Leaving after baby — what does co-parenting actually look like in real life?

[TwoBunnies]

My partner cheated on me just before I gave birth to our second child. We also have a young son, and he now seems to be moving on.

I feel that I need to move forward as well, but I’m finding it quite scary. I’ve always imagined raising my children in a stable, two-parent household, as that’s what I had growing up.

I know that single parenting and co-parenting can work well, but I don’t really have a clear picture of what that looks like in real life, for both the children and the parents.

I’m trying to approach this thoughtfully, especially as I’m only a few weeks postpartum and aware that this may not be the easiest time to make big decisions.

For those who’ve been through something similar (either as a parent or a child), I would really appreciate hearing your experiences. What does day-to-day life look like when things are working well — for both the children and the mum — and what might the future look like?

There is such a huge variation, it's really not possible to say what it might look like. Some examples from my immediate circle:

1. Man cheats on his wife and leaves for his pregnant girlfriend. He helps with kids for the first six months by picking him up from school and waiting with them in former marital home until mum comes back for the first few months. While there, he eats her food and leaves dirty dishes in the sink. He pays no maintenance. Eventually, his new girlfriend decided he shouldn't be hanging around his forme spouse, he disappears never to be seen again.
2. Couple break up when the child is one in unpleasant circumstances. Dad disappears for 12 years but does pay maintenance. He reappears when the child is 13, plays supper dad and the child decided they want to live with him. Court case ensues.
3. Couple break up when child is one. Dad pays over the maintenance, picks the child from school one day a week, takes the child every other weekend and all school holidays. They alternate Christmas and Easter. He also is available on short notice to take the child to doctors appointments, stay with them while they are sick etc.
4. Man leaves his wife after 25 year marriage. Three pre-teens spend every weekend with him, half the holiday and he has one day a week of alone time with each child.
5. Couple separates but still live together. Everything looks the same on the surface but they sleep in the separate rooms for the past 10 years.

As you can see, it varies greatly and largely depends on the character of the man in question and how amicable things are after divorce.

Sorry he let you down so badly, what a shit.

I became a single parent when my child was 2. Her dad helped a bit but has (seemingly gladly) faded away since she started school. He does see her more in school holidays. But in term time he sees her for half a day at the weekend…never had her overnight. So even in school holidays he has her for half a day (with my mum doing the other half) a few times.

its a very personal experience and no two coparenting situations are the same

i vehemently disagree with 50/50 custody so would never / will never agree to that - he’d have to take me to court to get it

I think it's a discussion that you have to have with the co-parent. What does he envisage the time split being? How will he fit it around work? Obviously with a small baby, you're not going to want to be away from them for long, if at all. So think about what you want too. It might be a case of him visiting the children at home for a bit, if you're ok with that.

He wants to do 50/50 co-parenting and is planning to rent somewhere nearby, but I’m not sure how practical that is with such a young baby.

We’re still living in the same house at the moment. I do need his help with the children, but it’s hard emotionally — seeing him every day makes it difficult to switch off from everything that’s happened.

What does it look like as the kids get older? Do they tend to be happy and settled, or do they feel upset that their parents aren’t together like others?

If he’s already moved on prepare yourself for solo parenting it works when there’s no other people involved my ex has my kids while I work and viceversa we both do shift work we’ve continued what we did when we were together

Is he helping out now, if not he cannot expect 50/50 from the off. I doubt Court would agree 50/50 for such a young baby, more so if you are breastfeeding, does he work a job that can accommodate this and before anyone else says it, you need to get proper legal advice.

Obviously, that varies massively according to each family's situation. There are far too many variables affecting each situation for you to be able to extrapolate from anything any poster might tell you.

It totally depends on how the adults conduct themselves and the ages of the DC when the split occurred. Children feel more secure when both parents co-operate, are consistent, keep any negative feelings about the other parent away from the children.

Older children are more likely to feel unsettled about their parents not being together. Younger children grow up not knowing anything different.

If he wants 50:50 and you’re willing, make sure he does a fully equal. 50%. In my circle the one that works by far the best is parent A has Monday and Tuesday each week, parent B Wednesday and Thursday, alternate Friday to Sunday. Each parent fully responsible for the child on their day and night including covering sickness, holiday childcare, clubs ect ect ect.

if you can remain civil and work together the children will be fine. It’s the conflict that is really damaging, a stable routine with parents willing to work together is ideal.

Long term and short term will look very different.
My own experience of divorce with a 6 and 3yr old plus 4 month old was from the start the older 2 did the standard every other weekend plus 1 evening a week whilst baby stayed with me as exclusively bf. On weekends when he had the kids we would meet in town and he would take baby for 2 hours whilst I went to a coffee shop and read a book and baby was returned when hungry. Time with Dad gradually increased but baby would take a bottle so very limited until fully weaned and could have animal/plant milk. When I returned to working evenings he used to bring baby to work for bedtime feed.

In hindsight separating the kids was a bad idea and the older 2 and the younger one had a much stronger relationship with their Dad and the baby was othered and the older 2 felt like like I favourited the baby as I spent a lot more time with them

My advice would be whatever the arrangements keep the kids together

He is asking me to buy him out of the mortgage (which I am financially able to do). Does he have the right to require this?

If you jointly own the house then yes.

I'm sorry, OP. my ex had an emotional affair which I didn't know about until about a month after he left me, it turned physical almost immediately, to the extent that I genuinely don't think he considers it wrong.

We co-parent apart better than we ever did together, as I'm less bothered about rocking the boat and so can speak up more and he seems by and large happy now he's no longer resentful of me.

We do 50:50, the same as a poster said above with a Monday/Tuesday parent A, Wednesday Thursday parent b, and then alternate weekends. It works out a block of 5 days each then a block of 2 days each. We're coming up on a year now, kids are 4 and 8, both SEN. It's worked really well. As far as the kids are concerned, we are a united front. We do parents evenings/nativities/sports days/school events together where possible, mark their birthdays together, fireworks, Halloween, Easter etc we come together for. Hospital appointments we either do together or one will report back depending on the situation. We both benefit from the respite for caring for our high needs children and are better parents for it. Each is responsible for childcare/holiday/sick cover on their days, but we aren't militant about it, as it works both ways, if they're with him and one is off school poorly, and I'm not working, I'll offer to step in, and vice versa he will flex things where he can to support my work schedule as needed. I would argue the mental load is still not 50/50, perhaps more 60/40 70/30, but that's largely because all the online accounts for clubs and school etc were all in my name already so it's easier to keep it that way, but he sorts whatever they need while they're with him /for their home there.

It's not always been easy though, and has required some choosing of peace on my part (and probably his too to be fair) in a commitment to prioritise the kids, and we do seem to be in the minority. But it's early days, I can't know this will last

Partner, so unmarried? In which case yes. A court would give you some time to make other arrangements given the young children, but would force you to sell or buy him out so that he can recover his asset. Make sure you negotiate on value, house prices are down, sales are slow because of the global uncertainty, and you’re saving him the costs of estate agent and legal fees.

Thanks everyone for your advice

What if he had the kids 80% of the time and they saw you every other weekend? You would be okay with that?

Thank you so much—I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me.
To some extent, I’m going through something quite similar. My ex had an emotional affair that almost became physical, and then came back saying that one of the reasons it happened was because the relationship wasn’t right for him and that he no longer loved me. I’ve found that very difficult and quite harsh to process.
What you’ve described sounds like a really positive co-parenting situation, and I can only imagine how much effort and emotional work has gone into making that happen.
In terms of the children, mine are still very young—2.5 years old and a newborn. I feel that if they were older, we might be able to work towards something like what you have, but at the moment it doesn’t seem practical, as I don’t think they can manage without me yet. Do you have any advice on navigating this stage?
On a separate note, everything has felt very sudden to me. From my perspective, the relationship had its issues, but nothing that felt like it was close to ending (otherwise, I wouldn’t have had our second child). I’m finding it quite hard to accept, even though I know I have to.
If you don’t mind me asking—how are you now? Do you feel happier?

Thank you. I agree—I wouldn’t want the children to be separated. My 2.5-year-old is also very attached to me, and I do feel guilty about leaving him with his dad (even though he loves him too, just not to the same extent).

Does he help financially at least?

What would you do instead?

Yes, I agree—it feels like there’s a lot to think through

Thank you. This is encouraging