Colleague's affair

[scoopsahoooy]

A senior colleague of mine is having an affair with a member of his team at work: it's become increasingly obvious over the last couple of years, and he's now separated from his wife and living elsewhere. Everyone knows, and it's quite embarrassing for him - not that he's noticed - because all the members of his team are laughing behind their backs about it. However, he (and his wife, who I know well) have said they're working on things, trying to avoid divorce, 'dating' each other again and that it's 'going well'. However I know that he's still spending all his time - every lunchtime - at work with the affair partner, coming to work in the same car and so on. I know it's not my marriage and not my place, but if I were her and I was telling people we were working on things and he was trying, I'd want to know if he was making a mockery of me behind my back... I can't work out if I just need to keep well out of it. I probably do. Would you want to know?

This is none of your business. Do not get involved.

This.

Not your place

I would want to know, but it could get really nasty for you if you speak out, let them work out their own relationship,

When you say you know his wife well, do you know her as your colleague's wife or is she your mate?

If the former, keep quiet.

If the latter, stand by your mate. Sisters before misters. If your friend knew your fella was seeing someone else you'd expect them to tell you. I would.

Beak out, nothing to do with you and the messenger always gets shot in these situations.

So does his wife know about the affair or not?

I agree with
@MyKindHiker

If she is a personal friend of yours then yes of course you should tell her what's going on. What she does with the information is down to her though.

Fwiw your colleagues sound a pretty nasty bunch if they think this guy betraying his wife on a daily basis is something to laugh about.

Keep out of it

She's not a personal friend, it's complicated but closer to 'colleague's wife' than 'friend'. And agreed, it's not funny - his team don't think the affair itself is funny, more that he seems to think he's been subtle when it's very obvious. But even so, I agree, it's not actually funny. It makes me feel a bit ill honestly, I don't want to work with either of them. But I will keep my mouth shut: I kind of knew that would be the right answer, but it's horrible watching it.

Is there no way of telling her anonymously?

For all you know the ‘working on it, dating, not divorcing’ thing is just a cover story they’ve both agreed on for public consumption, because the reality is really no one else’s business.

Does he know that you’re friends with his wife? While swanning around the office with his affair partner?

I don’t know - it’s tricky. I would want to know. If an entire company knew but no one told me it’s like more betrayal.

What I would do depends on a) if he knows I’m friendly with him wife and b) if she already knew about the affair and that’s why they separated in the first place.

One way or another the messenger always gets shot.
If you decide to tell, be very careful and do it completely anonymously.

If it's complicated does that mean you see her socially but as a colleagues wife?

Because honestly if you see her socially i don't see how you can look the poor woman in the face.

I used to work with a HR Manager who was always having affairs with married men, she caused loads of relationships problems then would move companies and start the process again. Some people just dont care. Not your problem. Sad I know.

I would try to tell her anonymously

I woukd want to know. 100%.

In my experience if I do nothing and wait long enough the situation resolves itself. This is a very good example of that. They aren’t hiding the affair, he’s making a mockery of his wife and people have noticed, this will blow up in his face without you needing to do a thing.

Yeah. I think he thinks they're being subtle - they'll sometimes come into the building at separate times, forgetting we can see the carpark from the window and see they came in one car. She does know about the affair but as far as I know via a mutual friend he went for a combination of denying/massively downplaying it and the evidence she has wasn't enough of a smoking gun to disprove. I wish I knew nothing about it, honeslty: if I were her I would want someone to tell me, but I'm not her and I don't have kids or a marriage of 20 years.

I've never spent one-on-one time with her solo and haven't been at an event with her in over a year (used to be much more often and family-type events, hence why I know her fairly well). So it's not like we're close enough that me contacting her out of the blue would be usual - if she asked me outright if I bumped into her or she messaged me that I'd tell her whatever she wanted to know, no questions asked. But reaching out to do it feels different.

@scoopsahoooy In which case I would tell her.

Her self-esteem must be through the floor. I’ve experienced the real anxiety and angst and wondering if you can trust or not. What he’s up to. Thinking you’re going mad when you’re not. Tying herself up in knots.

If I knew without a shadow of a doubt he was stringing both along, I would do it for her sanity. It’s like being tortured being in that position.

Obviously I would (maybe selfishly) want to protect my job and reputation but I would tell her WITH PROOF and anonymously. Pics of them arriving together or whatnot. But he’s weaseled his way out of it once already and he will lie to her face again. She needs receipts.

He’s a cunt leading on his wife .. from one woman to another I’d be speaking up!

@scoopsahoooy she knows, she’s waiting for further proof, this is not a case of blowing her life up, she’s aware of an affair but doesn’t have enough info, give it to her. Anonymously if you want, but she will be going out of her mind trying to piece things together and you can give her the answers she’s searching for and her personal agency back.

I would tell her anonymously