Should I tell my partner about my troubled past and record?

[NotToldasNotrelevant]

Do you tell your partner everything about your past? I had a very troubled time in my teens and very early twenties. I have a criminal record due to this.
I put it all behind me, no issues whatsoever since and I’ve kept the past in the past.

Recently bumped into someone I knew from back then had a chat and afterwards dh was asking how I knew them as they seemed very different to the friends I have now and he was a bit surprised I think? It made me wonder have i done the right thing ?

Weve been married nearly 30 years. I dont hide anything and I wouldn't lie if he asked me but he doesnt know everything about my past because some things have never come up and im not one for answering questions that haven't been asked.

Depends on the conviction.

Do you trust him? how long have you been together?
Having a ‘troubled’ past for whatever reason is likely to have made you feel quite vulnerable so I can understand not wanting to share but I also can’t imagine my husband not knowing a huge chunk of my life, even if he didn’t know all of it.

It depends what kind of trouble and conviction we are talking

I guess it depends on if it comes up in conversation. I am quite a different person to who I was in my late teens and early 20s. I don’t have a record, but I did things I wouldn’t do now and I was friends with people I wouldn’t be friends with today.

Have I sat Dh down and given him a full accounting of those times? No. Have I thrown in an appropriate to the conversation anecdote about my drug dealing downstairs neighbours? Or my heroin addict ex? Yes. If I had anything I might need to declare for legal reasons in the future, might I mention it? Possibly.

I think because I put it all behind me and it was traumatic that I’m scared to open it all up again. It’s not something I want to think about or explain and it would take a lot of explaining as he would be confused as it’s so far from the person I am now.

I'd be really annoyed if I discovered my DH had a criminal record and he hadn't told me about it - especially if it was something that might affect our ability to travel (some countries won't grant you a visa if you have one)

Were the crimes violent? Do they affect anything like your ability to have certain jobs, volunteer with kids or travel to certain countries? I think the amount of importance I would place on disclosure would depend on those things.

I’m not sure but there were incidents of breach of peace, cautions for assault and threats. I was abused by my mother and if I tried to get out I’d try to break the door / window and scream or she would hurt me and if I fought back and she had a mark she would call the police. I begged for help but I was labelled as a troubled teen etc and she had a job where she was very well respected and I was not helped.

Are there places you won’t be able to go on holiday because of this?
Are you expressing values nowadays that make you look a bit of a hypocrite compared to back then?
Could someone take pleasure in telling him?

If all No’s then not a problem, if there are yes answers then maybe tell him.

Hmm this is a tricky one.

Has it ever come up in conversation, where you’ve lied or deliberately omitted sharing information? I’ve always asked new partners if they’ve ever been arrested in the getting to know them stage, but I don’t know if that’s a normal thing lots of people do.

A criminal conviction is different to a lifestyle choice, it can have a real impact on your current options/choices, such as employment or travel.

I don’t think so ? We’ve been on holiday to Spain, France, Portugal, Egypt, Turkey and Sri Lanka and I’ve never had any issues?

What is your relationship with your mum like nowadays (assuming there isn’t no contact from either side)

I don’t think anyone would know. My parents have been dead a long time now and I don’t see any other family .

She passed away when I was 24

America is the place most people think of, it’s not always a blanket no but it does need to be declared for visa purposes and you can be refused entry.

Not a fun time to have to reveal all if you wanted to take the kids to Disney.

I just hate to think about discussing any of it. I’d really blocked it off in my mind and had a fresh start and I don’t want to have to explain it all to him. Then I worry that I’m wrong to keep it a secret.

I’m assuming things like the US for holidays would bring it up - you’d probably need a visa rather than an ESTA which would make it obvious.

I’d be heartbroken if I found out my husband had been arrested for assault / threats when younger and hadn’t been honest with me when we got together. I think it would really shake the feeling that I know him as a person and all of those sorts of things - especially if he’d decided to keep it from me, it would make me think I didn’t know him / he wasn’t honest with me about things.

From what you’ve described it sounds like a hard situation, I just can’t imagine how it never ever came up in conversation to someone you’re married to?

have you been open about the unhappy childhood and abuse you experienced from your parents? Or have you portrayed your formative years as bog standard?

This would be an unforgivable degree of omission to me in a marriage.

it would also come out with certain kinds of travel or if your spouse applied for a job with a particular kind of background check.

The most he knows is that I had very strict parents and I wasn’t happy

I'd feel like I couldn't trust the person I was in a relationship if I found out something big from their past. Maybe not minor convictions - any big ones or prison sentences for instance; or prior involvement in gangs or with very dodgy people; major crimes that hadn't caught up with them but still could. Essentially, anything that could still pop up and bite us in the arse as a couple, I'd want to be forewarned about

It wouldn't be a deal breaker at the start necessarily - my DP spent his late teens and early 20s in prison and had a dodgy life for a time after, but changed completely. Not if they clearly lived a different life now. I'd be devastated to find out I'd built my life around a person who didn't trust me enough let me into who the are fully though. It would feel like I couldn't trust anything about them anymore. I know all my DPs worst things and he knows mine, there are no hidden skeletons.

So I guess for me, it depends quite how checkered that background is...

I would be very hurt if DH felt he couldn’t talk to me about something like that. I’m not sure how I’d react if I found out he’d kept it from me.

I’m sorry for what your mum put you through and that no one believed you.

I think that it’s your shout, you get to decide on how/when/if you disclose it but be aware that it could come up. My employer look into not just mine but my family’s background. When adopting I’m pretty sure they do similar?

It sounds like you have come a long way. Have you ever had therapy?
I ask as it might help to make peace with your past. It sounds like a tricky time.

Respectfully, if I were your life partner, I would expect you to be honest with me, no matter how much explaining or reluctance was involved. If I have thrown in my lot with you, I expect you to go to some trouble on my behalf.

I really think hiding the fact you have a criminal record from your partner is not okay. If I found out now after years of marriage that my husband had a criminal record and failed to tell me then I’d be seriously considering ending our marriage, not because of the record itself but because it really is a big thing to keep private.