Ex husband

[Em1988x]

After almost a year separated and trying to navigate a healthy co parenting relationship, I just don’t know where to go from here and what boundaries should be in place to ensure my kids are happy. We get along majority of the time, however he has a short fuse sometimes. Take last night for example, went out the 4 of us (dd9 and ds turned 12 yesterday) had a great fun night and he brought us McDonald’s back to mine because needed to get home for kids to go toilet 🤣 sat eating it and then dd started taking pics of him eating saying it’s just a fun one and won’t post it. But when she didn’t stop he lost his cool and shouted aggressively at her, grabbed the mobile and threw it against the wall. Obviously this caused her to run off scared and crying so I comforted her and told him to go, ds came upstairs shortly after as didn’t want to be around his dad and looked sad. I wanted it to be a lovely day for him and turned to shit. I did speak to dd after to explain that when someone says no and to stop she needs to listen! However it doesn’t excuse the behaviour of ripping her phone out of her hand and throwing it.

she now doesn’t want to see him today and doubt ds will. Because I chose the break up, I always feel guilty that this is my doing. However. He did have moments like this when we were together.

what should I do?

I think you need to stop blurring the lines for the children. To be honest it doesn’t sound a healthy way of parenting. You separated for a reason so stay serrated and stop feeling guilty. Stop inviting your ex and spend your time alone with your children. He can do the same.

Well I think the onus is 100% on your ex behaviour to be honest. That is not normal or acceptable and he clearly has anger management issues. That’s his problem to sort not your daughter to modify her behaviour !

stop having him over to yours, stop going out as a family still and if she doesn’t want to go don’t force her.

what’s he doing about his anger issues ?

It's his fault the kids don't want to see him today, not yours.

I wouldn't make them go today and I wouldn't have him in my house again.

I wouldn’t want to see him either, and because your kids are kids it doesn’t erode their will and wishes. Going forward your home needs to be a safe space for them so I wouldn’t have him over my threshold. Privilege expired

I'd be concerned about your children spending time alone with someone who has such a volatile temper. He's scaring his children and that is not okay. Don't make them go with him if they don't want to. Tell him that this is a consequence of his behaviour - his children don't want to spend time with him.

Of course he shouldn't have grabbed the phone and thrown it but I will say if someone took photos of me and wouldn't stop as your DD did I would have become extremely distressed. I would have had to take myself out of the room and possibly the house because I seriously hate having my photo taken. I think your DD's behaviour was extremely concerning. I hope she takes on board your discussion with her about consent.

Otherwise I agree with @Applecup

All of the above

But also, they have toilets in McDonald's...

@Farewelltothatid Extremely distressed about your own child taking photos of you and trying to wind you up? Fgs get a grip!

Yes it would extremely distress me to have some one taking photos of me, whoever it was, even if it was my own child.

From what OP said he was ok with the initial photo. I wouldn't have even been ok with that. And she obviously didnt give a damn about his feelings when she continued to take photos even though she was asked to stop and he was trying to eat.

I think it's a really serious issue if the child thinks it's ok to go round taking photos of people without their consent.

And I don't know what you mean by winding up. I don't recognise her actions with the camera as anything other than being seriously annoying and seriously disobedient bad behaviour

So he’s fine to kick off and throw a phone?

If he’d left because dd wouldn’t stop taking pics then that would have ruined the day too. I’m not saying what he did was right btw but maybe this is a chance to re-evaluate if a 9 year old should own a phone. FWIW I would have taken her phone off her and deleted the pics. She made a reference to not posting the pics- what social media does a 9 year old have?

As pp said, stop blurring the lines and inviting ex round. It doesn’t change the past or the reality that there was a good reason for the break up. Spending time with an angry parent isn’t better than not spending time with that parent. You risk normalising walking on eggshells round abusive people and them not walking away if they find themselves with an abusive person in future,

It’s his fault that the kids won’t see him today.

What should you do?

Stop letting an aggressive, violent prick into your home & special times with your kids.
Remind your daughter about consent, that no means no, and tormenting people is unkind.

Sit down with them today and say you're sorry the treat was ruined, and dad won't be invited to your special occasions again.

If they don't want to see dad today, tell them that's totally understandable & tell your ex his behaviour scared the kids and they don't want to be alone with him at the minute. He needs to apologise and take responsibility for his actions & do better.

Reflect on why you feel guilty, rather than allowing your ex to be responsible for his own actions (did you used to try & manage situations to prevent him getting angry when you were together?). That time has passed & your focus is yours and your children's wellbeing.

Obviously he overreacted. I don't think there's anything that you can do. If your ex can't manage to apologise and repair his relationship with his DD then I'm not sure you can fix it for him.

Where would a 12 yo be "posting photos" to anyway, especially of people who've enthusiastically disconsented?

Yes all the time I would try manage the situation to make things easier on him, do less and especially be the go between him and dd because they are very similar and she can wind him up and cause him to get angry. I feel guilty because I chose this and even though he’s moved on and is happy, I guess I still wanted that nice family birthday for our ds

Just to say, she has snap chat but only has close friends and family on it and is monitored on mine at all times. She likes to post ‘fun pics’ with filters so that’s what she was doing but she said she was going to just save it to her pics.

Did he have violent outbursts like this previously or is this new behaviour?

You need to stop spending time together as a 4, it’s confusing for your children.

You can't make an arsehole not an arsehole.

I think you should think about your language here: she can wind him up and cause him to get angry It's an extension of that classic abuser line that "she made me do it".

She's a 9 yr old. He's a grown man. It is ALL on him to manage his emotions. He's not the little kid here. You're basically, unconsciously, giving her more responsibility for the situation than him.

It's not your fault, I think living with an angry man teaches you to manage him and to try to smooth his path.

But he's the problem. A decent man doesn't get "wound up" by a 9 yr old so much that he gets violent.

There is nothing wrong with spending time together as a family but he should apologise for throwing her phone (you said you spoke to her already about respecting peoples boundaries too when they say no).

he should be modelling good behaviour not aggression and I don’t blame her for not wanting to see him. The problem is his temper and children shouldn’t grow up around that

He’s lost his temper yes, but nothing like this with the kids. He has done with me but when he was drinking. Yes, I explained to her that No is a complete sentence and when someone says no she does need to listen to that but also said it didn’t make it right what he did and no way should she tolerate it and think it’s normal especially if she finds herself with a partner and they do that.

I do know that as a sane person, he could have asked her for the phone and been a lot calmer or even took it but not throw it. It was a level of aggression that I was shocked by considering we were all having a nice time

You need to contact him today and make it clear that how he reacted wasn’t ok and he needs to reach out to both of his children and apologise until he’s blue in the face.

be the go between him and dd because they are very similar and she can wind him up and cause him to get angry.

This is some very disturbing phrasing. Your violent abusive prick of an ex’s behaviour is not ‘caused’ by your nine year old daughter.

Stop placating this idiot and playing happy families. Or you’ll end up with a daughter who thinks that’s what one does for angry men and a son who thinks it’s alright to be one.

You separated for a reason and through guilt and also fear of ex’s temper you are spending family times all together. You’re blurring the lines and as far as your DC are concerned it’s as though you and ex are still a couple but living apart.
Unfortunately if you can’t trust your ex to control his emotions and scaring your DC then you need supervised visits at a contact centre.

This is an act of abuse and should be taken very seriously. It is not your fault or your child’s.

Physical abuse
Physical abuse is any violence or intentional and unwanted contact with someone’s body. Examples of physical abuse are:

• Scratching, punching, biting, strangling or kicking
• Throwing something such as a phone, book, shoe or plate

It's wild that this is the part you are focusing on ,not the domestic abuse and violence infront of children