Very few compliments but lovely behaviours in new dating .

[rueys]

We’re both 50 and met at a bar. He is a gentleman as far as I can see.
He is generous, consistent, kind, plans great dates, thinks ahead with me as part of plans, chivalrous, mannerly and genuinely interested in me as a person BUT in all and each of our six dates , I can only remember one compliment.
He told me I was beautiful.
Am I being unreasonable to think that he should be more generous with compliments. We’re seeing each other for the last five weeks, once/ twice per week.

Jeez, I wouldn’t even notice this.

You need to really consider why you need such validation @rueys as it sounds like a not very attractive trait in itself to be so insecure or looks based…
I would be quite insulted (and make
an awkward joke about specsavers!) for someone to compliment me on my looks as I don’t really value looks as an attribute and think people that do tend to be shallow.

Flattery corrupts both the giver and the receiver

Could have autistic traits and find it difficult to compliment.

Autistic individuals often have a complicated, uncomfortable, or indifferent relationship with compliments, frequently preferring direct communication over praise. This discomfort is often a preference for literal, objective communication over neurotypical social norms

My partner is the same but he's an all round good egg who I can completely rely on in every way.

Talk is cheap OP.

And have you planned any dates?

Actions are much more important. Dh is utterly reliable and loves me, but shows it by what he does, not what he says. Always has. 25 years later, I still have to give myself the odd talking to, when I'm hankering after a bit of romance. I still miss it, but know that it's not what really matters. Only you can decide what you need in a relationship, whether you need complements and reassurance long-term, or whether he's a keeper without them.

I think it’s strange for a man not to say “You look nice” when you meet for a date, or to never say anything positive or complimentary about you ever. That’s the type of behaviour I’d expect from a man who wanted a woman to know her place.

Interesting.

I've spoken with male friends about this. I compliment rarely but they are always genuine and I can't abide compliments like, "You look nice," just because we've met up again. And, from what many men have told me, they say it whether it's true or not because they believe its what women expect them to say. They don't say it because they mean it.

I agree with you. Bland generic comments like ‘you look nice’ are absolutely meaningless and a lot of men say the words before they’ve even really looked at you because they think they should.

Ahh took me ages to get used to my boyfriend (now DH) not complimenting me. It’s just not his way. Previous boyfriends had complimented me loads (although not treated me anywhere near as well as DH did/does).

After a while i even explained that I like receiving compliments (which felt pretty sad haha), but he still rarely compliments me! He is lovely and shows he cares in other ways.

Some people really just don’t give compliments (and often those same people feel awkward receiving them).

I don’t think this is a red flag as the chap is showing you in other ways how he feels. You might have to adjust your expectations though

All I can think of as I read this thread is Mr Collins.

"You may imagine that I am happy on every occasion to offer those little delicate compliments which are always acceptable to ladies ... they arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible."

I'm opposite if my DH started complimenting me all the time I would wonder if he was ill lol. Actions for me and that's more than enough for me and when he randomly smiles and say I look nice,good or beautiful I know it absolutely means something

Thanks . I probably am used to shallow compliments . I haven’t planned any dates yet but am thinking of doing so. We are both v busy so timing is a problem at the moment .

I'd find that level of complimenting seriously off putting.

You compliment him for being capable of planning and arranging dates and behaviour that should be standard?

God, I feel old.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying a genuinely made compliment @rueys .

Why don't you say to him that you enjoy giving and receiving compliments and see what his response is. If he likes you, then he might like to adjust his own style in response and give you a compliment from time to time. I think it would be a good way to see how receptive he might be to your needs.

This might be a long shot, but if you get in first with your compliments maybe he feels to then compliment you would come across as insincere - paying compliments purely because you had. Whatever his reason, I would be much more impressed by everything else you described than compliments. He sounds like one of the good ones.

It’s easy to say nice things but doing nice things takes thought and effort, plus in the end it is what they do rather than what they say that really matters. I’d take the person who does nice things over the person who says nice things any day

Me too. I would be inwardly shuddering and thinking ‘please stop’

Bur as these threads always show, everyone’s different and there’s no right or wrong.

Its a case of working out what does and doesn’t really matter to you

Yes, it sounds like something you'd say to a toddler -- 'Well done on putting your wellies on all by yourself!'

My DH doesn't give compliments. If I prompt with 'do you like this dress?' He says 'depends how much it cost'.

However, he is actually lovely and would do anything for me. He doesn't say it but I know he loves me completely. We have been happily married for a very long time.

A rare, deeply felt and genuine compliment is worth a million shallow, fake words.

I'm not a huge fan of lots of compliments, particularly appearance-based ones. Talk is cheap, and you've already identified that he's using his actions rathe than his words OP. I think you were correct in your observation that you're used to words being thrown around to replace actions. I can understand why it's taking some time for you to adjust

Sounds like you are seeing a nice and genuine guy. You say he does all the organising, you have said he's generous (is he paying for everything too?), he obviously care a lot about you and wants to see you hence doing all of the leg work. It sounds like you are trying to find faults with him. Nobody is perfect, enjoy his good sides and take his eagerness to see you as a huge compliment. I think if anyone should be worried here it's him, as you are not reciprocating. You are just saying that you appreciate all that he does for you.

You have not planned any dates at all? In this case he is possibly too busy to compliment you. Also I always find men very red flaggy if they are all about the compliments as it is very love bombing type thing to do.

Words of affirmation must certainly be your love language? Agree with others, if this is what you need from a partner, he may not be suited to you. However, we must remember that there are a host of ways that people show their love and affection. It could be acts of service (planning dates as example). Many men don’t tend to do that, so it would suggest good planning behaviours and that he wants quality time with you.

Agree with PP. It depends on what you need.

DH is not big with the words. I mean he tells me he loves me daily, but compliments and fluff is rare.

What he does do is show how much he loves me, cares for me etc. with actions. And actions take more thoughts and effort. Anyone can fluff you. Not everyone is demonstrable with love. Personally I would now take the actions over words every time.