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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What does this sound like?

30 replies

electra · 17/06/2008 23:03

I have been seeing a guy who recently has started to squeeze me really hard repeatedly - it's almost like a kind of ritual and it hurts my ribs and he squeezes all the air out of me. Everyone I know says get the hell out of there. Why would someone do this?

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 17/06/2008 23:04

squeeze?
in what way?
a hug?

Tinker · 17/06/2008 23:05

Why? Have you told him to stop it?

LuckySalem · 17/06/2008 23:05

This is going to sound wrong but is it during sex? I think some people get a thrill out of being without air at the point of orgasm so maybe he's trying this with you?

If that's what it is then probably just telling him you don't like it will stop.

If its not - just ask him why he does it.

Original poster

electra · 17/06/2008 23:08

Yeah, it is during sex - I have asked him not to do it but he doesn't seem to understand.

OP posts:

LuckySalem · 17/06/2008 23:10

Electra - If he won't listen to your desires then he's not the right person and it can be dangerous to do this practise.

Try again but if he continues I agree with your friends and leave the relationship. I've heard of a couple of cases where people have died during this type of "kinky" sex.

Tinker · 17/06/2008 23:10

What doesn't he understand about "Stop doing that"? Doesn't sound promising really.

Original poster

electra · 17/06/2008 23:15

I apparently don't respond correctly when people do something to me which is inappropriate...but I am trying to get out of it because he has shown that he is violent.

OP posts:

Alambil · 17/06/2008 23:56

"I apparently don't respond correctly when people do something to me which is inappropriate..."

You mean you say "NO! Stop" and he doesn't like it?

Get out, electra - now.

Take care x

Blu · 18/06/2008 00:01

I don't know - but it certainly doesn't sound like anything that would make me feel safe, let alone relaxed or loved or orgasmic.

It sounds unnerving and not a good indicator of how things might develop.

I mean, if he did it spontaneously as part of his own expression of passion - a really tight hug - it might be understandable. But the way you describe it as 'repeatedly' and like a ritual sounds very unnerving, since it isn't something you are happily particpating in.

Amphibimum · 18/06/2008 00:05

get out and far away. trust us when we tell you; there are PLENTY more perfect people for you out there. dont settle for the first bloke who shows a bit of interest, most especially if he shows such clear signs of being highly unhealthy for you!

Original poster

electra · 18/06/2008 00:08

Well yes, sometimes people hug you hard and you think "crikey" but this was something else... I know I need to get out of it because he gets into fights - last time I saw him he had scabby knuckles.

OP posts:

Original poster

electra · 18/06/2008 00:10

The sad thing is there are plenty of nice normal people who like me but I find it hard to keep away from him.

OP posts:

warthog · 18/06/2008 00:40

try your hardest to keep away! think about why you want to be around him. are you looking for approval from him?

doesn't sound good. follow your instincts.

madamez · 18/06/2008 00:43

Get away from this nut. Get some serious counselling to fix your boundaries and make yourself able to say 'Get the fuck off me' to someone who does something sexually that you don't like.
He sounds terrifying actually, really dangerous - I get the impression the behaviour is compulsive, which suggests someone who is going to escalate out of control. You are, by the sound of it, dating him rather than living with him, so get him out of your life now before he breaks your ribs or worse.

Lucky Salem, I think you are talking about breathplay/erotic asphyxiation, which isn't actually done in the way the OP describes (but is a pretty dangerous sexual act if you don;t know what you are doing: however it's safer when done with a consenting, considerate partner than when done alone with no one to help if it goes wrong).

Blu · 18/06/2008 11:29

Electra - he is trading on his charisma to hook you in. It isn't brave, edgy or exotic to try and 'tame' a nut like this, or experiment with genuine danger. Please listen to Madamez.
The brave thing to do is respect yourself and walk away. The pathetic thing to do is be a sop to his unhealthy and dangerous, violent behaviour.

Kally · 18/06/2008 12:01

Run when you see him get the old Tesco plastic bags out of his pocket, oh boy....

Original poster

electra · 18/06/2008 13:38

Yes, you are all right of course. The problem is that I am very attracted to him, but I know it will necessarily end badly, and the longer I go on seeing him the harder it will be. In the beginning he seemed so nice, though I always felt there was "something of the night" about him. He is very intense and I thought maybe it was a cultural thing at first. But the last time I saw him he had had a minor argument with his friend which resulted in him punching the friend and also punching a series of holes in the wall

I know that it would only be a matter of time before he would turn his anger on me, perhaps and I also get the impression he doesn't have a lot of respect for others.

I am not well myself at the moment - and my psychiatrist thinks I have BPD so maybe that explains my poor choices / failure to react appropriately to his behaviour...

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 18/06/2008 13:49

You are not well and you are attracted to him because he has 'something of the night about him', well that just means he is violent/dodgy/drug addicted/criminal or something along those lines...there is nothing glamourous or sexy about being any of those things, and if you think there is, you are deluding yourself because he is hurting you, and will continue to do so and probably worse.

StripySails · 18/06/2008 13:52

As so often... think what you would tell a friend in your situation. IMO he sounds like a very bad bet. Run.

StripySails · 18/06/2008 13:55

And as (presumably ) sex happens when there is no one else around if he starts to try to takethe squeezing thing further, or gets very angry when you try to stop him then there will be no one around to help you.

Don't put yourself in the very vulnerable position of being naked and alone with a man who has already shown an inability to understand "No, I don't like that, please stop".

Original poster

electra · 18/06/2008 15:06

Well I have been going on dates with other people to get him off my mind but it's not working. I know I need to give it time. But I'm determind not to see him again. Thanks for your advice. I wish I was attracted to normal people.

OP posts:

snowleopard · 18/06/2008 15:13

Electra you really sound very aware of what's going on in your life and why you might be attracted to him - that's half the battle! Keep thinking that way and you'll be able to steer clear. It's entirely your choice to stop seeing him - do it for yourself and your DC if you have them. The squeezing sounds horrible and you're right he sounds dangerous.

Original poster

electra · 18/06/2008 16:57

Yes I agree - I just have to be strong now.

OP posts:

Flllight · 18/06/2008 17:00

Electra, I second what everyone is saying - you know it really - but please listen to Madamez if no one else, she is our resident sexpert and knows her stuff.

Good luck getting rid, love x

madamez · 20/06/2008 12:21

As others have said, at least you have acknowledged the problem and are getting help for yourself. Please have NOTHING more to do with this nut (though I am actually tempted to suggest reporting him for sexual assault before he escalates further).
'SOmething of the night' my arse, by the way, he's a screwed up inadequate loser or he wouldn't hate women this much.

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