The burnt haystack method

[Haystackhunting]

I have been implementing the haystack method where we literally do not allow our boundaries to be infiltrated. We stick to our standards.
As a result of which there appears to be absolutely fuck all left on the shelf.
So maybe I’m wondering if I’m being a little harsh. I’m starting to doubt myself
Latest one, we go straight away for a drink because I think there’s no point in messaging back back-and-forth once you’ve established that the circumstances align, it’s then about chemistry and looking for red flags
We have a drink. It’s very nice.
I fancy him a bit from what I can see and what I know feelings appear to be mutual
So then last night he phoned me up and he starts telling me about somebody else who is in my profession that he dated.
Apparently, couldn’t get a word in edgeways with this woman and he wasn’t allowed an opinion or an opinion that she didn’t agree with. And was quite angry.
The subject then somehow crept onto politics and he proceeded to angrily not shouted but certainly was extremely passionate, told me that I should never speak to him about politics because he’s intelligent and he’s educated on the subject. Seemed to be implying that he’d wipe the floor with me.
No, I couldn’t give a flying You know what about politics if I’m honest as long as he’s not a reform voter. Which he didn’t confirm or deny.
But I’ve properly got the ick
Is it just me?

Yeah, next!

To be absolutely honest, most posts I see here advocating for the burnt haystack method are from posters who are still single. I think the method is based around hostility to men as a category and the assumption that most men are not worth dating, and I'm not sure that's a healthy starting point for forming a relationship with a man.

This guy sounds like a complete idiot though!

Why should women lower their standards just so other people don't judge them for still being single?

This doesn't sound like a method, it just sounds sensible.

Or any one at all

Not familiar with the burn haystack method, but I’d imagine there’s some middle ground between the ‘method’, perhaps being open to things that don’t meet strict criteria, and forcing yourself to go out with a man who is clearly unpleasant and waving red flags at you. Encountering the latter should not make your question your entire approach to dating!

I think it depends what your non negotiables are. If you are discounting people based on eg interests, height, salary etc you probably will miss out on someone you might have hit it off with. OTOH having a “no pompous dickheads” rule sounds very sensible.

Trouble with setting so many boundaries is that you rule out pretty much everyone. Of course we all have SOME that are red lines - for me smoking would be one, having very young kids another and there are some others. But while I have a lot of ideals/preferences they are just that. Its the person that counts.

I would prefer someone with similar income, upbringing and morals to me. Would prefer kids who are similar to mine, that we think on similar wavelengths etc... But I have dated people that didnt always fit those and it was fine. Current relationship ticks a lot of boxes (for me the important emotional ones) but less of the physical ones and things like going to the pub. But I know if I found someone who did have those, they would probably be lacking in others.

So for me if you have two or 3 red lines thats fine. If you have 10 'preferences', as long as they tick 7 or 8 then not an issue.

‘Burnt haystack’? What a load of old guff. I would run a mile from anyone that uses therapy language in real life.

Anyway, you sound deeply incompatible. So throw this one back. What happened to people experiencing things naturally rather than analysing everything through frameworks?

This guy has two of the three most toxic rhetorical patterns on BH. He's directive/disciplinary - "told me that I should never speak to him about politics". That means he thinks he can boss women around. And he's got the I'm a Prize attitude, which means he'll be insufferable.

I'm betting the woman he dated wiped the floor with him verbally in a discussion about politics 😂😂😂 That's why he's so angry and trying to shut you down before you've even started talking about politics - you might wipe the floor with him too 😂😂😂

And he's a Reform voter.

Steer clear of this guy.

My non-negotiables are taller than me which 5 foot eight is more of a challenge than you might think
Has a job
Has their own place but bear in mind I’m 51 that really shouldn’t be insurmountable
And doesn’t have children aged below Primary School because again if they’re in that zone, they’re too young for me, and if they’re in my age band and they’ve got little children, well they’ve really fucked it haven’t they?

Those would all be my non negotiables too. Having said that, my lovely husband at 5’9, is barely an inch taller than me. It bothers him more than it does me. But I’d want any kids to be uni age at least.

"What happened to people experiencing things naturally rather than analysing everything through frameworks?"

First, women are acculturated to NOT listen to their gut, especially about men. In fact, we're trained to pretzel ourselves into endlessly giving men the benefit of the doubt. That's why there are so many posts here by female OPs who are being treated like utter shit by their male partner, where the OP inevitably tries to blame HERself for his shit behaviour. So we can't rely on our gut instincts, because they've been crushed down by our socialisation.

Second, it's literally dangerous to date nowadays, because most of it is OLD. There's no one verifying who these men are or whether they are anything they say they are. Any predator can put his profile up. It's hugely difficult to successfully prosecute sexual assault, especially in a dating context. So often these guys get away with it again and again and again. For women, OLD is swimming without any protection in a sea full of dangerous predators.

There's also a LOT of cheaters, liars, pornified creeps, and tricksters out there who waste women's time and seriously damage their emotional and mental health when they fall for the lies for a while.

Women have to protect themselves. BH helps them use their logic and analytical skills to see the "thin sliver" of what these guys really are (which they're trying to hide) by analysing their OLD profiles and texts. It also helps women identify the men who are decent human beings who could be a real match, which is why they're on OLD in the first place.

I think it's a good method that could help women protect themselves while they look for a partner to share their life with.

It isn’t ‘therapy language’ 😂

He sounds like a massive bellend.

Unfortunately, there a lot of those around. I’m not dating, so I’m not using the method but I am in the facebook group.

I tend to think lots of it is very important considering how many women are inclined to ignore their gut feelings about something. I think in those circumstances it could be validating to realise you CAN trust your own instincts.

Let’s not forget that gendered based violence and domestic abuse in relationships is absolutely rife. I am sure someone will be along to call me a manhater but the data speaks for itself and it’s dishonest to claim otherwise.

They are single because they're dating?

Yes, but you'd expect at least some success stories from women who found a partner using this method. Maybe I'm not on the threads enough but I rarely see anyone for whom burnt haystack has been a good thing, and I think that's because it encourages a suspicious, judgemental outlook that good men can sense a mile off

On the BH FB, there are lots of "I found my needle!" posts.

And people aren't going to post here about BH if they successfully found a partner using it, because they're happy and focusing on their relationship.

Isn’t the burnt haystack method just what you would ordinarily do? You have a list of criteria and if someone doesn’t meet them then it is a ‘no’, or am I missing something?

Ditch him and use the Burned Haystack method. The Burned Haystack dating method, created by Dr. Jennie Young, is a strategy for online dating that emphasizes "blocking to burn" (aggressively filtering) suitors who do not meet strict, high-value standards. By using rhetorical analysis to scan profiles and messages for red flags, users treat dating apps as tools for filtering, rather than a game to be played, aiming to save time and emotional energy to find a "needle" (committed partner). The book is available for pre-order on Amazon for only £19.85.

You make it sound like MLM! :)

It's really just a method for screening out creeps on the basis of what they unwittingly reveal on their profiles, texts etc. A lot of women like it because it makes them feel a bit safer, a bit more in control.

The book is NOT necessary, although I am sure it will be readable and funny and will summarise the whole thing. The basis of the method and all the rhetorical patterns and a lot of the discussions around them are fully available on BH Instagram.

Yes, this filtering is important, but the BH dating method adds to that. It is (1) identifying rhetorical patterns that signal a misogynistic, toxic, or insufferable mindset, and (2) also blocking (not just swiping left) when you encounter these patterns. The rhetorical patterns are based on academic work by the founder, who teaches in and is Vice Dean of a US university. The blocking approach is based on what she figured out from her own OLD experiences.

I work with a bloke that’s turned 60, going through his second divorce. Two kids aged 5 & 7!

proper fucked it up! Genuinely thinks the school gate mums are going to be fighting over him.

No idea what that ‘method’ is but his negative comments about an ex with your profession (badmouthing an ex and indirectly disparaging / warning you to behave a certain way) and boasting of his knowledge of political matters would be enough to put me off him too! Avoid.

No idea what this so-called method is, but I’m ruthless with people in all aspects of my life. Boundaries serve me very well. I don’t have any toxic friends or family (cut them all off) and I have a very happy, successful marriage with Dh who I’ve been with for coming up to near 20 years with no faff or drama.

If you’re looking for dating strategy though, I’d be weeding more of them out before you go to the trouble of meeting. When I was online dating (back in the dark ages!), I maybe went on a date with about 5% of them. The vast majority were weirdos or losers or right wingers or just boring as hell. It meant little wasted time and effort. I met Dh the good old fashioned way though - drinking cheap wine in a dodgy pub - so can’t say it was successful in that sense.