Will my adult dc ever grow up

[grinandslothit]

I'm so distraught
I have 2 DC
DD age 43
DS age 36

Neither one of them work or have any interest in working

I'm retired and live in a tiny flat on a pension

They keep asking me for money. Last year I just stopped giving them any money at all. That doesn't stop them from asking

My son has been sleeping here on my floor about 2 months. Hell get up go panhandle for a few hours and comes back.
About 2 weeks ago, I gave him 30 days to move out.

I hope he leaves on his own but I'm a little concerned he won't

I keep hoping they'll grow up and get work and live normal lives

I just want my peaceful retired life back

At 43 and 36 I think they've probably finished all the growing up that they're ever likely to, unfortunately.

That is a spectacular failure to launch for both of them. Do they have some sort of special needs as I just can see how that came about? Presumably you have been giving them money all these years so my next question is why?

I think they are possibly as grown up as they are ever going to be sadly.

What will you do if he doesn’t go within 30 days?

Why do you think they’re both like this?

Have they ever left home?

I wish I knew. There's no serious special needs. They are educated, able bodied, and capable of working. They just don't want to. they've told me this. I feel I failed them somehow.

I haven't been supporting them the entire time. It's more like 20 here. Or 1000 for some imaginary crisis a few times until I realised they were taking advantage and stopped.

Yes DD lives with this guy in an off and on situation.

DS had his own flat for a few years until he refused to sign recertification papers and lost his housing so he's been homeless too.

So how do they live ( apart from sponging off you) ? Do they claim benefits etc?

Are you in the US?

Do you mean they've never worked?

They both have some type of benefits

This sort of situation is a lot more common nowadays than it was 40 or 50 years ago.
I have many people in my circle ( myself included) who have adult offspring still at home in their 30's for various reasons, I wonder if this is down to the lack of affordable housing both rented and owned.
For example a house that I used to rent on a single person's salary in the 70's was recently up for rent again at £2500 a month!
The lack of wanting to work is a separate issue however, and a lot of people ( especially if the are graduates) are not prepared to do jobs that they consider not "suitable"
However how they OP gets her adult DC'S to leave is beyond me it's not as easy as just saying go, unless you have been in that position you don't realise how difficult it is.

he’ll get up go panhandle for a few hours and comes back.
About 2 weeks ago, I gave him 30 days to move out.
panhandle? Does that mean go and beg on the street?

If he doesn't leave and then arrange a locksmith to come and change the locks when he goes out. By the sound of things he will not be making alternative arrangements. This is not your problem, he is an adult and will need to figure it out. Suggest he goes to stay with his sister.

OP, This isn't sustainable. Send your daughter back to wherever she was living and suggest your son goes with her.
If you are in the UK you will have to make your son homeless so that he can apply for some sort of accommodation or he could go to a hostel.
Stop enabling them by giving them money and then they will have to take action to sort themselves out.

You need to take drastic action when they go out change the locks on your door and do not let them back in.

What do you mean by " no serious special needs "

Have they ever been employed at all?

This is not going to happen, as no one wants to put their children on the streets. So a useless unhelpful suggestion.

@grinandslothit this is an awful situation for you and I have no idea how you can fix it. The only part in your control is not to give any financial help. They want money, they work for it. They don’t want to work, well they’ll have to get used to having no money. Don’t buy groceries for two, just yourself, aim for things you know he doesn’t like eating. I know it will be hard to do but you do need to toughen up and teach him work pays. He’s only 36, there is still time.

At that age I doubt there’s much hope for change. There must be something going on though. I don’t think any normal person would want to panhandle and sleep on a floor instead of getting a job. Is there drugs/MH issues? Did they witness their parents going to work when they were children?

What panhandling means is going on the streets to beg for money

He might have had one job a few odd jobs painting housing doing lawn work
My daughter had a couple jobs in retail less than 6 months worth I'd say

Yes both parents worked regular jobs so they saw us both working full time

From what people are saying it doesn't sound too hopeful. That is also what my therapist said that they do what they want to do.

I think that the most reasonable suggestion here is to slowly stop providing for them, an empty fridge can help more than threats to end on the street. Over the years, I have hear people saying “buy a smaller place” here but you are already there. I know someone who pushed her panhandler out just for him to move permanently to her garden shed, that is until he got violent and the police removed him (several times). He is not there anymore but… she doesn’t know either if he is alive or away in prison. The problem is that if he is already used to live with almost nothing, there is hardly any motivation to change.

Op, one wish they could do better but they won’t if they don’t need to. I am tempted to suggest you contact Age Concern to see if they can provide helpful suggestions to protect yourself, they should see cases like these all the time.

I assumed you lived in the USA and he was actually going pan handling for gold in a river! 😁

You can see the culture even within these comments is that for most the important thing is for the children to move out, rather than the most important thing is for them to find a job.

How exactly are they supposed to move out without an income? I suppose most think benefits? They need to get a job first, and then that will help to pay for housing.

Do they do anything, socialising, hobbies, interests, anything at all you can build on? I can't imagine how it got to this point, but you can only look forward - try to get them enthusiastic about life, so that taking a course or working in that area is something they want to do. Does your DS game, that's an easy way to avoid the real world, but nobody gets to their 70s and looks back thinking "I wish I'd spent a bit longer on call of duty."

Can they help in your garden or on a project with you and experience satisfaction at actually achieving something?

They are stuck, their lives are empty, if they move out now it isn't going to do anything but relocate the inertia. Go back to fill in the gaps, inspire and encourage them,talk about hopes and dreams, anything at all.

Good luck, this sounds an impossible situation for you, but anything you can do will help.

Just to clarify further. The issue isn't that he can't find work or can't rent a place or can't afford a place.
The issue is he does not want to work he is not looking for work because he doesn't want to work. He has told me this.