Was her banter too far?

[Anonforthis1234]

I know negging and banter where a guy puts down a woman’s looks as a “joke” are rightly seen as red flags - but what about when it’s the other way around?

Just come back from a family event. DB was there with his girlfriend of three years. They live on the other side of the country so we don’t see them very often. Both in mid/early forties. DB has always been quite bookish and a bit of a geek - not at all the “blokey” sort.

We were chatting about DB’s hair and how he needed a haircut. DB’s GF has a thing for Pedro Pascal and so he joked he could take a photo of him in and ask for a similar cut - she scoffed and said “yeah and they’ll laugh and say good luck with that mate!”

DB laughed along but he’s always been crap at hiding his emotions and he looked crushed.

On the one hand, I know his GF comes from a stereotypical Essex family (her own words), where it’s very much her mum is “she who must be obeyed” and her dad “knows his place” - so I know for her it’s “banter” that couples do. So is DB just being soft?

Sorry, not actually thinking of interfering with their relationship here - it’s just one of those things I’d never considered before and this incident started me questioning so wanted to know what others thought?

And that's what gets results.😁almost Funboy three /Bananarama record.

Because I don’t think most people are actually arseholes who intend to put their partners down in front of their family - outside of AIBU land anyway.

If it was a pattern of behaviour then maybe, but although OP has said a bit about this woman’s own family’s dynamics, there’s nothing to say she’s constantly unkind to or belittling her partner, and no other examples given.

I think, unless you’ve got actual evidence to the contrary, assumption of positive intent is a pretty good rule to live by where you can, especially around people you need to see regularly and maintain decent relationships with.

Sounds completely normal and not something at all for a grown man to be “completely crushed” over. Does your brother actually think he looks like Pedro Pascal or something?

Urgh, nothing to do with coming from Essex, it's to do with her being a gobby twat.

I don't really like that kind of humour, personally, but that's me. Maybe your brother doesn't mind or thinks the rest of the relationship is good enough to overlook it. She sounds like one of those obnoxious people who think they're 'a right laugh' and don't care who they trample on for the laughs.

I don’t think this is a gender issue, anyone is capable of bad, demeaning banter - man or woman.

Its difficult to tell without being there to witness the full context, but if it makes the person feel bad, then its not good banter, is it?

I know his GF comes from a stereotypical Essex family (her own words), where it’s very much her mum is “she who must be obeyed” and her dad “knows his place”

The term you're looking for is domestic abuse, controlling behaviour. For some reason it's not widely recognised when the genders are reversed. As you acknowledge, these are the role models that your db's gf has been raised under, and what you just witnessed was the early stages of it towards your db.

Genuine banter is a two way street - does your db give as good as he gets?