Mums hurtful words

[LA1988]

I have never really had a close relationship with my mum. I get along great with my dad but my mum has always been more for my brother. Hes never worked. Dropped out of school at 14. 4 kids with 3 different women. Always in trouble with the police but me currently at university. Have worked most of my life except when I took a year off to become a mum myself.
Never had great relationships with men but when I was talking to her today about my cousins up coming wedding, my mum made several comments.

1. She said well I dont need to worry about buying a hat because you will never get married (I would love to get married, what woman wouldn't)
2. I stated i felt men were intimidated by me because im independent, speak well, well educated, have boundaries, respect myself enough to not have one night stands etc earn my own money.
3. She then came back with thats not whats wrong with you. Its you. Look at you who would want to be with that. Ok I have put on weight in the last 6mths due to surgery & not being as active but I am trying to lose weight just really struggle with keeping active. Yes I was in joggers & a t-shirt but I had just finished cleaning the house when she popped round. If I was going out I would be some what presentable.

I said that I felt her comments were unfair considering im her only daughter but she just laughed & said so what. My dad noticed how hurt I was by her comments & said any man would be lucky to have me but the words I have stuck with me especially as tomorrow is mother's day & I have bought her flowers & a nice present that she's been dropping hints for. My brother will just get her a card like he does every year. I then will have to sit round a table for sunday lunch & be the dutiful daughter whilst she pays all her attention to my brother & me & my child get ignored. Baring in mind my brother doesn't even see his 4 kids so the only the grandchild she sees is my child but she's always picking fault with them too. If it wasn't for my dad I wouldnt make any effort to go to their house.

I'm sorry your mum is so horrible. I don't know why you bother with her.

You sound like an amazing woman OP.

I am really sorry you are going through this.Maybe step back a bit just to protect your mental health.

You don't deserve this.Let your brother do the running around.

I would get a terrible case of vomiting and have to stay home tomorrow. Oh dear.

She sounds awful and not worth your time OP. Let her and your brother carry on as they are. Would you try counselling, it must be so wearing having such a nasty piece of work as a mum. I’m so sorry, you sound really great and she should feel lucky.

Don’t be so bloody nice. In response to her “hat” comment- you should have said “no you won’t need a hat as you won’t be invited”!

And then when she was so horrible about it “being you” I’d have told her she can either apologise or leave my house. You say you have boundaries and respect for yourself, but you don’t put them into practice with your mum. So start- in order for your daughter to grow up a strong woman too who doesn’t take shit from anyone.

I also think you should start calling her out - or “if you want to keep seeing your grandchild you need to stop talking like that right now”

Does she work or go out? Can you arrange to see your dad separately?

Your mother sounds vile, OP. I would say your father is at least somewhat lacking that he has tolerated your mother’s appalling treatment of you. Can you go LC or NC with your mother and see your father outside their home?

And i agree with the suggestion of counselling. Having such a horrible mother is probably something that could do with some processing.

I wouldn't go around tomorrow.

Your mum sounds like a nasty piece of work.

OP, you don't 'have' to sit round the table smiling on Mother's Day. Try to be more aware of how you want to behave towards your mum. Perhaps you would rather see her less often, and/or stop giving her lovely presents and just buy her a small box of chocolates, and/or reply to some of her comments with 'what did you say? That's not very nice, is it?'. Or whatever. She can't make you treat her better than her behaviour warrants.

Get her a card.

Take the present back to the shop.

Don't go out of your way at lunch.

Enjoy the flowers yourself.

She’s full of shit. You are worthy of love and respect and so what if you wear what ever - that has nothing to do with finding a partner. I would wash the slate clean, ignoring the moronic comment and refusing to let it get you down. Don’t let her stupid remarks fool you into ever believing her bullshit. Going forward-call her out. If she’s rude refuse to let her see that you are upset- do not lower your self to her level - but firmly merely remind her that she’s wrong and block her for however long you need to protect yourself. Return the present too and if you want just drop in the flowers when only yyour dad is home or drop and run- treat yourself and your child to something lovely 🥰 and do something nice for yourself every day.

Drop the card in. Return the present if you can and keep the flowers yourself. Literally take her the card and then go and enjoy your day with your child

I can't believe a mother could speak to their daughter like this. So sorry OP. I'd drop a card in and make some excuse (justified) to spend the day doing something you enjoy.

What a terrible way for her to speak to her own daughter. Is she jealous of you ? Is that why she is insulting and devalues your achievements. You need to start tailoring your actions to match her behaviour. You do not need to be the dutiful daughter, who gave you that idea, give it a miss like others have said and have a nice day with your child instead of them having to suffer her as well. Next time she upsets you get up and leave/ask her to leave, tell her she is a terrible mother and you will not tolerate her insults or her ignoring your child. Set some boundaries. I would be going low/no contact.

I'm so sorry to hear that. How bloody hurtful, I'm sure you're lovely. No idea why mother's say such awful things to their daughters (speaking from experience....)

The old saying that you teach others how to treat you is completely true @LA1988
It’s now time to teach mother.
You’re worth more than this. Stop her nasty words in their tracks. Stop feeling obliged to sit and take it. It doesn’t have to end in a row or a slanging match. Just say ‘Right, I’m off’’, and go. Don’t rush back the next day, or week or month if necessary. Don’t waiver, don’t cave in. Carry on speaking to your father but cut your mother short. If she or anyone else asks, say the time has come that you’re treated better by her and if she can’t do it, it’ll be her loss not yours. Show your child how to treat people with respect and kindness by showing yourself some.

Start the ball rolling today by not giving her the present.

What a cow! Keep the flowers, return the gift and treat yourself with the money. She doesn't deserve them.

Don't go for lunch OP, post her card through the door, keep the flowers for yourself and return the gift. She doesn't merit your time or your kindness. Time to now treat your unpleasant mother in the way she deserves. Don't accept another word of criticism and /or rudeness from her as you are just rewarding bad behaviour. She sounds a bully and a thoroughly nasty woman. If she criticises you in the future just leave immediately. You don't have to take it or defend yourself just show her by your actions.

This! And tell yourself she should be grateful that you’ve even turned up. And if she moans at you, tell her.

What a nasty and spiteful thing for your mother to say to you, shocking. You need to stick up for yourself and tell her that comment insulting your looks was so hurtful and not how a mother should speak to her child, she should be ashamed of herself. Don’t go round and play happy families today unless she shows genuine remorse and understanding that she was wrong. People treat you how you let them.

This. Perhaps not even the card. Any comeback I would repeat what she said to you and tell her she needs to apologise.

If my mum spoke to me like that, I really wouldn't bother with her. Don't go and see her and enjoy Mother's Day with your child doing something nice for you.

If your dad wants to see you he will make the effort. You can meet up with him without your mum being there.

She's a nasty piece of work, sounds like she really enjoys putting you down.
In your shoes I would;
Not take her present etc round today. Return for a refund, she doesn't deserve it.
Go and do something nice with your child, you're a mum, today is your day.
Go low contact with her, as PPs have suggested.
Dont waste your precious time trying to figure out why she's like this. She's awful. That's all you need to know.
Live your life and be happy. For yourself. Fuck her. 💐

Always remember when I was a size 8-10 my mother called me a fat pig. We are very very low contact!

I wouldn’t go. It’s a choice to go and be miserable, if it were me I’d choose to do anything else.