Mums hurtful words

[LA1988]

I have never really had a close relationship with my mum. I get along great with my dad but my mum has always been more for my brother. Hes never worked. Dropped out of school at 14. 4 kids with 3 different women. Always in trouble with the police but me currently at university. Have worked most of my life except when I took a year off to become a mum myself.
Never had great relationships with men but when I was talking to her today about my cousins up coming wedding, my mum made several comments.

1. She said well I dont need to worry about buying a hat because you will never get married (I would love to get married, what woman wouldn't)
2. I stated i felt men were intimidated by me because im independent, speak well, well educated, have boundaries, respect myself enough to not have one night stands etc earn my own money.
3. She then came back with thats not whats wrong with you. Its you. Look at you who would want to be with that. Ok I have put on weight in the last 6mths due to surgery & not being as active but I am trying to lose weight just really struggle with keeping active. Yes I was in joggers & a t-shirt but I had just finished cleaning the house when she popped round. If I was going out I would be some what presentable.

I said that I felt her comments were unfair considering im her only daughter but she just laughed & said so what. My dad noticed how hurt I was by her comments & said any man would be lucky to have me but the words I have stuck with me especially as tomorrow is mother's day & I have bought her flowers & a nice present that she's been dropping hints for. My brother will just get her a card like he does every year. I then will have to sit round a table for sunday lunch & be the dutiful daughter whilst she pays all her attention to my brother & me & my child get ignored. Baring in mind my brother doesn't even see his 4 kids so the only the grandchild she sees is my child but she's always picking fault with them too. If it wasn't for my dad I wouldnt make any effort to go to their house.

Your mum was most likely your first bully. Women do not supernaturally become kindness embodied upon having one of their eggs fertilised. Some of us were made by humans who not only lack the software to care about the inner world of another person but also lack the mental brakes to stop them being harmful when made aware of their frankly shocking lack of humanity.

mothers Sunday is about the loving feminine spirit, you’re mum ain’t that and she knows it. Spend time today thinking about women who have demonstrated an ally’s heart. And let’s be honest, it’s mainly women with the feminine energy that have swept in when we’ve been in bad places

How about, to make a point today, turn up with flowers and present (just to get rid of them instead of having to look at them in your house), do not enter, leave daughter in car say “just dropping these off for Mother’s Day sweetheart” and say

“sorry can’t stop today we ;you and daughter) are going to “insert some untraceable bollocks here” have a nice afternoon”
turn on heels
get back into car
“what about lunch I’ve made it now”
”then it’s brothers lucky day he can have second helpings”

stand your ground

politely tell her to fuck right off

it will take the wind right out of her sails - you will be denying her the thing she wants most to make you feel bad but will be left with only presents from the female child she has utter misogynistic feelings for - the flowers in vase - unable to hear her rantings - she might throw them away or regift you her present in the future - then you know her feathers have been ruffled!

Enjoy

have a lovely Mother’s Day @LA1988

The worst thing that’s happening here is she is abusing your DC directly by finding fault with them.

Its your responsibility now to take your DC out of the line of fire.

I suspect that you have poor boundaries because of the contempt and disrespect that your mother has dealt out to you - but it’s now on you to take your DC out of abuse.

She is also abusing your DC indirectly by hobbling you in front of your DC - who will be left confused and hurt which will make them anxious.

Do not go to see her today. She is not deserving of your time and you'd be better off keeping the flowers for yourself. Would you tolerate this from a friend, unlikely and your mother is in fact no different. She seems to worship your feckless brother too, these two are two peas in a pod. I would also assume you have been the outcast or scapegoat in this family. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

Drop the rope she holds out to you here and do not see her or otherwise contact her going forward. You owe her nothing, let alone a relationship here.

It is hard having a toxic mother and it does not do your DC any favours either seeing her treat you like something she has stepped in. Enough is enough re her and I would suggest dealing with your FOG (fear obligation and guilt) through therapy. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point.

Your dad is your mother's enabler here and he has also failed to protect you from the excesses of her behaviour. He cannot be relied upon either so I would leave him to it as well. He has chosen not to defend you openly and has sided with his wife.

She sounds awful. Dont go today. Why would you?

If she is too toxic/Difficult or otherwise batshit for YOU to deal with, it is the SAME deal for the children too. Keep them also well away from your toxic mother, your enabler dad and feckless brother. Apart from anything else they are all emotionally unhealthy role models for your kids to be seeing.

Her words are a reflection of herself and bear no resemblance to you. I think you are an amazing person OP X

Unfortunately my dad is disabled, my mum is his carer so where she goes he goes. She only popped in yesterday because my brother wouldnt answer the door to her because he was still in bed so she came to mine for a quick coffee until he was up & ready otherwise she wouldn't have bothered coming to my house.
I have booked a table for me & my child today & we are going out for lunch just the 2 of us. She moaned slightly "thanks for telling me, thats food wasted now, if your going out for lunch we will come too & you can pay for me" i made excuses they were fully booked & struggled to get a table myself. Then she brought up about my graduation ceremony in july & said "oh i forgot to say we wont be coming to it" i know my dad wants to be there but unless my mum drives him he has no way of getting there.
Its my first mother's day as a single mum (my childs dad was abusive & i left him 10mths ago, hes not allowed to see me or our child) so plan to make it a happy day.

@LA1988. Happy Mother's Day. x

Well done for heading her off at the pass re she inviting herself to your family lunch today. She indeed has a brass neck.

She never had any intention of going to your graduation ceremony and got that in today as further punishment to you.

Never let her darken your door again. She will never apologise nor accept any responsibility for her actions. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

On a wider level your dad could do with a needs assessment. However, he’s made his choice and he is her enabler. Sadly he cannot be relied upon either and he has failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife’s behaviour.

Well done to you.

Show your DC that you are an invincible, fun, strong, loving unit.

Huge congratulations for getting away from your x, for achieving your degree, for breaking thru the low expectations and zero support from your parents (your Mum is jealous of your success).

Can you move? Fade her out of your day to day life and get busy filling it with more aspirational, fun, reciprocal people. Intentionally build a calm, peaceful, supportive and kind community for you both.

Have you accessed any resources on neglectful, abusive, dysfunctional childhoods - because you have some reparenting and growth to engage with to root out the deficiencies your parents left you with. It is no surprise that you were in an abusive relationship given your background which has left you emotionally vulnerable. If you don’t focus on understanding and committing to fixing this - you will end up in another and your DC will be a victim of that as well. Please seek professional support/insight so that you can have a life free of abusers and the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that you are in that keeps you drawn to and trapped in toxic relationships.

You are a smart resilient woman - make sure you invest in your emotional intelligence.

Happy Mothers Day - you are doing great - biggest gift you can give your DC is to take them out of punching distance of toxic people and for them not to see you abused - that destroys any child’s emotional development. Have a great day.

Yes I would emphasise how close you and your daughter are and how you both put each other first. Also how you
want your bond to grow so that when she becomes an adult you’ll both know you will always be there for each other.
I think your mother is jealous of your strength and independence and ability to cope. Enjoy your day. Sending you love and best wishes. X

Your Mum is jealous of you. Go do what makes you happy and remember, that you are never tied to your parents.
Please shake off everything that she has said.. Go and make her really jealous of how you live your life!

When she said “ look at that!” I would have said , who do you think you are speaking to?

It’s sound down putting and disrespectful, and tell her to leave you until she apologises. Set your boundaries :9)

It sounds like your mum and your ex are abusive. It’s quite common actually because you grow up thinking their behaviour is normal and you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.
I hope you had a nice day op. It’s time to protect your mental health and put up firm boundaries. I believe there is some jealousy there on her part - let me guess, she doesn’t have an education, didn’t have a career?