Is there something going on here…

[Ellabootoo]

I’m a PhD student with a male supervisor (not main supervisor). I’ve noticed recently that he keeps staring at me everytime he walks past my desk. He seems to be walking past my desk more frequently too, sometime walking by slowly and looking at me. We make eye contact a lot. He has approached me to simply ask “if you ever wanna chat we can always go for a coffee” I brushed him off a bit saying that I’m still early in my project and I don’t really have anything to update him on, as I assumed he meant he wanted a project update. However, he said I don’t have to have much to update but that if I just wanted to chat we could. He has then asked the same thing again on a different occasion. I emailed him recently to arrange a catch up about my project, which he agreed to. The email was typical of a supervisor/student, “hey, would you be available for a catch up next week?” although this was our first meeting as I have only recently started.

One week after arranging this meeting, I was having lunch by myself and he walks in, looks at me for a moment, but with his eyes kind of narrowed like he’s thinking about something as he’s looking at me, I say hello, he does an awkward wave, waving his hand down by his side but doesn’t say hi. I think there may have been one other person in the lunch room. He gets a drink then heads back to the door. But before he leaves, he turns around and says “actually myname, I just wanted to ask if anything’s wrong, did something bad happen? I was taken aback and said no, I just wanted to give you an update on my project. He then seemed relieved and said he just wanted to know the “tone” of the meeting. Does this seem like an excuse to come up to me or was he checking to see if the meeting was to talk about something more personal?

It seems very strange and I haven’t had this type of interaction with any other supervisor. Surely he wouldn’t need to check the tone of our meeting, of course it’s about my project, he’s my supervisor?! , what else would it be about, and if it were something bad I would have mentioned in the email. During the meeting he brought a water bottle, and had his phone propped up on the water bottle, and on the screen was picture of who I assume was him and his wife. It was an incredibly odd thing to do. Since then, he’s been looking at me, there was a moment where we locked eyes for a few seconds, but it was really odd, and felt very intense to the point I had to look away. Because of the eye contact and looks when we met for the meeting it was definitely awkward to begin with, I think we both definitely feel there is some tension. Sometimes he’ll come into his work area which is behind mine and just potter around for a minute before leaving, and I’ll catch him looking at me.

Today he sent an email as I was on my way into work, saying: Hoping you could help me out with a quick favour... would you please be able to take out the orange bin in my lab bay area? manager says it needs taking out for a visit (I must have missed the other day) and I'm WFH today and have no one else I can ask... I'd really owe you one!

Sorry for the wall of text. I don’t have an interest in anything with this person, but for the sake of my career etc, I would like to know what, if anything is going on.

Well, what exactly would you be ‘accusing’ him of? Asking you to empty his bin? Unusual patterns of eye contact? Nothing you’ve said suggests anything inappropriate from him, only that he seems mildly uncomfortable with you, which is perfectly possibly being fuelled by you being obviously uncomfortable around him, hence asking whether anything was wrong when you requested a meeting.

And respectfully, if you’re able to declare unilaterally that he behaves differently around you to the way he does with other lab colleagues, you’re spending way too much time monitoring his behaviour. Which is probably fuelling both your sense of awkwardness.

Because you’re not behaving oddly around your main supervisor!

How am I behaving oddly around him? He is not my main supervisor so we don’t interact as much but how I behave around him is how I behave around everyone else that I don’t need to interact with daily, but they don’t act like this and it’s not awkward because they don’t stare at me every time they walk past my desk or hover around the lab when I’m there.

You are monitoring his actions! In a lab with multiple people coming and going and at their work, you seem hyper-aware of everything he does and what he’s looking at. You’re a new supervisee of his. It’s perfectly normal for him to be looking at what you’re doing more than people who are not his supervisees, or to see if you wanted an informal chat about how things are going this early in your project. I’m in the humanities, but will certainly go for coffee with new PhD students for a chat that’s definitely not a formal termly meeting about their progress.

You are reading a lot into what is normal interactions,

my take is here he is uncomfortable round you and thinks you fancy him
you do fancy him and want him to fancy you, and that’s what you want people to tell you.

I’m glad that you think that I’m reading too much into it and that these are normal interactions, that’s literally what I’m trying to figure out! As I said before, he is married and I’m in a relationship, I don’t like him like that, and I worked hard to get to where I am and don’t want anyone ruining it for me. If he were to act like my main supervisor and supervisors I’ve had before, then I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable!

This is victim blaming and telling OP she should ignore her discomfort. Women get enough of that shit in this world. Women being told to second guess themself by misogynistic men and women is why men get away with horrendous behaviour against women and children.

This bullshit is also why my lecherous perve supervisor got away with feeling up, groping, and making lewd sexual comments to me, my colleague, and - now looking back - probably all of the young women in my lab (all his staff and students were young women btw - we were called "Michael's harem" 🤢🤢🤢). I didn't even know that my colleague had gotten the same treatment from him. I didn't tell anyone because I knew he was too powerful and that I would suffer if I made a stink. My colleague was the same. It was only a decade later that women in his lab dared to talk to each other about his foul behaviour and banded together to report him.

OP, I believe you. Listen to your gut. This guy's behaviour is odd and you feel uncomfortable with him. Talk to your supervisor: tell her you're not sure what is going on, but his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable and you would like her advice about it.

You appear to be projecting, I’m sorry that happened to you but a balanced response is required and right now she is not a victim,

And for those of you who don't work in this area: sexual harassment is RIFE in academia:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK519457/
"In the best meta-analysis to date on sexual harassment prevalence, Ilies and colleagues (2003) reveal that 58 percent of female academic faculty and staff experienced sexual harassment... Rosenthal, Smidt, and Freyd (2016) documented that this pattern—gender harassment being far more prevalent that other types of sexual harassment—persists today. Their focus was the experiences of graduate students, who in many ways function as university employees. Their research found that “the majority of harassment experiences involved sexist or sexually offensive language, gestures, or pictures (59.1%), with 6.4% involving unwanted sexual attention, 4.7% involving unwanted touching, and 3.5% involving subtle or explicit bribes or threats” (370)."

Science is hard enough without having to also endure this dreadful dispiriting, humiliating, and frightening behaviour. So many women - including me - have left lab science because of it.

You're not listening to her. Why is that?

But there’s no victim here to blame! This guy has literally done nothing wrong other than seem mildly awkward around the OP in an open lab. He hasn’t propositioned her, made sexual remarks, touched her, asked her out, remarked on her appearance, used his position to discomfit her, bribe or threaten her, subjected her to sexist language or images.

To suggest that what he’s ‘doing’ constitutes reportable sexual harassment is an insult to people dealing with the stuff @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta lists in her post.

There’s literally nothing to listen to?

I don’t know why but this read to me like… almost like you’ve got a noticeable birthmark on your face and he’s staring at it… that sort of awkward vibe?
It isn’t reading like either of you have attraction or feelings towards the other.
I was being stared at like this by a man at work once, turns out he was staring at the scratches all over my arm from my cat and he thought I was self-harming and he didn’t know what to say.

The next time you catch him looking, couldn’t you say “is everything okay Bob?”, and just see how he responds?

He is staring at her and not looking away. That's aggressive.

I wouldn't like anyone doing that to me, but especially not my supervisor.

She feels uncomfortable.

That's enough.

She's not reporting sexual harassment, she is going to her supervisor to ask for advice. If the supervisor thinks it's harassment, she'll escalate it as needed. If not, then she'll probably have a quiet word with the bloke so that he can modify his behaviour - which includes not STARING relentlessly at OP.

She says he looks at her when passing her desk and he passes her desk/bench a lot, then she says his is just behind hers. Then she says ‘We make eye contact a lot’. Nothing she has described suggests ‘aggressive’ eye contact. Nothing untoward happened at their meeting or when they were alone at lunch.

A perfectly plausible explanation is that their discomfort is fuelling each other’s discomfort, as suggested by his response to the OP asking for a meeting, when he assumed something was wrong. He is mildly awkward, and/or the OP is, and now each one of them is wondering why the other one is being weird.

He’s done nothing wrong, and there’s no evidence he’s sexually harassing her, or intending to.

You’re exaggerating. He’s never ‘STARED relentlessly’ at the OP.

"I haven’t been staring at him at all, I catch him staring at me and he doesn’t look away which makes it awkward. He doesn’t come across as socially awkward when he is interacting with other lab members"

Sitting at my desk, I feel eyes on me and I look up, he’s looking at me walking past, we make eye contact and I’ll look away. This happens maybe 3/4 times a day. After the meeting we had, the next day when I looked up he was looking at me but didn’t look away so it was weird eye contact for a few seconds

I agree with those saying that he’s done nothing wrong. His behaviour is weird to me and I’m uncomfortable. Other supervisors, including my main one have to walk past my desk, she doesn’t even glance over.

It's OK to nip this in the bud with a quiet talk with your main supervisor. If he's not doing anything malign, then it will help break the tension for you both. If he IS trying something on, he'll know that you won't stand for it.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta, you’re projecting like mad here, and clearly determined that this hapless sub-supervisor is ‘STARING relentlessly’ rather than just someone who didn’t get the memo about how ,many seconds constitutes acceptable eye contact. Absolutely none of his other behaviour suggests any sexual intent, or indeed any particular investment in the OP other than checking her work is going all right, rather the reverse.

He thinks you fancy him - why else would he display his phone with the photo of himself and his wife in such a way? He is trying to gauge where he stands with you.

I would behave purposefully as cold as possible towards him from now on. Avoid any eye contact unless strictly necessary. If he walks past your desk, don't look up if you can, avoid acknowledging him.

Make it clear that there is no possibility that you are interested in him. And do not empty the bin from now on - you don't want him owing you any favours!

You seem oddly determined to discount OP's discomfort and concern for some reason.

She shouldn't have to put up with his weird behaviour.

In any case, OP, see what your main supervisor says. I am still in science (just not in the lab) and have been encouraged by the way abusive lab heads, sexual harassment, and lab conflicts are being dealt with now. In the past, labs were like fiefdoms and students were like serfs, and there was no recourse if you were abused. Systems are now in place that will help resolve this issue BEFORE it starts to affect your PhD.

Good luck with your studies, I wish you many publications :)

Yeah, it's always uncomfortable when someone crosses the boundaries into what's not socially acceptable, like peering too long. I think people like this like the power of getting a reaction from the recipient, even if, or because it is, negative.

Can you change the way you sit so your back is to his path? Can you put some barrier on your desk where your face isn't as visible? You could try differences in your behavior, such as not looking at him at all while he walks by. Or you could keep staring at him and not look away with a deadpan face. Or you could say something like, "You're looking at me so intently. Do you have a question?"

Start documenting dates and times and what is said or done, even if you never end up using it.

It doesn't sound like you two are buddies nor have friendly chats about your personal lives. So make sure that continues and just be a gray rock/boring unless of course topics about work are being discussed.