time I opened the front door to him he'd look me up and down. He even twisted his head a bit to get a side view. Never once said I looked nice.
Meanwhile, his completely flat arse even made his designer jeans look like shit. I didn't comment on that.

There was a particular clothing trend. He laughed at my version of the outfit saying I didn't even suit it so why was I dressing like that.
Meanwhile, his shoes had somehow moulded themselves to the shape of his big toe. I didn't comment on that either.

All of the above are disrespectful. Not every thought needs to be verbalised.

He didn't last long.......

When people do this they don’t tend to be joking. He's abusive.

This reads like someone who doesn’t like you, and not a great relationship.

Why are you doing everything for him?

He's not a great guy, because he makes you feel like crap ... and he doesn't care enough about how you feel to stop.

I always think "banter" is the thin edge of the wedge, and basically allows a bully opportunity to up the ante, be vile and then go "ha ha ha, only joking, why are you so sensitive, get a grip etc".

I'd want to reset the way you both communicate with each other completely to stop that whole dynamic, if you're staying with him. No more "bantz" and name-calling, you're not teenagers.

Good on you for getting rid of that! And one thing sprang to mind reading all of what you said, he also reminded me of a few other men who are insecure/jealous of others, and are/look/feel a mess. They focus on the other person it gives them a distraction against all their flaws.