Was her banter too far?

[Anonforthis1234]

I know negging and banter where a guy puts down a woman’s looks as a “joke” are rightly seen as red flags - but what about when it’s the other way around?

Just come back from a family event. DB was there with his girlfriend of three years. They live on the other side of the country so we don’t see them very often. Both in mid/early forties. DB has always been quite bookish and a bit of a geek - not at all the “blokey” sort.

We were chatting about DB’s hair and how he needed a haircut. DB’s GF has a thing for Pedro Pascal and so he joked he could take a photo of him in and ask for a similar cut - she scoffed and said “yeah and they’ll laugh and say good luck with that mate!”

DB laughed along but he’s always been crap at hiding his emotions and he looked crushed.

On the one hand, I know his GF comes from a stereotypical Essex family (her own words), where it’s very much her mum is “she who must be obeyed” and her dad “knows his place” - so I know for her it’s “banter” that couples do. So is DB just being soft?

Sorry, not actually thinking of interfering with their relationship here - it’s just one of those things I’d never considered before and this incident started me questioning so wanted to know what others thought?

YABVU to be remotely bothered by this

You know your DB better than any of us here and if you think he looked crushed then he possibly was.

Sounds more like bullying from his gf. She may well come from a stereotypical Essex family (her words) but it’s an excuse and a poor one at that. There’s no justification for such put downs.

I think you’re over reacting tbh.

I think your brother may need to come to terms with not looking like a Hollywood star, as most of us do.

This

I mean you were also making fun of your brother as you were all standing round telling him he needed a haircut. So you and your family “started it”, for want of a better phrase.

A bit dickish to say that in public. Plenty of people would be hurt if their partner said that.

If she routinely says that sort of thing in public, one can't help wondering what sort of belittling things she says to him in private.

Sounds like needling bordering on bullying to me - the typical dreaded 'banter'. If the remark was supposed to be funny, it's only a joke if everyone's laughing. I absolutely hate it when people excuse their cutting and hurtful remarks as 'only banter' and the victim as 'too sensitive' or whatever.

are you telling me that you’d think a woman was too sensitive if her partner laughed at her in public after she’d made a joke about wanting a hair cut like a celebrity. I’d be mortified if DH humiliated me like this in front of people. I get it might be banter in private but to do it in front of other people? Mean.

I think it's a really mean thing to say. Imagine the sexes reversed.

If he looked crushed he probably was hurt.

Men can get really deeply sensitive and sad about hair loss. They try to hide it but it can be very depressing and knock their confidence hugely.

But presuming she was just making a joke and didn't actually want to humiliate or hurt him. It obviously just went a bit far. I'd hope they can navigate these things without a big fallout.

I would imagine they'll either forget it or work it out amongst themselves. There isn't really anything you can do or say. Bringing it up could be embarrassing for him.

I think this is one of those things where you really have to be there and possibly know the people involved.

I can picture a situation where I’d say the exact same thing to my husband if he said he was going to take a picture of a famously hot Hollywood star in to the hairdressers with him, and I can also imagine him saying the same to me if it was reversed and it being perfectly fine and just us laughing together about the idea of thinking you could make yourself look like a famously good looking Hollywood star, or how Zendaya’s hair would be just the thing to set off my usual leggings and slippers work from home look.

But I can also see, with just the slightest change in tone, it could be nasty or upsetting.

I think it’s probably safest to assume that the woman in question, speaking to her own partner and in front of his family, did not intend it to be a crushing put down though.

I look like a Hollywood star.

It just happens to be Shrek.

OP, it's sweet that you are upset for your DB. It would have upset me if someone (especially a GF) had spoken to my brother that way. But I wouldn't say anything and risk making it worse, unless he specifically had asked me to, which is most unlikely. Best thing is to deal with it in the moment with a laughingly light "Oh, don't say that! He's lovely-looking!" and then let it rest.

No

That's the sort of twatty joke I'd have made when I was young and insensitive, but it isn't funny, it's just a bit mean.
Your brother is a bit oversensitive maybe to be "crushed" by it, but either way, it still isn't nice.

His GF sounds mean. Reminds me of my ex, always jokingly put me down but really meaning it. He was worse in private too.

Why would you assume that? Unless you know her?

It’s not what you say, it’s the way you say it

The typical Essex family bit is that code for act like a prick cos that's what we're like