When you love a parent but really don't like them....

[MonsterMunchforbreakfast]

....Because no matter what you do or how much you have gone out of your way to help them over the years nothing you do is good enough and your younger sibling (who does a lot less to help) is always and has always been the favourite.

How do you deal with that?

Even at 53 it hurts so much to know my father favours my sister even though I never gave my parents any hassle yet my sister, his favourite, has been a nightmare since childhood and in adulthood had an affair with a married man of 4 and when he left his 3 kids and pregnant wife my father welcomed him to the family with open arms and even bought him a cheap car and found him a cheap rental property because he left home with nothing and yet I've been with my husband since we were 16 and he has been a great loyal partner and father (my DC are my parents only GC) and helpful sul but it still feels as though my sister's partner is always the better one in my father's eyes and I have no idea why that is.

I've genuinely done so much for my parents since my dear mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 8 years ago and have run myself ragged from the stress of watching my lovely, kind and caring mother being slowly eating away from such a wicked disease but not once has my father ever thanked me or even acknowledged the pain I'm also going through (he doesn't even really acknowledge that it's poor mum who's brain is being wrecked by such a dreadful disease, it's always about how the disease has affected HIM). He spends all his time telling everyone how crap his life is despite being in great health all his life (I've had chronic health issues for years). He has never had many responsibilities, for decades he has always had money due to a large inheritance from my mum's parents and never once had any caring responsibilities for his own parents, they died quickly in old age. He tells anyone who will listen how he never envisaged his 80's would be dealing with the curse of mum's dementia and he had big plans for his 80's and mum's illness has just ruined it all yet he also chose to spend his 60's and 70's (the time he should have spent leisurely with his wife) aeither on the golf course or out on his motorbike. An only child, pampered by his own mother, enabled by my poor mother (I've only recently come to that conclusion) and living a golden life. He even bought just what he wanted with part of my mum's inheritance (a new car, the new motorbike and his weekly visits to the golf course), he even went Australia on the money and dragging mum there even though she is terrified of flying (she even needed medical help at the airport due to the stress of it). All because it was his 'dream' and what HE wanted. I can't recall mum treating herself to anything with her money and even now he bemoans anything suggested to make mum's life easier by saying HE is spending out enough as it is (yet they'd have very little savings if it hadn't been for my mum's inheritance as he got next to nothing from his parents as they had little to leave).

He's always been self centred but it hasn't ever been an issue up until 2020 as he was content not doing just what he wanted but since mum's dementia took hold and he actually had to put in place some of his marriage vows (in sickness and health and all that jazz), he's turned into a miserable old man who feels his ship is sinking and seemingly wants to take everyone down with him.

If it's wasn't for my mum, my best mate and one of the loveliest people you could wish to meet (all the carers tell me this too) then I'd not go round as much as I do as he inwardly angers me so much.

Regardless of the above I do actually love him but I really find it hard to like him and find little to like which is all a bit of a head fuck tbh - how can you love someone but not like them? I've tried counselling to gain some understanding but it didn't help and I can't say anything to anyone's face as I'll always look like the bad guy so I just have to inwardly seethe.

Has anyone had this kind of relationship with a parent and how did you cope with it?

I’m in a similar situation. I’m stepping away. I don’t want anything to do with GC or parent anymore. They’re welcome to each other. I think a lot of the time it’s just about who makes a parent feel good. Simple as that. I don’t make my mother feel good. I don’t suck up to her or flatter or or pretend . She doesn’t like that.

I agree, I'm the same with my dad and tbh, if it wasn't for my dear mum living with him I wouldn't see him as much as I do but I have to because of my mum. She's 8 years into her dementia journey and I don't think she has many years left. If I step back from him I'd be doing the same to my mum and I couldn't bear that so I'm stuck in a place of stalemate.

I really don't blame you for stepping away though, it's quite soul destroying, isn't it?

Yes. It’s been bubbling away in the background since I was born but only after having children have I really started pushing back. It’s one thing making me feel like shit but they aren’t doing that to my children. It’s been a 5 year cycle of establishing boundaries, having them honoured, then familiarity creeping in, some really unpleasant incident inflicted on me. Blowing up. Starting the process all over again.

It’s absolutely fucking exhausting and I’m coming to realise even the “good times” aren’t good. It’s just an uneasy ceasefire. It’s really starting to affect my eldest and that’s a hard line for me.

It's so difficult isn't it? We just want that 'normal' relationship we see others have with their parents. It is so exhausting, I literally have to take myself away to a room on my own for a while after I've been with my parents, it's wrecked my mentally and physically.

My own dc are young adults and barely see my father, he moans constantly about that but he can not see it's because of him, he's the reason they don't want to visit.

I feel for you.

It’s a whole different dynamic for me to be fair. I’ve spent all my life as the “black sheep” with two parents who have never really supported me. My 53 year old brother lives with them and so does his son on weekends. Son is absolutely obnoxious towards me. Demanded to know what we were doing in “their” parking space last time we visited. Everyone laughed. So far he’s called me fat, stupid and a cow on separate occasions. I can’t do it anymore. They’re all fucking warped.

Your predicament is a lot different because you clearly love your mum and for good reason by the sounds of things. I think you need to start grey rocking your dad and stepping back.

I have also felt like the black sheep in the family when it comes to my dad and my sister, they regularly laugh at me and take the piss out of everything I do (my dad also tells my ds he's fat which is why he rarely visits his grandparents). Before mum got the dementia she would always stand up for me but now I feel my dad and sister are always in cahoots with each other and I don't have my mum to support me anymore, she is here in body but has gone.

I am sorry your family treat you the way they do, I simply can not imagine treating either of my children like that.

OP

Children love their parents anyway no matter how toxic or otherwise crap they actually are. Unfortunately for you your dad is a narcissist and it is simply not possible to have a relationship with him being this disordered of thinking. Sadly for you when growing up your mother chose to stay or otherwise stand by him for her own reasons in spite his appalling behaviour which should have led to their marriage ending.

I would stop running yourself ragged now for your both ungrateful and narcissistic father. Drop the rope he holds out to you and do nothing more of note for him now.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I presume your younger sibling does far less, if anything of note, to help you at all and that person remains golden to your dad. That is a role not without price either but they are unaware of this.

What are your boundaries like here re your parents, dad in particular?. The issue you have is that you've been trained by dear dad to put his needs first (which he certainly did) with your own needs dead last. You also received the Special Training which adult children of narcissists receive not to have firm boundaries. Any boundary you care to set him now will be basically ignored by him. Grey rocking dad may work for a while but that process in itself can be very taxing emotionally. Your narcissistic dad really is not worth bothering about and the people who do bother with such are only the adult children of same.

I presume your mother still lives with your dad. Have you considered contacting Adult Social care re obtaining a needs assessment for her?. Are all benefit monies for her being claimed? Would a care home for her be an option now?. You cannot go on as you are and carer burnout is a real problem for many.

Do read Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina W Brown and have a look at Dr Ramani's content re NPD on YouTube. Keep dealing with any fear, obligation and guilt you have (three buttons installed in you by dad) through therapy.

Loving a family you don’t like is unfortunately common. Your df is unlikely to change and start to appreciate you or have the sudden realisation that he’s lived a relatively charmed life.

The best thing to do is set boundaries, particularly around his complaining. Say you’d rather not hear it. It is clear you love your mum and want to help her as much as you can but you describe yourself as “run ragged”. Let your df and ds pick up the slack a little more. If you felt like your cup was full your df’s thoughtless behaviour would probably bother you a little less. Remember you are also part of this unhealthy dynamic. If you always step in to pick up all the pieces yourself this may be part of the reason you feel unappreciated.

Good luck. I can tell it’s a painful situation.

Am appalled though not entirely surprised that they call your DS fat because this is what such dysfunctional and otherwise abusive types of people do. How ghastly of them. Small wonder therefore he does not see them, he is doing the right thing here.

Your golden child sister is a carbon copy of dad sadly and going forward you need to also stay away from these two.

OP

You also have two qualities your father and golden child sister lack - empathy and insight.

@MonsterMunchforbreakfast so sorry you're going through this. Alzheimers is a wicked disease.
Can you take your dm out so you don't have to be with dad?

maybe you don’t love him. Maybe you can’t and shouldn’t love someone who harms you like that.

You need to give him a piece of your mind. Tell him just what a self centred person he is and how selfish he was to spend your Mum's inheritance on himself. Remind him of how youve helped over the years and how he shouldnt take that for granted. He won't like it but he needs a taste of reality. And please let your sister care for him in his old age. You stick with your lovely Mum.

I have tried that but he's so stubborn and so obtuse that he will never see anyone else POV and it ends up with me getting irate and looking like the bad guy, he will then tell everyone who will listen I can't handle this as well as my sister does.

There is genuinely no winning with my dad at all.

I've already told my DH that if my father also gets dementia or needs long term care he will need to go into a home. He won't be an easy man to look after and frankly, he doesn't care about me, I have several chronic health issues which he is fully aware of and knows the stress from mum's disease makes my issues worse but appears not to be overly concerned about this at all. As long as I'm there to help out, he appears not to care one jot that the stress is slowly eroding my life as I knew it.

I genuinely do feel that I love him, I'm certain that's why I go out of my way to help him. I feel hurt and sad that he may not love me the way he loves my sister. Perhaps that's why I've always gone out of my way to do things for him, for his approval?

It's very difficult because mum is now double incontinent and has limited mobility. She has carers in 3 times a day to change her as it became to much for my sister and I to deal with.

In the summer I can get the carers to put her in her wheelchair and take her round the village but it's not an easy task sadly.

Thank you.

My counsellor did suggest I start setting clearer boundaries and I have been doing that. For instance I was going to my parents 6 days a week. I've reduced that to 3-4 days a week but it's clear my dad does not like this at all, he's telling people it's because I can't handle the situation at all, not like my sister can apparently, yet she has always only ever gone round 1-2 times a week but somehow I'm the bad guy?!

Thank you so much for your advice.

I genuinely never thought of my dad as a narcissist, not until the last year of so. I really had a great childhood and never thought of my father as being that way but I suppose it may have been because he has had such a golden life and so he never had reason to feel trapped or frustrated or angry at anyone as it was all going his way and had been for decades. He had a job he loved, money, good health and no caring duties at all. He really was a happy fun person but who wouldn't be when you're doing exactly what you want with your life? I realise now that my poor mum probably took on a lot of the caring responsibilities whilst dad was 'fun' dad. He never once had to worry or care about his parents yet my mum spent 10 years helping my very difficult grandfather after her own mum died when mum was 48.

It's only now that that mum's dementia means she has been replaced by someone with extreme needs that his true colours are showing I suppose. He really does seem to resent her for succumbing to dementia, almost as though it's her fault. Constantly going on about how much all this care etc is costing HIM and how HE no longer has a life and can't just go where he wants, when he wants and not once thinking about this cost this disease is having on poor mum (she has no life and can't go anywhere, her freedom is gone forever).

We have had SS in several times for carers assessment etc but there is little they can offer as my parents have money. That's another thing which irks him. He feels because he has worked all his life and paid his taxes then the government should step in and help but sadly that's not going to happen as they have a vast amount of savings. They have all the benefits they are entitled too and again that's been down to me, my sister doesn't get involved with any of that simply states it's too much for her to handle.

We have been looking at care homes for respite with the idea that mum may need to go in full time eventually but it's a nightmare, dad won't spend anymore than around £1200 per week and all the homes with looked at so far for that price have been dreadful, I've come out and cried after every visit. He and I are due to see another this afternoon so we will see how things go.

It's all so draining.

He has form for taking the 'piss' out of everyone. He even does it to the carers, they've gotten used to him and I'm forever apologising but they say they are thick skinned and can handle it but it's mortifying tbh.

That sounds like a great start. Try to just accept that you will never be appreciated by your Dad (I know this is hard). Trust your own instincts and not his. You know that you love your mum and are there for her. That’s what matters.

I think your father never truly loved your mother. Liked the idea but in reality, no.

Your father only continues to think of his own self here. He won't even look at care homes costing more than £1200 per week and as you've already seen they are not great at all. It will come to a point where the carers going in is not enough.

He is both mean with money and mean with love. Your mother will also need a care home for people with dementia. He is going to have to part with some of his precious cash and pay up!!!. But he will not do so and not without a fight. You will have to fight him to get your mother into a care home.

Same with your sister; she is capable but she has also opted out of your mother's care stating it's too much for her to "cope" with. She is not bothered either, same as your dad and they are two peas from the same pod.
They're basically leaving it all to you and are allowing you to run yourself ragged in the process. Your own family life too is of no concern to them.

I did state that your dad would not care for any boundary you care to set and indeed I was right unfortunately. You're the scapegoat in this family whilst your sister who does sweet fa is far more favoured ( a dynamic also seen time and time again in such dysfunctional families).

And I would no longer apologise on his behalf to the carers for his own poor behaviour. Ultimately you need to walk away from your father and sister here because you are really the only one holding all this together by its threads.

I would also suggest you post on the Elderly Parents forum of MN because there are many helpful posters who could offer further advice.

Thank you. It very much pains me to read this because it is all absolutely true.

I genuinely never realised this years ago and mum did always appear happy and contented but over the last few years my father does seem to have shown some true colours. I do very much feel for him, it's not easy living with someone with dementia 24/7 but he fails to see how wonderful his life has been until very recent years and how fortunate he is to have both his children on hand whenever he needs. He's also extremely fortunate to be in a position where he has funds to get in help but he would rather the money sit in investments and banks accounts than actually paying for extra help/care. I wish more than anything he would acknowledge that mum is in the last stages of her disease and life and want to give her everything possible but he doesn't. Not sure if that is denial or just mean spirited?

I'm sure he begrudges me for having a life outside of his own. Tells me constantly that he has no idea why I 'still' do all I do for my own DC because they are now adults (17 and 20) but they are my kids FFS, they still live at home. He hates anyone who has freedom and a life not dragged down by dementia. I do understand this but what am I supposed to do? Just give up on my life at 53? I genuinely believe if I said to him 'Dad you go do everything you want each day and I'll come and sit with mum 7 days a week and give up my life' he would be up for that without any further thought. Of course I won't do that and I know he thinks that means I can't handle the situation because I've drawn back recently from being there so much. It's not, it's because his attitude exacerbates my stress so for my own sanity and to avoid arguments I've drawn back.

It's a hopeless situation tbh and I have horrible dark thoughts that there is only really one scenario which would see a permanent end to all of this. That day will come but who wishes their parent's lives away? What a horrible nasty thought.

I do regularly post on the elderly parents forum and it is a relief to know others have this struggle too, it's quite a lonely place to be, none of my friends have this issue and my in laws were completely different when mil was dying a few years back. They never once put any pressure on my DH, nor his brother. Incidentally, my fil thinks my dad is a horrible man and can not understand him at all, he regularly tells DH this.

That's so sad. Her dignity has gone. It must be so painful for you to witness.

I think this is something to explore with your therapist.
The idea that children should and do love their parents might be contributing to you taking on the role of the dutiful daughter.
Your father does not sound worthy of your love so it would be understandable if you actually do not. If you feel you do, try transferring some of that love to someone who deserves it.
If you father is a narc, or has narc traits, he won't love your sister either. He would not be capable of it. It may appear that way because she has a different role to you in the dysfunctional family.
And if it helps takes his power away, narcissists are just damaged people who damage others. Try to not let him damage you any longer.

Sadly my counselling has now ended and I can't afford anymore.

Thank you for your advice.