Two years of silence in marriage: stay for finances or leave?

[Vachani]

I’m at a point where I need to decide whether I can continue living with my husband. For the past two years, there has been complete silence between us -no physical or emotional connection at all.

I admit that I’m scared of the unknown. I’ve stayed because I’m afraid of being lonely at 46, and I worry about finances. I work part‑time, but I’ve managed to save £40K.

Even so, I feel choked and caged. Yes, I’m not paying rent, so financially it “works,” but emotionally this situation hurts me every single day.

I need someone to help me see the possible ways forward. I know the decision has to be mine, but I’m hoping someone can help me see the bigger picture.

Right now, I feel lost and overwhelmed ..pressured by society, my kids, and my parents ..to the point where I feel unable to make a decision.

I am sorry you are in this situation. Just a word of warning - if you divorce, he could try and claim half of your savings. That happened to a friend of mine even though she had been scrimping and he had been getting off to NYC with his new girlfriend. Get legal advice and good luck.

He is going to claim at least 20k of that pot.

Thanks so much, ladies, for your support. I don’t have any family here, so I’m feeling quite lonely, scared, and a bit lost.
We do have children together, and I’ve already separated all my finances from him. What I struggle with is finding the courage, as I fear the worst.
I know that living on my own would be a financial struggle, especially in these expensive times. People around me often say, “At least you’re not paying bills, so enjoy living at his expense,” and then they ask, “What about the kids if you move out?” That sends me into a spiral of guilt.
I’ve tried to approach him in the past and suggested counselling, but he thinks it’s useless. I also know he won’t consider divorce or separation, because for him, staying together works socially and within the family. But for me, it’s taking a toll..especially when I think about myself as an individual.
I didn’t have anyone to turn to, so I came here hoping to think more rationally.
I’m sorry for bringing my fears and struggles onto this forum.

Please don’t be sorry @Vachani . We feel your pain. This relationship is doomed and eventually you will separate. Take your time, plan carefully and look to the future.

Your children are suffering in this situation, they will know exactly how he treats you. You don’t want them thinking this is a normal way of treating someone. It’s abuse.

Try talking to one of the Women’s help lines, such as Women’s Aid. They can advise you.

You have nothing to apologise for. People here can give some good advice and you can ignore any unhelpful ones.
This sounds like it’s the first step to test the waters for your future and what it could look like if you separated. Keep stepping forward.

@Vachani as others have said he may get half your savings, however, he doesn’t sound as though he needs the money if he’s currently paying for everything, so he may not insist on this.

How old are your children? And how long would it take you to save enough for a deposit to buy a new home on your current salary?

Personally, I would increase my working hours if this is a possibility and save enough as quickly as I could to buy my own place and then end things with DH.

I was made to endure a house where the adults stonewalled each other, when I was a kid. It left me anxious, traumatised (along with other traumatic events), on edge, angry. Your kids won't be enjoying this hellish house.

You don't need the man's permission, the divorce can be started online, you can plan co-parenting your kids using a parenting app, plan a blissful future full of joy and freedom, therapy for your kids, and peace.

Your finances can't be separate, as you've said, as marriage means you and the man are financially entangled until divorce.

You don’t get a refund on life by playing it safe. You’ve got half a lifetime left to live and this sounds absolutely intolerable. Tell him to sort it out (consider counselling) or it’s over, and follow through on it.

You absolutely have to leave. He will have to pay child maintenance, and you will be fine. Many women do this with nothing but the clothes on their back. Your poor children are more aware than you know. Please, leave.

I agree completely. My parents barely tolerated each other for my entire childhood. It wasn't a pleasant house to grow up in.

This is so sad to read OP. You’re not happy and you could be. I’d make plans to split.

I am in exactly the same position with the same feelings and fears. He’d happily remain silent to ensure a socially stable and freer life. I know exactly how you feel right now.

The first thing to say is the obvious one - you can’t carry on as you are, it’s killing you.
You first asked about staying together for financial reasons - but I’d guess the pressure is actually more about family and kids than money. So start by trying to work out what a 50/50 split would look like, thinking about house equity, pensions, cars, savings, debts. Work out what children support would look like. If the answer is ‘I’d have less but I’d still be ok’ - then money isn’t - or shouldn’t be - an issue. If you can get to that stage it might help you think more clearly about how you deal with the family pressures that are really what are holding you back.

Get rid and start the divorce rolling. I did it. You can do it.

It's often fear of the unknown that holds us back, and we try to put a name to that unknown - like 'there wouldn't be enough money' or 'how would I manage parenting 50/50'?

But often, when you get right down to it and start separating, these things fall into place and you realise that they weren't what you were REALLY worrying about.

Could you get some counselling to help you sift through the decisions you have to make? Being able to talk to someone who isn’t involved but has your wellbeing in mind could be really helpful. They might be able to help you decide whats important and then you can identify next steps? After two years you must have an awful lot of pent up thoughts and feelings that it would be good to get out of your system,

Thank you, ladies, for all your support and perspectives.

I think I will try speaking to him again about how to approach the future...either asking him to reconsider counselling or to plan a separation, because the current situation isn’t healthy for either of us or the kids. I’m really scared about how I would manage, especially with the lack of social support I have, but I think a decision has to be made.

I think I will try speaking to him again

That is where you are going wrong.
You don't need to keep talking to him, to get him to understand and agree.
You don't need his permission.
You don't need his agreement.

If you want to divorce him, you can just go ahead, whether he wants it or not.
So make up your own mind, on your own, without talking to him.

I think a decision has to be made.
Make your own decision.

OP

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He is not your jailer nor the boss of you. You indeed do not need his agreement or permission to do anything and speaking to him will be a complete and utter waste of time. If you want to speak to him it should only now be to tell him that you have commenced divorce proceedings.

The effects of all this on your DC is incalculable but they do notice their dad's total antipathy towards you and will pick up on all the vibes. Their household is akin to a warzone and it is not their fault nor yours that your H has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

Those people in real life saying such things like, "you're not paying bills so enjoy living at his expense" are not acting in your best interests so their opinions should be ignored.

Do you really think that your man would ever go to counselling; he will NEVER go and see a counsellor. Joint counselling with such a man is never recommended as he could try and manipulate the counsellor to be on his side. Also he thinks he is doing nothing wrong with regard to you so it's a non starter anyway.

Make a decision yourself with your DC front and centre in your mind, not him.

OP,
You can also make it an ultimatum- counselling or I am leaving anyway. Especially if you are thinking of leaving. But you must be prepared to follow through