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Should I finish it with him.

39 replies

JL2026 · 13/03/2026 08:55

I'm a 42 year old woman who's been dating a 39 year old man who I met online for 9 weeks. In those 9 weeks we've had 2 dates a week. In the weeks that we've been dating we've only been out for food on 3 occasions. 2 occasions we were out going for a walk and he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere to get food because HE was hungry. I said yes to both times. Another occasion he said about us going out for food because he had seen a place online that does two for one meals. Once again I agreed to go to this place. Other than those 3 occasions all we ever do is cook at his place or mine in the evening then go to bed and have sex. If I ever suggest a place to go, he doesn't want to go out. They are not expensive places that I suggest either. The one time I suggested going to eat out for breakfast and he didn't want to go because he said it's cheaper to eat in. The week after was the time we went out for food because it was a two for one offer. The first date we had was just going for coffee then a long walk then he invited himself over to my place where we made out but didn't have sex. Although he didn't leave until 2am so I'm not sure if he was hoping to get sex and gave up at 2am and that's why he left. The next 3 dates after this we went for a walk, spent time at his place then I stayed over his place and slept in the same bed but without sex. Although we didn't have sex on these 3 dates but he did want me to give him a 'handjob'. On the 4th date I stayed over again which is when we started having sex. He seems to not want to spend money on dates, hence why we stay in. He has even admitted to being stingy. I know he's not stingy when it comes to himself because he's mentioned how he wants to buy himself a bike and he talks about spending money on other things and he's ordered items from the internet etc. I ask him what he's ordered and he tells me it's expensive shoes. So it seems he's only stingy when it comes to going out on dates with me. Just to point out, I always offer to pay for myself so if we did go out on dates he only ever has to pay for himself. He can be a bit critical of small little things like washing the dishes. The other day I was washing up in his house (because I offered) and he stood there and watched me. When I asked why he was watching, he replied "you're not rinsing the bubbles off right". On a few occasions he's said something but I haven't heard what he's said so I've said "say that again because I didn't catch what you said sorry". His reply has been "oh never mind". He seems to say it with a bit of attitude as well. He has criticised a few other things as well or the way I'm doing it, normally cooking. But funnily enough on the other hand he seems a nice guy. I've had an aunt who I was very close to die very recently and he appears quite understanding about it. Just before she died she was very poorly because she had cancer. Because of this he said "if you want time out of dating because of your aunt being ill, just say". At the time I told him I didn't want time out and that I want to carry on dating him. With this he appeared happy that I chose to carry on dating him. I'm not sure what to do. Do I carry on dating him because there is a nice part of him and it appears that he really likes me, or do I finish it with him because of him being stingy when it comes to dates and his attitude sometimes.

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 13/03/2026 08:59

He sounds stingy and a bit dull to me.

Wishimaywishimight · 13/03/2026 08:59

I only got halfway through before thinking 'what a shit 'relationship' only 9 weeks in. Why are you pursuing this? It should be fun, not going to someone's house for dinner followed by washing up and a hand-job. I would rather stay home and watch Corrie.

Revavalley · 13/03/2026 09:02

Dump him just for being over critical, red flag in itself. Stingy is NOT a good trait either but 9 weeks in.....cut your losses

TwistedWonder · 13/03/2026 09:09

He’s a low effort tight arse. Early dating for me is all about having great dates and making nice memories not skipping straight to the married couple watching tv on the sofa stage after a few weeks/months. And tbh he sounds like a bit of a twat. The washing up comment - i would have told him to do it himself

In your shoes I’d be gone - I want the fun of dating not just Netflix and chill.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2026 09:10

Cut your losses and do not date further until your boundaries are healthier. Men like this can and do wreck boundaries. He’s a walking red flag in terms if being critical and tight fisted. Mean with money mean with love.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 13/03/2026 09:17

Gentle reminder that 9 weeks in this is the supposed ‘honeymoon’ period….

BauhausOfEliott · 13/03/2026 09:20

Jesus, why on earth are you putting up with this? He’s awful. And it’s only been nine weeks. This is him on his best behaviour. It’s not going to get better.

inkognitha · 13/03/2026 09:24

He is stingy, don’t give handjobs because you’re not ready for sex, don’t go sleep or bring him home or stay at his place this early, raise your bar and ditch him.

SpringhasSprung26 · 13/03/2026 09:26

It doesn’t take long for most men to want to just stay in and ‘cook.’ Aka sex or in your case a handjob.

I hate the type of relationship that starts like that as it remains like that in my experience and you end up never going anywhere.

HortiGal · 13/03/2026 09:32

My face halfway through 😒
Clearly wants a ride with no effort to treat you well; in the bin for him.

Endofyear · 13/03/2026 09:43

If he's making this little effort in the first 9 weeks of your relationship, it will only get worse. Dump him!

LadyHexham · 13/03/2026 09:47

Is the sex mind-blowing?

Calendulaaria · 13/03/2026 09:52

I felt a bit depressed for you reading that. I had low self esteem back when I was dating, so I get having low standards. I think you're worth more than what this guy is offering. I think you can do better.

Beamur · 13/03/2026 09:55

Yes. Sounds dull.

Lurkingandlearning · 13/03/2026 10:00

Please don't put too much store in his reaction to your aunt dying. Being considerate when someone is bereaved is the very least someone can offer a person they spend time with, friend, colleague whatever, but even more so someone you are in an intimate relationship with.

I wouldn't continue dating someone new who was unwilling or unable to spend the same as me on dates. If someone I'd been with for a while fell on hard times that would be different. But early on I wouldn't want my social life limited so much by someone else's budget.

I would be more concerned about him critiquing your housekeeping skills. How can there be a right way and a wrong way to rinse washing up? If it's rinsed, it's rinsed. It seems to me he is taking tentative steps towards controlling behaviour and seeing how much you will tolerate and how quickly he can escalate it so you will be completely submissive. Don't expect any two for the price of one meals out once you reach that point.

The early days of a relationship are pretty much the best it will ever be. The excitement and, to some extent, the effort slacken off. In good relationships different deeper feelings replace those things. This is his best and I think, as you've posted here, that is not good enough for you and nor should it be. End it and find someone who deserves you.

canisquaeso · 13/03/2026 10:41

If he’s like this already, it won’t get any better. He’s either skint or stingy, none bode well at his big age.

You also only mention dating but not a relationship - I’d be wondering who else he’s dating and if he’s saving his dating efforts for someone else.

JL2026 · 13/03/2026 10:49

LadyHexham · 13/03/2026 09:47

Is the sex mind-blowing?

It's ok but I can't say it's mind blowing

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 13/03/2026 11:01

Mate, come on. Stop with the washing up, stop with the hand jobs and stop tolerating below average sex. Life is too sort for this sort of stuff.

pinkyredrose · 13/03/2026 11:06

Get rid of this boring twat. Why the hell did you offer to do his washing up, does he offer at your place?

Thundertoast · 13/03/2026 11:08

OP, can I ask - what feelings do you think you should ideally be feeling during the early dating stage with someone? Because it sounds like you are dating him because he's there, as opposed to because he excites you and seems like a potentially good person to have in your life. Thats not a criticism, its just that sometimes because of bad experiences ourselves, the relationships around us not being great and having constant low levels of boredom, conflict, taking someone for granted etc, it can be hard to understand whats normal or what is right for you.
Does any of this resonate with you?

SeekingPerspective · 13/03/2026 11:12

this sounds pretty joyless to me, I'm happy to pay my way but would want to do more than 'netflix an chill'. As for having my cooking or washing up skills commented on unfavouraably, I'd stop immediatly and leave it for them to do 'properly' becuase really, why would you?

There is one couple i know who really are both happy with ultra low spend and 'just staying at home' . if that's not you, then, what are you doing putting up with this joyless existance.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2026 11:15

And please stop doing his washing up in his house. You're acting like a mother figure or maid servant.

Why are you putting up with this from a man?. Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship?. What happened to you to get you to such a low point in your life?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

JL2026 · 13/03/2026 11:19

I was just being kind that's all as he was doing the cooking at the time. It was only on the one occasion. Yes he has done the washing up at my place

OP posts:
JL2026 · 13/03/2026 11:22

Your comment sounds a little harsh

OP posts:
ananasfritz · 13/03/2026 11:27

Do I carry on dating him because there is a nice part of him and it appears that he really likes me.

These are not reasons to date someone. Most people have something positive about them if you try hard enough to find it, and his "liking" you is a reason for HIM to stay in the relationship, not for YOU to stay. Figure out what you want in a relationship, communicate and compromise on the little things, but cut your losses when it's simply not making you happy or improving your life.

Also, "if you want time out of dating because of your aunt being ill, just say" is really weird. You don't have an obligation to "date" him, and you're not asking for time off school or work. In a healthy and mutually supporting relationship he'd be providing you a little bit of comfort and support in a difficult time (as you would with him when needed), not offering you a hall pass.