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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice on sex life please!! Losing the will.

26 replies

Catloverlady · 13/03/2026 12:28

waning sex life here. Complicated lives.
10 year old sleeps in our bed as he’s not happy alone. We have tried everything and exhausted all options - sleeping with his siblings, sleeping on our floor on inflatable etc. Sleeping beside him. We have now ordered a large bed for his room
and we will move there once it arrives but it’s weeks away!! As he will be asleep in our bed (previously OH and mine now sons and mine :/) and won’t notice then.
OH sleeps in spare room as he has snoring issues and gets up at 5 every day to workout so doesn’t went to disturb me.
works a full on job very focused on work. He rarely WFH on occasion we have that opportunity but other than that nothing, nada.
Im feeling a little frustrated as I know it’s a difficult situation but feels disconnected and unhealthy. Not sure how OH manages denies he does anything but I’m sure he must do. Always a tricky topic somehow and he isn’t keen on discussing. How am I to survive as a woman with sexual needs ??! Anyone been in this scenario that can share some hope!!

OP posts:
NobodysChildNow · 13/03/2026 14:26

I’m confused. Is this your youngest dc?

So your plan is to let him fall asleep in your bed, then you will leave ds sleeping there whilst you move to the large bed that you’re putting in ds bedroom and where dh will in future be sleeping with you? Unless dh snores then dh will move to the spare room, you’ll be in ds room, and ds will be in your room?

Forgive me, but I have to say this sounds barmy!

Do you have to lie down with your son to help him fall asleep? How do your other kids cope with that? My ten year old’s bed time was 9.30pm and honestly it won’t be long before your son will have his own needs… you can’t seriously be thinking this is a long term solution - your ds sleeping will still be sleeping /wanking in your bedroom when he’s a teen!

Regarding your own sex life: honestly the best and healthiest thing is not to give up getting ds in his own room. Sort that, then the rest will be ok.

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 13/03/2026 14:29

@Catloverlady Our almost 6 yo still gets in with us every night so I know it's not easy.
The only thing I can think of is some DH time if he can WFH but I assume you're working yourself if your young man is 10 so that may not be possible?

Member24 · 13/03/2026 14:36

Firstly you’ve got to get your son out of the bed a your OH needs to start sleeping in the bed with you. Does he snore on his side?
You’ve got to prioritise your marriage and sex life right now, it doesn’t look good.
Sorry to hear so blunt but I managed to fix my sex life this way in my marriage. We wasn’t having sex and our son was always in the bed. OH would sleep on the sofa. He leaves the house every day at 5am and also said he didn’t want to disturb me, he also snores.
I spoke to a dear friend who spoke as bluntly as I have to you OP. Long story short I got our son out the bed and told DH he’s got to sleep in the bed with me , regardless of the snoring or getting up at 5am. When he snores I pushed him to his side and he tip toes out the bedroom when he leaves for work. Our sex life is fantastic now and we cuddle in bed, it’s saved our marriage.

LizzieSaid · 13/03/2026 19:35

Catloverlady · 13/03/2026 12:28

waning sex life here. Complicated lives.
10 year old sleeps in our bed as he’s not happy alone. We have tried everything and exhausted all options - sleeping with his siblings, sleeping on our floor on inflatable etc. Sleeping beside him. We have now ordered a large bed for his room
and we will move there once it arrives but it’s weeks away!! As he will be asleep in our bed (previously OH and mine now sons and mine :/) and won’t notice then.
OH sleeps in spare room as he has snoring issues and gets up at 5 every day to workout so doesn’t went to disturb me.
works a full on job very focused on work. He rarely WFH on occasion we have that opportunity but other than that nothing, nada.
Im feeling a little frustrated as I know it’s a difficult situation but feels disconnected and unhealthy. Not sure how OH manages denies he does anything but I’m sure he must do. Always a tricky topic somehow and he isn’t keen on discussing. How am I to survive as a woman with sexual needs ??! Anyone been in this scenario that can share some hope!!

Be the parent! He doesn't NEED to sleep in your bed, you are enabling him to. He is 10 years old, not a toddler. He may cry the first few nights, but once he knows the boundary is set and he can't push the envelope anymore he will be fine. You are trying to be the best friend instead. The mantra you should adopt is "hard choices now, easy road for your son later"Same applies if you clean up aftet him. He is functional enough to learn how to clean up after himself. You are there to guide him.Do this and your sex life will be fine 🙂

BreakingBroken · 13/03/2026 20:11

Midday sex, book it in the calendar just like a dental appointment

BauhausOfEliott · 13/03/2026 20:23

BreakingBroken · 13/03/2026 20:11

Midday sex, book it in the calendar just like a dental appointment

I would imagine most people are work during the week and have their kids at home during the weekend, so not sure how they’re going to have a shag at midday on a regular basis

Laiste · 13/03/2026 20:27

Time to get your kid out of your bed and your husband back in.

BreakingBroken · 13/03/2026 20:27

@BauhausOfEliott surely once a week or two is better than nothing and like i said people manage medical/dental booking from work simply fit it in.

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 13/03/2026 20:35

@BreakingBroken Teachers don't 😀

xXMummyTo6Xx · 13/03/2026 20:47

at 10 years old he should be sleeping in his own room/own bed! sounds like its just a spoilt child just trying to dictate.. "not happy" what aload of rubbish! You're the adult/parent not HIM!.. only 3 more years until he's in his teens and probably goes through puberty so what will you do then if it doesn't change now!!?? you're allowing it the more you keeping agreeing to have him in your bed/room sharing, instead of saying YES say NO!!

BreakingBroken · 13/03/2026 21:23

@Youshouldbestrongerthanme no teachers are not allowed to have friends, have any life other than caring for the pfb's of other people and certainly NOT take time off for dental care/medical appointments/car maintenance or sex.
thankfully i have many teacher friends who do take appropriate time off.

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 13/03/2026 21:27

@BreakingBroken I'm no longer a teacher thank God. We were told in no uncertain terms medical appts could not be taken in term time unless classed as an emergency. All routine appts of any nature had to be taken in holidays.
And if you think teachers take time off for car maintenance or sex you are living in cloud cuckoo land!!!

BreakingBroken · 13/03/2026 21:31

@Youshouldbestrongerthanme my teacher friends sure do take their time off.
when you die you can't take your accumulated sick time with you, no one gives you a metal for working while in dental pain. teachers are not superhero's and responsible for the weight of the world, nor are nurses. people need to take their time off as they so choose, and that includes working on spousal relationships.

LizzieSaid · 13/03/2026 21:33

@BreakingBroken @Youshouldbestrongerthanme

Hold up a sec, the popcorn is still in the microwave 😝

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 13/03/2026 21:34

@BreakingBroken Oh.they lie, you mean? Because I can't imagine any teacher asking for time off to "work on a spousal relationship." Especially not if they can't take time off for routine medical/dental appts and definitely not for car maintenance!
What do you mean by "accumulated sick time"?

Pricelessadvice · 13/03/2026 21:36

A 10 year old child should not be sleeping in his parents bed. You need to insist he sleeps in his own bed. He’s not a toddler or a young child, he’s not far off going to secondary school.

Coffeislife · 13/03/2026 21:36

If husband is in the spare room can you not join him there after son asleep ?🤔

I do agree he shouldn't be falling asleep in there with you anyway but thats sounds like something that is going to take a while to figure out. It is not normal though

Jopo12 · 13/03/2026 21:41

Our son slept with us until 2 weeks before his 10th birthday. We got him out of our bed with bribery ( we brined with Prime drink, but whatever is "in" will work!). But we had tried for years to kick him out and clearly this was just the time he was ready

About 18 months later we started having sex again.

It's tough. I really do know this from first hand experience. But you will find a way past it. First step get him out of your bed then see what happens!

Btw, no pubescent boy is going to be sleeping on his parents" bed, so worst case scenario is you have wait until his urges kick in!

BreakingBroken · 13/03/2026 23:33

really it's not rocket science it's none of your employers business why you need time off "mental health day" or any other type of reason and you take your time off just like every one else does. it's certainly better to book as an appointment and take the afternoon or the morning vs the entire day.
teachers have the right to time off for illness and illness can certainly include relationship issues.

Youshouldbestrongerthanme · 14/03/2026 00:57

@BreakingBroken Tell me you have no idea about teaxhing without telling me you have no idea about teaching.
Anyone who has ever been a teacher can put you straight on this one.
Although tbh I don't think you could genuinely just call in of a morning and say "I'm taking a mental health day off" or a "relationship day off" in most professions. Having said that, teaching is all I have ever really known in 20 plus years so I could be wrong here.
And yes, I'm glad I'm out of it now.
Imagine the OP calling up her work and saying "Sorry - can't come in today - I need to have sex with my husband."
Yeah, right.

SnowFrogJelly · 14/03/2026 01:07

10 year old in your bed.. how ridiculous?! As for the palaver of creeping out when he’s asleep fgs be a parent and sort this!

happysinglemama · 14/03/2026 02:24

Be the parent be firm be assertive. He will be in high school this September how did this even happen??

LBFseBrom · 14/03/2026 02:49

Can't you have sex when your son is asleep, in another room? I'm sure that is manageable, where there's a will there's a way.

holachicatita · 14/03/2026 08:13

I'm confused, if your husband is in the spare room, why can't you join him in there for half an hour while your son is sleeping??

nc43214321 · 14/03/2026 09:35

Yep sorry 10 year old needs to learn how to sleep alone, unless he has learning difficulties. No need to take time off work etc. not sure if there is a sleep consultant out there but this kind attachment can not be healthy. If anything I would be putting my husband with him and having the spare room. I am a strict mum about sleep routine but I need my sleep to function and have sex 🤣.