I think my DH would prefer it if acted "small"

[GelatinousDynamo]

Looking for some perspective. I am rather successful in my career (same field as DH, he's older than me, so was way further up the career path when we've met). It's a knowledge-based industry. I have progressed really far and gained massive confidence compared to where I've started from.

DH has a habit of talking down to me on my work. It’s condescending and makes me second-guess myself. I've recently watched his parents interact and it clicked for me: I've realized his mother (who was the primary breadwinner and a successful tax advisor) has spent decades pretending to be dim and helpless to make everyone else feel important. She’s clever and resourceful, but she performs the role of a damsel who needs looking after. She will performatively ask mine or my DHs advice on topics where she has more experience. My FIL is very proud of her btw, so it's not like she was "keeping the peace" due to his ego, he's always been very supportive of her. I don't think DH has even noticed this dynamic.

I now can't shake this feeling like DH expects this from me too. He’s proud of my success, but he treats my intellect like it’s inferior to his. I'm afraid that it will only get worse in the future because I'm on my way to outpace him professionally.

The weird part? I’ve started shrinking around him. I find myself questioning my own expertise. I'm so good at what I do, and yet I come home and ask his professional opinion, because I want him to tell me that I was right. I KNOW when I'm right, and yet I still do that.

How do I break this cycle before my own confidence is eroded? I refuse to pay a "submission tax". I get that my MIL has probably been raised that way, but I wasn't.

Have you actually brought this up with him and your observations about your MIL?

You may be finding he has no idea he's been doing it and it it might make him think a little more about how he talks about your job.

It sounds like this is exactly the dynamic he wants.

Never ever shrink yourself to accommodate a fragile male ego. A strong man would be meeting you as equal. He’s doing this because he feels threatened.

Refuse to shrink. Call him on it every time and tell him you don’t appreciate him speaking to you like you are less than.

If he genuinely is proud of you for your sake and not as ‘his wife’ he will be horrified and will stop. If he doesn’t then I guess you know he is just another misogynist.

This.

Is it that you want him to tell you that you are right, or you want validation and him to acknowledge or recognise you know what you are talking about? Like proving yourself? (Not that you need to but because he talks down to you).

I entirely believe you, by the way, I think there are some (many) men who cannot handle intelligent women who are more intelligent than them.

I think you’ve hit on something. Honestly, I don’t even know why I need his validation. I manage a team, I navigate high-stakes problems, and I know exactly what I’m doing. But there’s this weird, involuntary reflex where I walk through the door and I start telling him about my day and he’s somehow defaulting to the "expert" role and picking apart what I did and I start to doubt myself. It’s infuriating because it’s like the default setting in my brain.

I don't think he's doing it maliciously.

How much older is he than you?

I’ve learned the hard way that talking about his parents to him is a losing battle. He gets extremely defensive, and the conversation inevitably shifts to me attacking his family.

10 years

I know the big focus here is the male/female dynamic and the fragile male ego but since your MIL does this when your FIL is a man who doesn’t want her to “shrink” as you put it could it be a humility thing? I grew up in a family where if you boast about your achievements you weren’t humble. Even reading your post how you describe yourself is quite jarring to me since despite knowing I have brains due to my results I would never profess it openly even to my nearest and dearest, but rather wait for a compliment and accept it graciously. It’s not a criticism of you, it’s great to be bold and confident, but perhaps your husband has been brought up with the attitude that confidence=arrogance and humility is the more attractive trait. Of course I could be wrong and it could be the male ego thing but after reading your post I’m not so sure it is.

He feels threatened by your success. A man who is confident in his own abilities and has good self esteem wouldn't be concerned about it. Don't let him grind you down.

Your MIL is probably smarter than you take her for. If I was close I'd speak to her, find out her thoughts.

Twas ever thus unfortunately....

If you don't shut this down and resist the shrinking, in 10 or 20 years' time you'll be full of resentment. It could even kill your marriage. I don't pretend to know exactly how you can put a stop to it, but perhaps you could see what happens if you stop talking about work with him, or say a curt "hm" and change the subject if he starts being condescending.

I don’t think my husband has ever ‘picked apart’ things I’ve done-that doesn’t sound healthy or kind.

I would stop telling him so much detail about cases at work, I think. I’d focus on other things when you talk about your day-‘you’ll never guess what X told me about her holiday’ or ‘ was so busy today, I didn’t even have a cup of tea’ etc. if you have recognised telling him specifics causes some mansplaining…

Thought it would be a big gap. I'm guessing you were a hot young thing looking up to him when you got together and now you're a mature, capable woman who has surpassed him.

Sorry not really sure how to placate an old man's ego, they're insufferable.

okay, so that’s not you asking him if you were right, or you seeking validation. It’s you wanting a regular chat about your work day and to decompress, and him going into his default teaching/lecturing/Professor mode (I appreciate there are other knowledge industries than education, it’s just an example) and analysing what you did. You basically just want to express your feelings about the day and for him to go yes, right, of course, yes, right but he’s giving you a post-mortem where he would have done it better. Theoretically and abstractly because he didn’t actually have to do it, you did.

He does not see you as an equal. If I had the answer to that, I would not be single. You could try challenging this behaviour every time and see if he stops or just switches to some other way of putting you down.

Oh dear, this kind of thing is a pain.
I think the important thing is to stay steady about the things you know you know, whilst remaining interested in DH's opinions as a colleague who may have some useful input from time to time.

When i first got married my dh introduced me to my IT speciality, he helped me with understanding developers/engineers but my career in IT and his are different. He gives me an alternative view point and I can bounce ideas off him. But 20 odd years later I'm an expert in my field and know far more than him about it. I still bounce ideas to him but while he has good ideas he'll always 'defer?' To me as im the expert. I've worked hard to get to where I am.
I will not be 'small' and do not need husband validation but still appreciate his viewpoint and he'd never dream of making me feel less than.

This is on you OP, as you say you're asking for his approval even though you know you've done a good job.

I would keep your observations about his parents to yourself - no-one wants to hear their family being criticised and it will just put him on the defensive.

Instead of shrinking, why not push back if he is talking down to you or being condescending? Take the confidence that you feel in your professional life and bring it into your personal life. Try it and see what happens!

How you break it? firstly by not asking him for his opinions on everything you do. You say you are very good at what you and also say that he picks apart your work. Just stop asking. If he brings up work tell him vaguely and high level problem and just that you’ve got x in your team on it or you’re thinking about it. And then change the subject. Do it ever day for the next two months.

If you still feel the way you do then sit him down and talk to him. Tell him his behaviour with you and how you perceive and how it makes you feel. And that you’d like it to stop. Don’t project about his motives and don’t bring his parents into this. Leave that for a therapist if this problem persists.

OP doesn’t think her MIL is not smart, she says how clever and resourceful she is and that she acts dim. OP knows how smart her MIL is

Don't talk about his parents - talk about HIM. Every time he does something that puts you down and makes you feel like the "little wifey" then tell him. He may not even be aware he is doing it. Put your big wife pants on and speak up - do NOT shrink!!!!!!

Stop asking his opinion.

I think this is good advice.
I would be curious after that to see if he pushes to find ways to make you feel uncomfortable or small which are different.
(but I am speaking here from the point of view of having an ex who was like this and when I stopped providing the ‘in’, he switched tactics in various ways including trying to provoke me into discussions about things he knew were weak points; once I saw it, I could not unsee it. Hopefully this will not be the situation here).
If it helps to ‘download’ your day from your brain, then a journal, digital or real, is a good idea. I use the notes app on my phone. It’s also helpful because you can read back and have a record of how your thinking developed, what ideas you had, and how you managed situations (and it does not tell you what to do better, you kind of think yourself as you go along).