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Relationships

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Is there something going on here…

86 replies

Ellabootoo · 19/03/2026 22:15

I’m a PhD student with a male supervisor (not main supervisor). I’ve noticed recently that he keeps staring at me everytime he walks past my desk. He seems to be walking past my desk more frequently too, sometime walking by slowly and looking at me. We make eye contact a lot. He has approached me to simply ask “if you ever wanna chat we can always go for a coffee” I brushed him off a bit saying that I’m still early in my project and I don’t really have anything to update him on, as I assumed he meant he wanted a project update. However, he said I don’t have to have much to update but that if I just wanted to chat we could. He has then asked the same thing again on a different occasion. I emailed him recently to arrange a catch up about my project, which he agreed to. The email was typical of a supervisor/student, “hey, would you be available for a catch up next week?” although this was our first meeting as I have only recently started.

One week after arranging this meeting, I was having lunch by myself and he walks in, looks at me for a moment, but with his eyes kind of narrowed like he’s thinking about something as he’s looking at me, I say hello, he does an awkward wave, waving his hand down by his side but doesn’t say hi. I think there may have been one other person in the lunch room. He gets a drink then heads back to the door. But before he leaves, he turns around and says “actually myname, I just wanted to ask if anything’s wrong, did something bad happen? I was taken aback and said no, I just wanted to give you an update on my project. He then seemed relieved and said he just wanted to know the “tone” of the meeting. Does this seem like an excuse to come up to me or was he checking to see if the meeting was to talk about something more personal?

It seems very strange and I haven’t had this type of interaction with any other supervisor. Surely he wouldn’t need to check the tone of our meeting, of course it’s about my project, he’s my supervisor?! , what else would it be about, and if it were something bad I would have mentioned in the email. During the meeting he brought a water bottle, and had his phone propped up on the water bottle, and on the screen was picture of who I assume was him and his wife. It was an incredibly odd thing to do. Since then, he’s been looking at me, there was a moment where we locked eyes for a few seconds, but it was really odd, and felt very intense to the point I had to look away. Because of the eye contact and looks when we met for the meeting it was definitely awkward to begin with, I think we both definitely feel there is some tension. Sometimes he’ll come into his work area which is behind mine and just potter around for a minute before leaving, and I’ll catch him looking at me.

Today he sent an email as I was on my way into work, saying: Hoping you could help me out with a quick favour... would you please be able to take out the orange bin in my lab bay area? manager says it needs taking out for a visit (I must have missed the other day) and I'm WFH today and have no one else I can ask... I'd really owe you one!

Sorry for the wall of text. I don’t have an interest in anything with this person, but for the sake of my career etc, I would like to know what, if anything is going on.

OP posts:
CocoaTea · 21/03/2026 14:31

ThreadneedleRoad · 21/03/2026 13:57

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta, you’re projecting like mad here, and clearly determined that this hapless sub-supervisor is ‘STARING relentlessly’ rather than just someone who didn’t get the memo about how ,many seconds constitutes acceptable eye contact. Absolutely none of his other behaviour suggests any sexual intent, or indeed any particular investment in the OP other than checking her work is going all right, rather the reverse.

I think I agree with this actually.

It reads like you are making a much bigger deal of this than it needs to be.

Unless I missed a very important post, he hasn’t actually done anything wrong to you other than make you “feel” uncomfortable.

However, feelings are not always facts.

If the eye contact is too much for you, just drop your gaze or look away.

You seem hyper aware of his actions and movements and behaviours - and you are being advised to report him by loads of posters but I cannot actually see what he has done wrong here.

Perhaps he is socially awkward but being reported to his supervisor for eye contact seems overkill to me.

If you feel a real gut instinct that makes you feel threatened, then I’d really suggest that you articulate that much more clearly before you make a potential mis-report that could affect someone’s
career.

Geneticsbunny · 21/03/2026 18:32

GoodThingsAlways · 21/03/2026 10:20

Not true, the UK now calls senior lecturers Assistant Profs in some institutions.

That blows my mind. I though prof was a title not a job description in the uk so how does that work?

jcfmover · 21/03/2026 19:34

I would nip this in the bud right away. Stop thinking about him. Stop looking at him - no prolonged eye contact. Stop looking to see what he is doing.
Mention your long-term partner a bit more in the lab. Put up a couple of photos of you with your partner on your desk.

I think you are making something out of this that isn't there and so far he has done nothing wrong that would be reportable.

You sound like me when I was doing my PhD. I ended up becoming a fixated on a senior lecturer (not my supervisor) and it started with noticing things like you are noticing and analysing interactions and so on. In the end we ended up having a sort of relationship (no sex) which went on for 3 years - we went everywhere together, went on holidays, hung around each other's places etc. It was a bit of a scandal in the university.
He was actually gay(!) but at that time there were no openly gay lecturers in the university I was at, or at a lot of other universities either. He totally used my fixation on him to deflect attention from the fact he was gay and having flings with random men in the next big city. I didn't realize all of this until later, or maybe I did but just didn't want to accept it and couldn't end things.
It all ended up in a massive mess. I had a breakdown and couldn't complete my PhD and had to change careers and while things have turned out ok, I do wonder where I would be if I hadn't let myself get fixated on him.

Mine might be an extreme story and I have never shared it before but your post really resonated with me and I wanted to warn you a bit. It really sounds exactly like how I used to think in my own head about "my" senior lecturer before the whole thing spiralled out of control.

KoalaBlue1 · 22/03/2026 11:21

Can you email him, And make it clear that the meeting is strictly professional, mention your partner. Not to embarrass him or yourself.
But to set it straight, it is work related only.
wishing you the best outcome.

Wickedlittledancer · 22/03/2026 11:40

KoalaBlue1 · 22/03/2026 11:21

Can you email him, And make it clear that the meeting is strictly professional, mention your partner. Not to embarrass him or yourself.
But to set it straight, it is work related only.
wishing you the best outcome.

Please don’t do this, it will make it a lot worse, it’s utterly cringe worthy and reveals your issues plain and clear.

Ellabootoo · 22/03/2026 11:50

Wickedlittledancer · 22/03/2026 11:40

Please don’t do this, it will make it a lot worse, it’s utterly cringe worthy and reveals your issues plain and clear.

Yeah I won’t do this. If this is normal behaviour then I’ll just carry on as normal and get on with my work. But that means continuing to feel uncomfortable and being stared at all the time, but apparently that’s fine?

OP posts:
Ellabootoo · 05/06/2026 07:41

**UPDATE: Hi everyone, unfortunately having to ask for more advice about this. Since my last post things kind of escalated. He has continued to state stare at me. I completely stopped looking at him as I didn’t want to egg him on, but then he started to seemingly walk past or near me deliberately and mumble something under his breath as he passed me. He did this twice and I couldn’t make out what he was saying but it seemed directed at me. I could kind of see him from my periphery and when he did this he would stare at me trying to get me to look at him (I didn’t).

He has huffed and sighed walking past my desk and lingered in the communal area near my desk as it faces my desk and he can see me from there.

A few days ago I was leaving the toilet (these are unisex toilets) he left another cubicle at the same time, I didn’t acknowledge him as I was leaving work. He followed me out and just as I was leaving he stopped me to ask if I wanted to work on an experiment with him for a paper he’s thinking of. He said he already spoke to my main supervisor about it. Now I’m really worried because I would have to work next to him at his bench, and it would just be us. Because he’s already mentioned this to my main supervisor she is on board and I can’t back out of it. I don’t really know what to do.

OP posts:
scoobysnaxx · 05/06/2026 09:50

You have a choice.
hes gone behind your back and discussed something with your supervisor. Say no.
i would consider reporting him if you feel his behaviour is escalating. Its making you uncomfortable, no matter what his intention is.
its giving stalker.

HHCrochetDiva · 05/06/2026 09:58

Of course you have a choice. You go to your main supervisor now and tell her that he has been behaving weird around you and cornered you coming out of the loos. Also his behaviour feels like he’s trying to railroad you, surely he should have asked first if you were interested in the project and then you clear it with your main supervisor not the other way round. Explain to her, she will understand. He’s being weird, it’s not on and you don’t have to accept it.

Ellabootoo · 05/06/2026 10:50

HHCrochetDiva · 05/06/2026 09:58

Of course you have a choice. You go to your main supervisor now and tell her that he has been behaving weird around you and cornered you coming out of the loos. Also his behaviour feels like he’s trying to railroad you, surely he should have asked first if you were interested in the project and then you clear it with your main supervisor not the other way round. Explain to her, she will understand. He’s being weird, it’s not on and you don’t have to accept it.

Yes, someone mentioned in my original post about speaking to my main supervisor and I thought it would sound so silly because he hasn’t actually done anything wrong, and he still technically hasn’t but I think I need to. The only thing with this is that when I first started my project I was supposed to work on something with him because it was his area of expertise. I wasn’t very interested in it and told my supervisor I’d rather not work on that. She was fine with it but now this is something different and if I refuse again she’s going to question why (because he wants to publish a paper and that’s all supervisors want to get more funding). I feel like I’m going to be the one who looks bad.

OP posts:
Ellabootoo · 05/06/2026 12:09

HHCrochetDiva · 05/06/2026 09:58

Of course you have a choice. You go to your main supervisor now and tell her that he has been behaving weird around you and cornered you coming out of the loos. Also his behaviour feels like he’s trying to railroad you, surely he should have asked first if you were interested in the project and then you clear it with your main supervisor not the other way round. Explain to her, she will understand. He’s being weird, it’s not on and you don’t have to accept it.

Yeah I think I need to speak with her. It did feel like I didn’t have a choice tbh. He asked if I wanted to work on the experiment together and before I could answer he just casually said he’s already mentioned it to X so that left me thinking it’s already settled

OP posts:
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