Partner buying explicit photos from women online: cheating or porn equivalent?

[BB333]

Is it cheating?
keen to get people’s views. The other day I found out that my partner has, on occasion, brought explicit pictures of woman off eBay that he had asked for.
he admitted to doing this before we were together, but I assumed he had stopped since we’ve been together (4 years).
I haven’t confronted him about it because I’m not sure how I feel about it. He’s not physically been with anyone else I’m certain of that. And the emails to the woman he’s asked the pictures from have been a bit flirty but that’s about it. I am upset about it, but I think that’s just because he’s always banging on about money, yet has money to buy these pictures. Also, all the woman are blonde, and I’m not.
part of me wants to go in all guns blazing and kick him out, but then the other part of me is wondering if this is any different to watching porn? Or getting pictures off of Only Fans?
but then I don’t want to be walked all over and for him to keep doing it as it doesn’t make me feel nice. But then I don’t think I’m willing to break up an otherwise happy relationship over it. I’m going round in circles.

If it’s something he’s hiding from you then yes it’s cheating , anything you do or he does that you don’t want your partner to know or find out about is cheating in my eyes ,porn I can deal with but if my OH was buying explicit pics of another woman I would lose my mind and he would lose my trust

Not cheating, but what a tragic, seedy, pathetic little twerp. I wouldn’t be able to look at him, my opinion would be so low.

It falls into neither category for me. It’s not just porn, but it doesn’t feel like cheating. But it would be game over for me.

It's a slippery slope isn't it. So much is available online free I'd wonder why he feels the need to have the flirty contact and the payment. I'd wonder what else he was doing sexting wise that you haven't stumbled across.

So you would be OK with him watching women being abused, exploited and violated in porn? Or spending money on the Only Fans sex workers? But buying pictures of women on ebay to masturbate to is what you find unacceptable?
He wants to get sexual gratification from other women. That doesn't sound like a monogamous and respectful relationship.

I'd generally agree with the previous response in that anything you have to lie about or hide from your partner is cheating.

However this does lack the emotional connection that makes cheating so hurtful. It's really grim though, disrespectful and a stupid waste of money.

Thank you, yes that’s how I feel, I feel like I can no longer trust him because of it. And now, when ever he’s on his phone I’m thinking “is he emailing some woman”. I don’t want to live like that. So I guess I have to ask myself if it’s something I can move on from. If it’s not then it’s going to have to be game over.

Yep can’t bare to look at him. He’s nearly 50, I just look at him now and think Ergh dirty old man. Again, I have to ask myself if it’s something I could get over, and to not see him like that anymore. If not, then it over

OP, has he treated you and your relationship with respect?
Has he been loyal?
Has he behaved decently?
Is that the kind of man you want to entrust your life to?

I’m not sure it matters if he’s inserted bits of him inside anyone else.

Absolutely, wouldn’t be with him otherwise, he’s a complete gentleman……. Or at least I thought he was. Now I can’t bare to look at him.

Ewww🤮 this would turn me right off! But I have a low tolerance of men that do perby stuff and it would be it for me.

Just gross. Presumably he didn't happily tell you about his purchases because he knows it's incredibly seedy (at best).

This. I couldn’t look at a sleazy creepy grubby desperate little sad sack like him let alone sleep with him. I imagine him knocking one looking at these photos.
Absolutely grim and sad as fuck

I would not be able to trust him again and would suspect worse to be going on like visiting sex workers. You deserve much, much better.

I would lose all respect for him so the relationship would be over.

Flirty messages, paying for explicit photos, 'always banging on about money'.

He sounds like a seedy old whinger.

Just end the relationship and leave him to his fantasies.

It's nasty and demeaning to you, that's enough really. If there is no good reason holding you together I would dump him. He has some unpleasant interests at best.

Jeez have some standards!!! Kick him out!

With something like this, I would always wonder what else is he doing that you do not know about because something like this hides a bigger issue most of the time, and issue you may not come to know off till you start digging or after the relationship is over. Gambling, sex workers and unhinged views of women is a red flag, and these things go hand in hand.

For me cheating is the least of your worry here, its how he clearly sees women, and that is a red flag. Only you know what you will tolerate from someone. I would say raise the bar, and dont let his explanation (he will tell you a version he knows will fit with how he knows you want to see him, and how he can keep you in this relationship, not the truth), that is if you confront him, and no this knowledge will stay with you, and I am afraid whatever reason he may come up with will be something you will always look at with a side eye

If you've only been together 4yrs are you financially independent, obviously no kids or combined finances?

What is stopping you from ending it, does he have any redeeming qualities?

It isn’t demeaning to op at all. Disrespectful yes, but his behaviour is nothing to do with op, she hasn’t been perving over strangers online, it’s him.
And yes op, it’s grim. Especially since you describe him as a “complete gentleman”. This absolutely doesn’t fit with who you thought he was, and that is a problem.
Genuinely op, would he be ok with you contacting some random man on line and asking for pictures of his cock? I utterly guarantee the answer to that is a big, fat NO.
So, different rules for you and him and you have the ick.
Only you can decide what to do but I imagine it will be difficult for you to regain any respect for him.

"Genuinely op, would he be ok with you contacting some random man on line and asking for pictures of his cock? "

This is the heart of it. You get the impression from the OP that he'd complain about the money spent too.

You don’t think you want to break up a so called happy relationship with a middle aged perv who sends flirty messages to women online and posts for them to send him wank fodder gash pics presumably of them masterbating. And I bet my mortgage they’re significantly younger as well.

And you really think you want to get past this and crack on with this sleaze bucket?

Come on OP raise that bar.

Thank you all for your thoughts, to be honest it’s nothing I haven’t thought of since I found out.
ive decided im going to tell him what i know. Can’t keep walking round with this anger inside of me. He needs to know what an absolute sleeze I think he is.