Very few compliments but lovely behaviours in new dating .

[rueys]

We’re both 50 and met at a bar. He is a gentleman as far as I can see.
He is generous, consistent, kind, plans great dates, thinks ahead with me as part of plans, chivalrous, mannerly and genuinely interested in me as a person BUT in all and each of our six dates , I can only remember one compliment.
He told me I was beautiful.
Am I being unreasonable to think that he should be more generous with compliments. We’re seeing each other for the last five weeks, once/ twice per week.

Have you talked to him about this?.

obvs. not in a ‘I demand more compliments’ kind of way, more in a sharing how you see the world and showing curiosity about how these things are for him.

practise by talking to ChatGPT or something about it , try using the ‘ how might a man who does xyz respond to my asking abc

i find it really helpful so long as I remember ChatGPT is only guessing. It does help me have an actual conversation though. Hope you find what works for you.

Thanks.. I haven’t spoken to him about it . Nor have I arranged a date but I think I need to do this asap because now I’m wondering if he thinks I’m too laid back about it all. He plans really good dates and even one for next month and considering we have only started seeing each other really , I need to pull up my socks clearly

This.

I think some wiser men have dialed it back to avoid love bombing, and to not be too full on. Im happily married but if I was dating at 55, I'd be very much coming from a place of building a friendship first. Too many compliments is a bit creepy.

In his shoes, I'd be pulling back because I'd take your lack of planning dates to mean you were pretty ambivalent about them happening. If you're keen to keep seeing him, this might be something you want to address (either just by doing something different, or by actually speaking to him about it) quite soon!

😂

DH isn't quite that blunt (although he is probably thinking it!) but yeah, similar here. But as you say, I know he loves me more than anything and actually does fancy me a lot! He just doesn't really have a way with words and feels awkward giving compliments (and even more awkward taking them!!!)

This.

Complimenting him on how chatty he is and how well he organises a date?!

What have you complimented him on?

What types of compliments are you wanting to receive?

Do you have some insecurities you are expecting him to compensate for?

Absolutely identical situation here.

What a lot of people on these threads (well, thankfully not this one) fail to realise is that everyone is different and nobody is perfect.

I had to adjust my expectations with DH as, like your husband @ScreentimeInTheMeantime , he just doesn't feel comfortable giving (or receiving!) compliments. But over time, I realised how much all of his other traits massively outweigh this tiny issue and now I don't even think about it.

Actions definitely speak louder than words, I used to date a woman who constantly looked for compliments ( no saying you do ), she was very self centred and had insecure ( not saying you are )

Im also wondering if him being ‘chivalrous and mannerly’ means he’s paying for all of the dates as well as doing all the organising.

Tbh OP on your shoes I would stop letting him do all the heavy lifting and have more input rather than worrying about compliments. Put things on a more equal footing

Your love languages are a bit different. Just say you like hearing out loud anything he likes about you and the dates. But actions always speak louder than words, IMHO.

Yes, if you’re used to lovely comments from previous partners it can feel a bit lacking if you pair up with someone who doesn’t communicate in that way… an adjustment worth making, though, for the right person!

It’s not an either/or. You can be a good person and say the odd nice thing to someone! Imagine raising a child and never saying a nice, encouraging thing to them. You could provide for all their needs perfectly, but if there was never a warm word or any positivity they’d still feel like they weren’t valuable.

So many women have a very low bar! Do your DHs really never big you up, ever? It doesn’t have to be about your appearance either. “You’re a great Mum” or “I love how calm you stay in a crisis/your roast potatoes/how you make me laugh”. I genuinely couldn’t be with someone who didn’t ever verbalise the good they see in me.

I don’t know. I had a brief relationship with a man who never complimented me a single time - whilst I certainly wouldn’t want it every time I meet someone, occasionally would have been nice when I had made the effort to look nice.

Although tbh nobody ever complimented me on first or subsequent dates either, so maybe I just look like 💩 😂

100%. For me it's actions that speak louder than words. The fact that he is well behaved, clearly thinking about you, planning nice dates, etc., speaks volumes. It's easy to say a few words, easy to "talk the talk" but a lot harder to "walk the walk". To be honest, I'd not even notice if a boyfriend/date/partner wasn't constantly complimenting me, as I think that's superficial. But OP, you do you. If the OP is the kind who constantly needs validation and compliments then he's clearly not the man for her!

I’m going to go against the grain here, but if you are feeling at all reluctant despite all the green flags (and the sense you have to ‘pull your socks up’ is a gut feeling you might want to pay attention to, as this is not how the honeymoon phase should feel) you may be picking up on something about the relationship that is not quite right.

It may not be about the compliments, it may be that you sense there’s something unsustainable about the effort he’s putting in to planning amazing dates, etc - as though you are a project for him.

I say this because I’ve been there - DH took loads of initiative to plan incredible dates and weekends away in the first 6 months of our courtship, and was completely all in from the getgo, and all my friends thought I’d found the perfect man.

But all effort and interest ceased the moment we were living together and he’d completed the project of getting into a relationship. He is very loyal, but all the initiative and sense of adventure he seemed to have at the beginning was a total mirage, and for the past 20 years since then he has been entirely passive and indecisive and utterly uninterested in anything but his hobbies.

So don’t feel pressured into matching his effort if you’re not sure. I know it’s grim out there in the dating world, but there is something even lonelier about being with someone for whom you were little but an item on a to-do list that needed checking off.

A lot of truth in that.

I've had two serious relationships. First one, was where I was initially infatuated because he was always complimenting me, but I quickly became immune to it because he was all words and no action, always expecting me to drive him around (he didn't drive), always wanting the "cheap" option for dates etc., i.e. local pub rather than a nice meal, never suggesting days out and if I organised one, he'd expect me to drive AND pay for attraction entry fees, snacks, etc. I fairly quickly realised he just said the right things to make up for a complete lack of actual deeds and I ditched him. Second, (now DH) was the opposite. Barely ever complimented me, but it was just his nature and he was embarrassed about giving compliments, and it was a very slow burn, first became a solid friendship and only then, a few months later, did it turn into a relationship, after we'd had lots of lovely (non romantic) days out, meals, pub trips etc.

Different people have different ways when it comes to relationships.

Mine almost never compliments, which isn’t an issue for me, but apparently he “shows me” how he feels all the time. Problem is I am not the most observant person so really had to train myself to look 😂

He’s right. He does, in many ways. I’m not going to use the term ‘love language’ but it does sound like your guy likes you and is showing interest. Depends on if what he’s got works for you x