Ex husband

[Em1988x]

After almost a year separated and trying to navigate a healthy co parenting relationship, I just don’t know where to go from here and what boundaries should be in place to ensure my kids are happy. We get along majority of the time, however he has a short fuse sometimes. Take last night for example, went out the 4 of us (dd9 and ds turned 12 yesterday) had a great fun night and he brought us McDonald’s back to mine because needed to get home for kids to go toilet 🤣 sat eating it and then dd started taking pics of him eating saying it’s just a fun one and won’t post it. But when she didn’t stop he lost his cool and shouted aggressively at her, grabbed the mobile and threw it against the wall. Obviously this caused her to run off scared and crying so I comforted her and told him to go, ds came upstairs shortly after as didn’t want to be around his dad and looked sad. I wanted it to be a lovely day for him and turned to shit. I did speak to dd after to explain that when someone says no and to stop she needs to listen! However it doesn’t excuse the behaviour of ripping her phone out of her hand and throwing it.

she now doesn’t want to see him today and doubt ds will. Because I chose the break up, I always feel guilty that this is my doing. However. He did have moments like this when we were together.

what should I do?

This

I think you need to keep the boundaries clear for the kids primarily. They need to spend their time with their dad alone, not with you present and vice versa.
You say you instigated the separation. You're also mixing the signals for your ex by still trying to pretend to be a family unit.
Your exes behaviour is not excused at all and he is responsible for sorting this out. Its up to you to determine if you feel comfortable him having them alone.

You excused his terrible behaviour and made out to a child that they were in the wrong. I would not do this. You can’t play families with this man. It has to stop.

He was 100% wrong in how he handled it and I wouldn't be having him around again. Like others have said, you separated for a reason. I understand you want the children to have family time with you all together but unfortunately it doesn't sound like thats a healthy way forward for any of you. From now on keep communication to a minimum and only about the children.

On a side note, if I was eating and someone kept taking photos of me even after I told them repeatedly to stop, I'd be annoyed too. I wouldn't smash the phone (thats over the top) but you really need to teach your 9yr old some manners. Its not cute. Also no 9yr old should not have snap chat, I dont care what measures you take.

Divorce

I appreciate it’s not the point but why does your 9 year old have a mobile she can post pictures from?

I'm not concentrating on this .

In my first post I said there is no way her behaviour excuses his reaction and I agreed with a pp that OP should not have him in the home and should only have minimum contact with him that is strictly necessary.

I am only talking about the child 's behaviour because i have been pulled up by other posters when I said i hoped she would take heed of OP's talk to her about consent. Of course domestic abuse is totally inexcusable but ignoring ithe childs ssues regarding consent has potential for real harm .

From ex hubbys response he was worried about it being posted online & his new woman seeing it.

why are you acting like you are still together though? The children must be so confused. You need to not carry on like before you separated.

that being said if ex hubby is aggressive like this a lot in front of the children maybe he needa supervised visit. Unless you are still living together. I hope its not that messy.

2 issues his reaction and your daughters behaviour
you need to address both she seems to be getting a free pass in all this she’s old enough to to know better

You sound like a wonderful mum and you are doing a fantastic job. The reality is many kids have imperfect parents. You gave them the opportunity to have a fun day with their dad and stepped in when he kicked off and modelled clear boundaries. I'd go down the tack of 'Dad loves you but when he becomes angry, he sometimes behaves in unacceptable ways like yesterday. That isn't your fault or my fault, it is Dad's responsibility to learn to express his anger in safe ways.' If you are speaking to him I would use the same simple message with him 'I know you love the kids & they had a ball with you, but they were scared when you threw the phone. I will always step in when they are scared but I am worried it will impact their relationship with you.' All kids need in life is one stable, safe attachment to do well and you are giving them that. Have a think about what works for all four of you over the next few years. Your kids will grow fast and will decide themselves what kind of relationship they want - but you are a fantastic parent and role model

The relationship that your ex partner builds with his own children is not your responsibility.
He sounds volatile and unpleasant, I certainly wouldn’t be sending my scared children off to spend time with him until he apologises and offers some behaviour changes.

It sounds like you are still attached to your ex. You can co parent perfectly well living separate lives and still communicate about your kids needs to be aligned. Stop trying to manage him and spend time together. It achieves so little and confuses and hurts everyone. I’m sorry you had a special time spoilt by his temper.

WOW his behaviour is very aggressive. You were right to break up with him. However it’s only been a year and you’re potentially confusing the kids, especially if he usually has erratic behaviour like this? Be there safe space.

You took your DD away and effectively told her no means no, fine. Did you also tell her that her own dads behaviour is wildly disproportionate and completely abnormal so she doesn’t think this is normal behaviour in a relationship?

Genuinely why has a 9 year old got a phone and on social media posting anything anyway? She isn’t mature enough for a phone and all the implications, evidenced entirely by this whole scenario.

You say you wanted to have a family day….reality is you are no longer a family of 4. As in you are not one family unit. Blurring the lines is confusing for all and especially the children. The children’s reality is that their mum and dad are no longer together but mummy and daddy love them both. Time spent with mum and time spent with dad. And a set routine and schedule needs to be in place and stuck to by both parties.

As for ex’s behaviour throwing a phone is unacceptable but then again what your daughter was doing is also so. It sounds like it was a build up to the snatching of the phone and throwing it not sudden outburst from your ex. It sounds like he asked and asked and then snatched. And 9 years old they should know better and should listen to others especially their parent. If your child is now refusing to see their dad that tells me they don’t actually see that their behaviour was unacceptable and it was the reason for the outburst. Also I hope your child also understands that how their dad handled the situation towards the end is also unacceptable x

You should stop inviting your ex into the house and playing happy families in front of the kids and allowing his dysfunctional bs of throwing things to play out in front of the kids.

It very rarely works to all be able to go out still as a family. You need to stop doing that until sufficient time has passed

She also needs to teach her daughter that no means no and that taking photos of someone eating when you have been repeatedly asked not to, is rude and unacceptable

Stop blurring the lines. If you ar co parenting then let him do his thing at his time and you do yours, HOWEVER his behaviour is unnaceptable and i wouldnt allow that around my children
Seperately, your dd at 9 is not emotionally mature enough to have a smart phone. Until she understands consent I would take the phone away.

For sure !
Don’t have the man in your home . Ever
That’s the kids safe place .
He takes the kids himself and if he does that again or anything like it , they won’t be back .
In a court the 12 year old wouldn’t be made to and tbh it’s getting close to the 9 year old being allowed a voice too.

Do you think he was scared someone ( a women ) would see the pictures ? @Em1988x

Why do you allow mobile phones whilst eating?

She has clearly had that conversation.. Little kids make mistakes, it is part of growing up. Mum and kids are doing great. Dads behaviour is unacceptable and unsafe.

I did not say that his behaviour was acceptable. I said that the daughters was equally not acceptable

It's not equally.

The child is 9yrs old. Was just being annoying and perhaps needed to be sent to her room.

Full grown adult losing control and having a scary violent mantrum is far far worse.

Hold adult men to higher standards.

Oh get over yourself.

Thank you so much for this. I do feel like I’m their safe space and they tell me everything and very open from what I am aware of. This was lovely to hear thank you