Two years of silence in marriage: stay for finances or leave?

[Vachani]

I’m at a point where I need to decide whether I can continue living with my husband. For the past two years, there has been complete silence between us -no physical or emotional connection at all.

I admit that I’m scared of the unknown. I’ve stayed because I’m afraid of being lonely at 46, and I worry about finances. I work part‑time, but I’ve managed to save £40K.

Even so, I feel choked and caged. Yes, I’m not paying rent, so financially it “works,” but emotionally this situation hurts me every single day.

I need someone to help me see the possible ways forward. I know the decision has to be mine, but I’m hoping someone can help me see the bigger picture.

Right now, I feel lost and overwhelmed ..pressured by society, my kids, and my parents ..to the point where I feel unable to make a decision.

Leave or fix it dont stay how it is

You can't mean literally silent between you for two years?

Do the DC live at home?

How old are the children? What would you tell them to do in this situation?

I would say you either need some serious relationship support or to walk away.

Why can’t you speak to him?

You say you're worried about feeling lonely if you leave, but surely you must feel lonely now?

You’ve not spoken a word to each other for two years? Jeez

This! it sounds more lonely and depressing than actually being alone

You say divorcing will leave you lonely, but aren't you already lonely anyway? And it's not like you don't have a second chance to rectify the situation. You have half your life left to steer in any direction you desire.

Sounds like you don't consider marriage counseling as a way to salvage what's been lost. If that's the case, don't let what your kids and parents might say affect your decision. You shouldn't have any say-so in your parents marriage if they decided they'd be happier without each other. You don't get to pick your kids future spouses nor should you have a say-so if their unions ended. So embrace the mindset that your family should keep their noses out of your business and how you run your life.

I divorced when close to your age and eventually went back into the dating world, as I do enjoy life better with a companion. I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but finally found success and entered into a second marriage. It's felt good to begin a new chapter in life.

You're never too old to have new beginnings, whether it be romance, or a career, or a new hobby you can be passionate about.

Why not look into full time work, or taking on a 2nd part time job, to be more financially secure in your new life? If you need continuing education for a better career, perhaps delve into that and achieve a certificate or degree or whatever training you need. If delaying divorce while doing this would be easier on you, work on getting started with that. At least you'd feel good about being proactive to set yourself up for financial stability, and perhaps you can start mentally separating from your husband, getting used to the idea of a new future without him. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Gosh, how can anyone live like that?

Every day you stay, you are being diminished in soul and spirit. This is so crushingly unhealthy that you won't have any sort of clarity on how bad it is, until you are well out of it.

You say you have 40k saved, which is a significant amount to start again with. Can you work FT?

How old are your dc OP? This will be so damaging for them to live with too.

2 years is an insane amount of time to not be speaking to the person you share a home with. I doubt very much there can be any steps taken to fix this so you must get out of this noxious living arrangement by finding the strength and bravery to do so.

That doesn't sound like a nice way to live... it must be so oppressive.

It sounds like you need some help, someone to talk to in real life to help you find a way forward. and then its ducks in a row time. You have a job and some savings, so that's not a bad place to start.

I need someone to help me see the possible ways forward. I know the decision has to be mine, but I’m hoping someone can help me see the bigger picture.

You don't mention whether you have children together, which makes a big difference to the practicalities.

But basically, you have a few options:

One, you move out into rented accommodation, with your DC if appropriate. File for divorce immediately. Close all joint accounts and get your name taken off bills at the marital home. If your husband earns more than you, leave him to pay the mortgage and then the amount will be adjusted in the final financial settlement.
Once your savings are below £16k you can look into claiming Universal Credit, pending the sale of the marital home.

Two, you don't move out until the home is sold. This will minimise the time you spend paying rent. I imagine the atmosphere could hardly be worse, so you have nothing to lose by divorcing him and staying put until the final financial settlement, assuming he is not violent.
You will then have the status of 'separated', not a couple, temporarily living in the same house pending divorce. So you must move out of the shared bedroom, ideally into a spare room if you have one, otherwise to the sofa or a mattress in the DC room. Stop doing anything for him that a flatmate would not be doing. Do no laundry for him, no shared meals, no shopping or cooking for him, consider setting up separate cupboards in the kitchen and separate shelves in the fridge if the divorce is likely to drag on for months. Close any joint bank accounts and pay bills 50/50.
If you haven't found somewhere to buy with a mortgage in your own name by the time the marital home is sold, then you may have to rent.

Option three: you have children and want to keep the house after divorce (assuming you can afford the mortgage on your own after buying him out of his equity share). You persuade him to move out, and if he won't then it is back to option two until the judge tells him to move out.

Either way, first step is to see a divorce solicitor. Do this before you speak to DH, so that you know where you stand.
If he is the type to try and hide money or assets to cheat you out of a fair settlement, do some digging and get copies of all relevant documents before speaking to him about divorce (although after two years of silence he must be expecting it - this will not come as a surprise).

Been in a very similar place to you OP. It really does a number on your self
esteem. Make a plan, get out and live your life. Living alone is nowhere near as lonely as living the way you are.

What are either of you getting out of this marriage? Personally Id confront him one evening and ask him if he wants a divorce because clearly neither of you are happy and see what he says.

You can be more lonely in a crap relationship, than you will ever be alone.

Whats stopping you from asking him?

So complete silence, ie not one word uttered between you? Why has it got to this and how does life with kids work if you are silent?

Can you envisage life on your own as worse than this? I don't see how it can be. No amount of money is worth the life you are living now

What happened two years ago to prompt this silence? The £40k you have saved is part of the marital pot. Does he have savings?

There is no point whatsoever in you and he being together now. You are very much alone now in this marriage and this is patently no relationship example to be showing your children. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

it is only when you have freed yourself and your kids from him will you come to realise how abusive your marriage was.

If you really haven't spoken in 2 years, then how could living alone be any worse or any more lonely? Living alone will be utterly joyful, especially in comparison with what you have now!

I would also assume that your kids know far more about the state of your marriage than either if you as their parents realise. They pick up on all the vibes here between you two.

Sounds very lonely now. Can’t imagine it can feel more lonely leaving and being in charge of your own life.

What happened two years ago @Vachani ?
Is it repairable?