I posted here last week about my partner of 2 years accepting a year-long overseas posting without talking to me first. Got nearly 300 replies. Some were brutal but most were fair. Thank you.
A lot has changed since then.
We didn't speak for 4 days. She called Monday night close to midnight. We talked for 2 hours. It was the most honest conversation we have ever had.
I told her how I felt. The pattern of deciding alone. The fact she never once said "come with me" or "how do we do this together." She listened.
Then she told me things I was not ready for.
She said she doesn't believe my plans for our future will ever have real dates. She said when I told my family about her I acted like I had crossed a finish line and stopped moving. She said she has been waiting for me to take the next step and I haven't. She cried and said working abroad is her dream and she is scared the window will close once we have kids. She doesn't want to be 40 and full of regret.
She also admitted saying yes on the spot is a habit from her first job. Her old boss taught her to always say yes and figure it out later. She said she assumed I would say no so she just didn't ask me. She took away my chance to be on her side and she knows that was wrong.
I told her saying yes to her boss and talking to me first are not opposites. She agreed. She promised to include me next time.
She also said the posting probably won't happen because of the conflict situation. But she was clear that when something else comes up she will want to say yes. That is who she is.
Several of you said the secrecy from my family hurt her more than I realised. You were right. I pushed back on that last week. I was wrong.
Several of you said I was being controlling. I have sat with that honestly. I think some of you had a point.
But here is where I am stuck.
She wants a partner who supports her saying yes to opportunities. I want a partner who includes me in the decision. She says she will from now on. But she also told me that even if she did consult me her answer would probably still be yes. So consultation without it changing anything feels like a formality not a partnership.
We didn't break up. We didn't fix it. We are going on a trip we had planned before all this happened. Maybe we figure it out there. Maybe we figure out that we can't.
For those who followed the original thread, thank you. You helped me see things I couldn't see on my own. The ones who were hard on me were often the ones I needed to hear most.
What would you do if your partner said "I will talk to you first but my answer will probably always be yes"? Is that enough?