Should I tell my partner about my troubled past and record?

[NotToldasNotrelevant]

Do you tell your partner everything about your past? I had a very troubled time in my teens and very early twenties. I have a criminal record due to this.
I put it all behind me, no issues whatsoever since and I’ve kept the past in the past.

Recently bumped into someone I knew from back then had a chat and afterwards dh was asking how I knew them as they seemed very different to the friends I have now and he was a bit surprised I think? It made me wonder have i done the right thing ?

I think you’d feel better for telling him, OP. And if you’ve never received any professional help, maybe you’d feel able to pursue that with his support?

I think it depends on whether it’s never really come up , or whether you’ve actually lied to him.

OH doesn’t know every single thing from my past, but I’ve mentioned things in conversations (and I was willing to say more of asked) so there’s a fairly accurate, of not full, picture there.

That's tricky and I really feel for you and understand you not wanting to go over painful memories.

However, if I found out that DH had hidden something like this I'd struggle to move past it. It sounds like you were the victim, rather than perpetrator, regardless of your criminal record, but it's still a big secret to keep.

Have you even said to him that you had a terrible time as a teenager and that you didn’t get on with your Mum?

I think I just drew a massive line under it as it was so traumatic I just wanted to start again ? I’ve never had therapy I probably should have but I didn’t feel I could trust anyone after asking for help so many times and getting none?

How long have you been together? How long ago since you were last involved with your past life?

How likely is any of it to fully come out? Your DH being blindsided by the full weight and depth of this is the worst possible scenario. However , if that’s highly unlikely to happen, I’d say keep that line drawn under it.

Another option would be to drop little things when relevant, into conversation and then expand when/if he asks questions rather than a massive big reveal.

The criminal record needs disclosing before you get very serious because this could impact him, but I wouldn't rush it. The rest is your story and for you to disclose or not when/if you feel ready. My DH had a traumatic childhood, 20 years later I'm still learning new things about it and not aware of all the ins and outs.

I have a not dissimilar issue in some ways OP, so I thought I’d name change (of course!) and explain my past and present so to speak. I didn’t transition very well into adult life, racked up debt and got caught in a vicious circle of my salary going in and shooting back out again almost straightaway. My twenties and most of my thirties were very troubled tbh because I was trying to lead one type of life whilst patently being unable to financially or emotionally. I was a lap dancer at one point (not a very good one as it happens!) and had some very questionable mates and lifestyle. I also had an abortion around this time which perhaps some don’t see as a big deal but it was to me … I still think about that baby (11th June 2004 ) but it is done now and was the right choice, I do believe that.

I actually turned to alcohol as a coping mechanism and started drinking very heavily. On one occasion I was stopped and breathalysed and was over the limit. No excuses but in context I hadn’t realised - it was from the night before and I didn’t feel drunk (had quite the reserves by that point.)

So that was that in a way except it wasn’t. I applied for a million jobs and finally got one; I was frank and open at interview about it all. It took a while as drink driving is one of those things people will always judge and I’m fully expecting some horrible comments in response to this.

Have I talked about it with DH? No. The best way I can explain it is that it happened to someone else. I really go feel like it happened to my sister or something which perhaps isn’t healthy but it is very far removed from my life now. I do like to think I have a level of compassion and understanding about other people’s faults and failings that many don’t have.

I think your case is different as he could well find out and it could be tricky to approach. I’m not sure what the best move is but I do get it. When my DH met me I was a nice normal woman in my 30s (well, kind of!) and I don’t especially want to remove that illusion!

So this is not helpful but I wanted to say I understand.

I’m not surprised you have felt like that, and I’m really sorry that your mum/parent’s actions are still causing you anxiety and challenges now.

its not fair and sounds like you’ve overcome an enormous amount of obstacles. I admire that hugely 💕

it does sound like you would benefit from therapy with the right person, and that might be when you decide to share what happened to you with your DH.

i hope that he would be understanding and supportive, and proud of what you have achieved. Either way, it could be a weight lifted from you which would enable you to live your life even more freely 💕

You don’t have to disclose any more than you’re comfortable to do. People react in a variety of different ways. I find if they don’t have any reference points to comprehend a different life path, they can’t understand and sometimes they don’t actually want to know.

I have a few good people in my life who know most of my story, but I’ve always found partners judge too harshly so I’ve never told them much. I’ve worked through things and I’m a happy and positive person, but too much trauma can often be off putting even if you’re able to live life in a healthy way.

Don’t feel pressured to overshare. Go at your own pace and do what feels right.
Edited to add, I choose poorly and pick men who aren’t good for me so part of that is my fault. If you’ve got a good one you could have different choices.

It sounds as though these are spent - cautions wouldn’t come up on an enhanced DBS after all this time. I’m sorry you had to go through this.

The only response any decent person could have to that OP is 'I'm so sorry that must have been terrible for you'.

I think it's something he should know about, if you don't feel you can say it out loud then write him a letter. Secrets in relationships don't tend to work out well for anyone.

I’m not really sure how you’ve managed to not tell your partner. Does the trauma not still impact you now? I had a very difficult time in my late teens and early 20’s, it’s affected me massively, even though I have a good career and well adjusted young adult DC now, I still get triggered easily and ‘go back there’. I told my new partner about it all very early on. I felt they needed to know the whole me.

I think the trauma affected me in a way where my mind has cut it off? So many times I begged for help and I was told I was a liar and how could I do that to my mum who was just trying to help me. That I was being badly behaved / unkind / obnoxious etc etc. Nobody believed me as she played the victim so well that at some point I think my mind just accepted that ? I’m still probably stuck in that denial ?

Op perhaps you don’t have a criminal record at all ? I don’t know much about it but as you were a minor, and you haven’t been convicted of anything, I think you need to check this .
If you do, then yes you need to tell a serious partner .

I think there are degrees of crime, caused the death of another or serious crimes yes absolutely there should be disclosure.

The things you have detailed, absolutely not, it was another lifetime, you are a different person and I would question what would be achieved by a confession.

My ex husband was in prison and I do tell anyone I date about it if things are going to 3/4/5 dates, because I had a rough time and my children don’t see their dad because of this. Honesty is important to me - if someone didn’t tell me about their background and I found out later on, it would be a deal breaker

OP, I think there are some bonkers answers on here. It sounds like any charges against you were when you were a minor, so no need to worry about impact going forward.

As for your DH - I am usually a big proponent of honesty. However you have to think about what you tell him and when. Being in therapy might help support you with this and a good therapist can help facilitate this discussion.

It might help your DH understand you better if he knows about this, as I would guess that the experiences you had then are still affecting your behaviour in a major way - for example, expecting no one will believe you, or help you. It makes sense you feel that way, but neither one is true or helpful as a way of life. However much you feel you have drawn a line under it, I would bet it is still affecting you.

You were abused. Its not you who should feel ashamed about it, or the consequences of it. Anyone who loves you will support you. I am sorry for what happened to you. You have already done amazingly to come through it and establish a good relationship.

Do you have children?

Even in a Claire’s Law the police will only disclose violent crimes or coercive behaviour. They don’t include every speeding fine and minor cautions from years ago.

Some of these responses are really strange.
You were a victim of abuse and your parent used the police against you to further control you, that criminal record shouldn’t exist really, you did nothing wrong.
It’s not a matter of telling your partner about the criminal record, it would be if you are comfortable telling him about the abusive past.
Depending on what age you were these might be wiped already.
Sorry you had to go through all that 💐

Doesn’t have to be convictions, the police will disclose allegations. The OP said some were for assault as well

I dated someone many years ago, he said he had been to prison for a petty crime shoplifting, in his very early 20s, only done 4 months, but thought i should know straight away so he was not judged for lieing.
Changed his life when coming out all good didnt put me off at all he was very honest about it no problems.

However 3 months later, turned out it was all a lie he said most women like a man with a bit of a past thats why he said but because he really liked me i should know the truth and how sorry he was for lieing.

I said i dont like lies and i will not be fooled again it ends here, try to learn from it good by.

That was that blocked and moved on.
Thank god i didnt fall madly inlove id still be there with a lier.

Op we all have a past and it down to us to tell it or not, if said person was not in it it has nothing to do with them.
But being with someone for years as a couple, i do think depending on how bad it was they should know, they just might fine out via someone else who knows.

This is difficult. Do you trust your partner 100%?

Might it be easier to have counselling to talk though how you feel about your mum and your past before you tell your bf?