Leaving after baby — what does co-parenting actually look like in real life?

[TwoBunnies]

My partner cheated on me just before I gave birth to our second child. We also have a young son, and he now seems to be moving on.

I feel that I need to move forward as well, but I’m finding it quite scary. I’ve always imagined raising my children in a stable, two-parent household, as that’s what I had growing up.

I know that single parenting and co-parenting can work well, but I don’t really have a clear picture of what that looks like in real life, for both the children and the parents.

I’m trying to approach this thoughtfully, especially as I’m only a few weeks postpartum and aware that this may not be the easiest time to make big decisions.

For those who’ve been through something similar (either as a parent or a child), I would really appreciate hearing your experiences. What does day-to-day life look like when things are working well — for both the children and the mum — and what might the future look like?

Thank you

But if you kept the children together, you would have had to look after all three of them—was that even manageable?

What would you do instead?

I think at such young ages it would be fairly difficult to do 50/50. I'd say your eldest could probably do overnight with just her dad now/soon but I don't really know the answer with the baby.

I think slowly building up the time they spend alone with him is probably the best course of action.

Either you buy him out, or the house is sold. In your situation I’d ask for time as you’re busy with recovering from the birth and he’s dumped you with the sleepless nights. And let him do the hard work selling the house. He can rent for a while until the house situation is resolved.

No court will expect you to let him have overnights for an infant. Your best defence is to exclusively breast feed as long as possible. If the baby’s not on a bottle, he can’t have the baby for any length of time and you are in your rights to breast feed - I’d keep it up for 18 months.

As for the older child, it’s sensible for your partner to maintain a relationship. But 50:50 is just that - he can’t pick and choose to make his own life easier. He does 50% of dentist visits, 50% of nursery or school parents meetings and events, 50% of play dates and parties. He has to be actively organised - not rely on you to do all of the “wife work” . So he needs to ask nursery/school to send him copies of all correspondence

And: He keeps dc when dc is sick or inset days and HE has to take time off work for that.

You alternate Christmas and birthdays.

He helps you financially while you are on Mat leave and until he can have dc2 50% of the time. I suggest that is fair and probably not possible until both kids are over 4

My db’s wife cheated. Kids were and 8 and 4 and my db adored them and became RP and he had them at least 50% of the time. She was happy not to be bothered by them while she shagged her new fella and the Co parenting worked well as my db stoically got on with it for the kids sake

50:50 can work out with older kids, it is never easy though

What about travelling together when co-parenting? My older son asked today if we could travel somewhere together at some point, and I agreed. But later, he kept asking if we could take his father with us. I really don’t know how I should react to that.

I split up from my ex when the children were 6m and 3 years. This was 12 years ago and I was on maternity leave at the time.
I went back to work when the baby was 1 and the routine we have had since then, is kids at my house Monday, then his house Tuesday and Wednesday, back to mine on Thursday. Weekends we were generally flexible - for many years they would generally stay with him on a Saturday night which seemed to work for all. Now the kids are older, one no longer goes there, and the other still follows the same Tuesday/ Weds routine. They rarely go on weekends now. This routine worked well for me as it meant I could work late / early on the days in the week they were with their dad.

My children were older (9 & 4), but for me the priority has always been them and what’s fair. Where it’s possible, I think working towards a 50/50 split is ideal. Having both parents actively involved is so important. It’s not a child’s fault when a relationship ends, and I don’t agree with automatically favouring one parent unless there’s a clear reason.
I think we can be too quick to assume one of us “deserves” more time. Personally, I wouldn’t want my children to miss out on their dad, or for him to miss out on them. That feels unfair all round. Yes, he was the one who made the mistake that led to the breakdown of our relationship, but using the kids to punish him is cruel.
Of course, if there are safety concerns, that’s a different situation and I think in your case you need to think practically as you can't be away from a baby for very long. Maybe it needs to be short visits with the baby and some overnights with your eldest. If things aren't working for the kids then you can revisit other options.

My ex is a great dad, honestly, he’s been even more present since we separated. The kids are settled, well-rounded, and used to our routine. We do have the occasional disagreement, but overall we co-parent really well.
We split everything 50/50, doing two days at a time and alternating weekends. It works because it keeps things balanced, neither of us gets stuck with all the weekday responsibilities like clubs and activities.
If it’s your day, you take responsibility for everything, including sickness, but we get on well enough to support each other when needed.
I also think it’s been really positive for the kids to see us handle things this way. It shows them how to communicate, compromise, and navigate situations as adults.

My experience was very similar to you, one child 3 one less than 1, ex cheated whilst pregnant. He did not pay CS left me in a house I couldn't buy him out of etc. He had the kids on a Friday night until lunch on Saturday if we were lucky, as they got older He really lost interest and kids(now grown) have never forgiven him.
I met someone else and had two more children, that also didn't work, we split when I fI was pregnant with second, he always paid support ( very low) and never had them overnight just Sunday for about 5 hours. Also did so little with them they didn't want to go. They think he is a sad loser(not my words).
On a positive note they've all been to uni and are great well adjusted adults with good careers and I am happy being single, but it put me off men for life!

You know what, I was 20 when I became a single parent to an 8 month old and he’s now 10 and I genuinely think he’s had a much more stable happy environment than I grew up in. I too was upset thinking he no longer had the family unit I envisioned but I have a happy secure little boy. My childhood I was surrounded by my parents screaming and shouting and it was only the other day actually I reflected and thought as a lone parent my son has never been exposed to toxicity and shouting which were the things that traumatised me.

my parents were also very toxic to each other involving solicitors, social services, tit for tat at each other after divorcing and I never wanted that for my son. I think his dad is a giant dickhead but he will never know that as I vowed to put any feelings aside for his sake. From a baby we had an every other weekend arrangement, his dad prioritised his life until he was about 2 and met a woman who was very family orientated. I’m quite agreeable to swapping each others contact time to accommodate family coming from afar etc, we alternate Christmas so one has Xmas Eve until Xmas day afternoon and the other has Xmas day afternoon to Boxing Day. He pays maintenance and I invite to parents evenings. His dad originally was cheating on me and I caught him on gay dating websites but that’s a whole other story 🙄 but I don’t want him to grow up with anything like I did because when it’s toxic, it’s the child that suffers. I’m now 30 with my 10 year old son and have a relationship I’ve been in for a year with no immediate plans to move in together and I’m quite happy that way. I know not everyone has an amicable co parenting relationship but really try and put any feelings aside and focus on the best interests of your children and I promise you they won’t suffer for it and will grow up happy. I don’t think a family unit with the nuclear family is absoloutely everything and do believe children can be absoloutely fine having 2 homes with happy parents that are apart