Update: Partner accepted overseas posting without consulting me. We finally talked.

[YourShyPlayer]

I posted here last week about my partner of 2 years accepting a year-long overseas posting without talking to me first. Got nearly 300 replies. Some were brutal but most were fair. Thank you.

A lot has changed since then.

We didn't speak for 4 days. She called Monday night close to midnight. We talked for 2 hours. It was the most honest conversation we have ever had.

I told her how I felt. The pattern of deciding alone. The fact she never once said "come with me" or "how do we do this together." She listened.

Then she told me things I was not ready for.

She said she doesn't believe my plans for our future will ever have real dates. She said when I told my family about her I acted like I had crossed a finish line and stopped moving. She said she has been waiting for me to take the next step and I haven't. She cried and said working abroad is her dream and she is scared the window will close once we have kids. She doesn't want to be 40 and full of regret.

She also admitted saying yes on the spot is a habit from her first job. Her old boss taught her to always say yes and figure it out later. She said she assumed I would say no so she just didn't ask me. She took away my chance to be on her side and she knows that was wrong.

I told her saying yes to her boss and talking to me first are not opposites. She agreed. She promised to include me next time.

She also said the posting probably won't happen because of the conflict situation. But she was clear that when something else comes up she will want to say yes. That is who she is.

Several of you said the secrecy from my family hurt her more than I realised. You were right. I pushed back on that last week. I was wrong.

Several of you said I was being controlling. I have sat with that honestly. I think some of you had a point.

But here is where I am stuck.

She wants a partner who supports her saying yes to opportunities. I want a partner who includes me in the decision. She says she will from now on. But she also told me that even if she did consult me her answer would probably still be yes. So consultation without it changing anything feels like a formality not a partnership.

We didn't break up. We didn't fix it. We are going on a trip we had planned before all this happened. Maybe we figure it out there. Maybe we figure out that we can't.

For those who followed the original thread, thank you. You helped me see things I couldn't see on my own. The ones who were hard on me were often the ones I needed to hear most.

What would you do if your partner said "I will talk to you first but my answer will probably always be yes"? Is that enough?

Women are tired of constantly putting men first. We've been doing it for centuries. We want to start following our own dreams and men are going to have to get on board.
If my boss asks me if I want to relocate Im not going to say, well I dont know Ill have to ask my boyfriend.
It would be a bit different if I had a husband, children and a home and all the upheaval that involves but there is nothing solid between the two of you.

I was 20 when I told my now dh that moving overseas was in my plan and if he wanted to stay with me he’d have to expect to move countries.

you’re childfree. Why would your answer be no now? What is the cost to you to try something new? You’ve already planned to move overseas just not quite yet so moving earlier would be a minor tweak, what is stopping you? I think your underlying belief is it’s right for you to call the shots. I’d have left you if I were her, my dh moved overseas with me.

You’re not compatible, let her fly and find someone suited to her.

Your writing style is slightly melodramatic, like you are a main character in a novel. I am wondering if that is how you live your life, with main character syndrome. Not once have you acknowledged what your partner's dreams are - to work and travel overseas. Your posts are basically asking ' is it ok to be with someone who I can't stop from pursuing their dreams?' When you are truly in love with someone you ask a different question- 'how can I help my partner pursue their dreams?' She is being open and honest with you about her plans to work overseas and if you don't like it you need to end things. When you go into a conversation about her dreams if your main focus is to change her mind then that's not an open conversation, it's a power struggle. All relationships go through a power struggle phase but my hunch is that you won't commit to a relationship until you are sure you have won it. A truly loving relationship finds a way to move through the power struggle into a partnership. I don't think the two of you will make it through.

You might both benefit from exploring exactly what you mean.

There's a difference between 'my answer would probably still be yes because I can't currently imagine what you might say that would make me change my mind' and '... because I've actually made up my mind already and I'm not interested in anything you might have to say'.

There's also a difference between 'I want to be consulted' and 'I want my opinion to prevail even if we disagree'. It might be just your writing style, but you're coming across to me as if you really want a veto, not a consultation.

I am a person who says yes. In your 20s with no kids she should be saying yes. Then she can discuss with you about how to make it work (rather than whether it is a yes or no). Things have actually changed a lot since we have had kids, but I still say yes to a lot of things and then we either figure things out or I go back and say on further reflection it's a no. What I have loved about my husband is that he accepts my yes and then works with me to see if we can make it work. He needs some more encouragement to say yes... But has learned to say yes more, and then we explore how to make things work if possible. But without children it should be support to say yes. For us this has included 3 years in a long distance relationship where we actively worked to make it work. This could have broken us, but the fact we made it work showed me that this is who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Omg yes..! The dragging out.
read this....

https://designmom.substack.com/p/males-are-the-secondary-sex

If explains a lot

She's been helpfully crystal clear with you. She will relocate for work, she's actively seeking it. So you either want to be with someone who does that or you dont. It's great that she wont compromise on this, its clearly very important to her.

It’s chat GPT (or another AI). He said on the other thread he uses it because English is not his first language so I’m not going to bash him but it makes for quite an odd read.

I think the main thing here is you are focusing on what she has said rather than thinking about yourself and your own actions.
My question would be: what is she to do with a partner who demands commitment from her but shows limited commitment himself?
It would be helpful if aside from saying you acknowledge some of the points previous posters have made, you could set out the precise steps you have taken to change your behaviour? You want her to be all in while you keep one foot out of the relationship. Consultation does not mean you ask for someone’s view and then do what they tell you regardless. She retains agency. A partnership is not about one person controlling everything and the other just doing what they are told. A genuine partnership is about navigating those bumpy points when you may not align with respect and understanding. Until you show her greater emotional maturity and commitment there is no logical reason why she should not say yes to opportunities offered if that’s what feel is right for her. What you are offering is pretty limited.

Is it really worth the unhappiness this relationship is always going to bring? Her always ready to bugger off abroad thinking about her own happiness without considering yours? The selfishness of this alone would be enough for me. Be single if you don’t want to commit to a relationship with someone who doesn’t want long distance relationships. I would also say don’t be in a relationship you’re not committed to if work is more important to you. She’s not committed to the relationship. It’s really that simple. I can’t really think of any tangible reason I would want to be in a relationship with someone that I know is not committed to me and who sees the relationship as second position to work. If you’re actually willing to go with them it’s different. If I was not going abroad with them then I would feel like I would be wasting two years waiting around offering them a commitment they aren’t willing to reciprocate. Some people are better suited as friends than lovers. This is a friend. This isn’t a relationship that is ever going to give commitment to you first and foremost. You’ll always come second. Even if you were unhappy about it she’d still do it anyway and that’s nothing to do with what her bosses tell her. That’s just an excuse . It’s her own choice. Nobody is making her do it.

Has it occurred to you this could be a same sex relationship?

She also admitted saying yes on the spot is a habit from her first job. Her old boss taught her to always say yes and figure it out later ... But she was clear that when something else comes up she will want to say yes. That is who she is.
It sounds like she is so determined to live her dream that she doesn't think it through properly. That would worry me.
It's one thing to have a plan and make it happen; it's another thing to say 'yes' to any old random opportunity that happens to cross your path.

If someone really feels they have met their life partner they would want to make sure their progress together in life with that person regardless of the consequences (unless children are involved).

The point at which my ex and I reached this state of our relationship (making decisions without even discussing with the other - and this was in both directions) was the point at which I finally realised the relationship was over. We just wanted different things - he couldn't understand why I didn't want to uproot my life and career for him to different countries without any input as to where/when, and I couldn't understand how the heck our life was supposed to work if I did what he wanted. Then I got a bit resentful so did it myself (only to Scotland though) - don't recommend, not mature, but did give me the space to realise we were done!

We just wanted very different lives. I was the "boring" one in some ways - I wanted to settle down, buy a place, get engaged, have that stability. Bearing in mind I was 24 when we split, I'm sure this would horrify some people on here but I knew what I wanted. I also wanted to continue my career and not screw it up by constantly moving countries!

He was on the very typical PhD -> post-grad -> wanting to become a lecturer and win a nobel prize one day track. He wasn't wrong to want to chase the great postings, I still think he was wrong for his attitude to me about it but I had a choice to accept that or leave.

I have since done all the "boring" stuff with my now husband and god I'm happy. I'm so glad I didn't bounce round a load of countries with my ex. Our relationship wasn't strong enough anyway but it's just not what I wanted!

It's okay to just want different things. It's sad, but not as sad as one of you living a life you didn't want.

(Edited to fix spelling from novel prize to nobel prize!)

On the off chance this is the Army it is very difficult to say no and can impact your career significantly.

As someone who has watched so many of her friends sideline opportunities for the sake of their unfulfilling relationships and regret it later, I say good on her OP. She is clearly not prepared to wait for you to decide she is “good enough” to introduce to your family and take the next step. You have not been considering her needs or her future so she has stopped considering yours. She is not a toy you can pick up and put down (with your family’s blessing).

She sounds self-assured, driven and intelligent. Do not try and dull her shine to make yourself feel better.

OP is male. This was already established in the first thread.

Interesting article!

She’s absolutely right not to let her relationship with you have a negative impact on her professional life.

What it comes down to is who should have the final say. She wants to work abroad. You don’t want her to work abroad. Discussing it likely wouldn’t change either of your minds.
why do you think she should bow to your wishes?

@YourShyPlayer I really don’t think you are ever going to be on the same page .
Will she be forever making life changing choices for you both , then blaming this on you holiday back from your parents?
Sad as it is for you op I think it sounds best to separate .

Is say good for her for taking opportunities . However she really shouldn’t be in a relationship .
Also she can’t blame op forever because he held back telling his family .
Maybe he had reservations and seems like he was right.
She isn’t his forever .

You don't really sound compatible, OP. It means a lot to your partner to take up work opportunities including those abroad. She believes that you want to stay put and not go with her. Is she right about that? If so, you can't be happy together however you discuss the situation, unless for example you decide to have a long distance relationship.

She is greedy always wanting more. Why can’t she be grateful for what she has. she is a lucky woman to have you. The way she has spoken to you is insulting to you and your family. The grass is always greener on the other side. Family is very important