After years solo, I’d like a partner but dread dating apps

[InTheSkyAtNight]

This feels a bit sad to admit, but I think I might have reached the stage where I’d quite like a husband.

Not because I need one before anyone says it! I’ve been on my own for 9 years since my last relationship ended and I’ve managed perfectly well so I know I’m capable of being on my own.

But recently I’ve had a few moments where I’ve thought… actually it might be quite nice not to have to do absolutely everything on my own forever.

I think I’m just a bit tired of always being the only adult in the room dealing with things. When something goes wrong, it’s me. When there’s a decision to make, it’s me. When something breaks, guess who’s sorting it!

Im not looking for someone to rescue me from life just someone to share it with a bit. Someone who cares if you’re having a rubbish day, or who you can moan to but I’ve realised I do miss having a “person”.

Trouble is the idea of actually dating again fills me with horror. Especially apps but it would be the only way for me to actually meet someone.

Surely I can’t be the only one who’s had this moment after years of happily doing life solo? Anyone else feel the same and where to you begin to find someone?

I thinks apps are one way but not the only way, speaking for my experience, I’ve recently started a new job and also a second job which involved working away briefly and that opened up new ways to meet men, a relationship hasn’t come from it yet but I definitely had a good time.
Also studying a course or hobby could open up a new way to meet someone. A change of what you do in life needs to happen it won’t just find you.

Surely I can’t be the only one who’s had this moment after years of happily doing life solo? Anyone else feel the same and where to you begin to find someone?

Coincidentally I happened to ask chat gpt the same question today. Where to begin? The answer I got was basically to "increase the number of paths where someone compatible might cross yours". I like the simplicity of that. To me, it basically means doing things you enjoy, as you might meet someone who enjoys doing those same things. Like you, joining apps fills me with dread, although I did think of joining a matchmaking service. Anyone had any experience with those (and any luck)?

Why would apps be the only way to meet someone? People successfully met other people before the invention of apps. Chat to people wherever you go, be open to every opportunity, you never know when it’s going to happen. I met the love of my life, unexpectedly, walking the dog.

Ah that’s nice but men don’t approach me 🤣 I’ve been single a good number of years now and men do not approach me, they use to when I was younger but not now!

I should have added I work from home so I can’t meet anyone through work.

If you do go on an app you will be shocked by the messages you get! My friend started on them a few months back and it’s crazy what 90% of the men say and expect.

But….there are normal, regular, decent people on there. And for a lot of people it’s the only way to connect with a wide range of people and it can work. Just be prepared for it to be so much more messed up than you expect!

watching with interest. I could have written your posts above, right down to the working from home bit - same scenario entirely . I can’t bear the thought of internet dating or the possibility of being spotted on there by younger colleagues who might have laugh about it . I used to get a lot of attention, but post 50 not really. Plus, having coped with everything on my own for so long, my resilience seems to have made me a bit unapproachable or ‘scary’ so I’m told. The suggestions I’ve had are joining clubs/hobbies with lots of men in, but few that have mentioned would interest me if I’m honest.

Apps are for sex not a relationship

Go to real life dating events. They can be fairly casual (not as pressurised as you may think), and you can make friends (of either sex), so not just purely for dating, but that is the main aim.

Apps are dying and honestly you'll waste hours on them (particularly if you follow some oft-mentioned app usage methods) and not actually been social or progressed anywhere.

Otherwise you'll get the stereotypical responses here about joining a hiking club, or volunteering/hobbies, because the assumption is that everyone is single and desperate to hook-up there. I spoke to someone who actually joined a hiking club for this purpose and everyone was already married!

I hear you OP, sometimes being the strong independent woman sucks! But I've now found a partner who complements my life, and we share the good and bad bits. I still do all of the stuff I did before - what you mentioned - When something goes wrong, it’s me. When there’s a decision to make, it’s me. When something breaks, guess who’s sorting it! But now I have someone I trust who helps me talk through decisions, he's not handy so I still have to sort fixing things lol but you know what I find most enriching? I am happy where I am, I am happy where my life is - this meant I was super strong when I joined the apps and knew what was and was not what I was looking for. Neither of us is perfect but he and I were both comfortable with who we are, then we found each other and it works.

You will need that confidence in yourself before joining the apps, because they are riddled with scummy men who are just yuk. You've got to try and see it for what it is - the online version of when going on a night out would include men hitting on you that you didn't want to get to know. I didn't take no messing with any of them, always met quickly for a vibe check date (coffee or 1 drink) and was clear with anyone that there would be no physical intimacy for the first three months of dating. It weeds out a lot very quickly lol.

I was in those exact shoes exactly a year ago although had been single 16 years.
I started OLD and it’s been an interesting year meeting a few men in person and talking to dozens more. I have met some nice men and have learnt a great deal about myself which I didn’t expect to. I’ve just recently begun a relationship which will be the first proper one and I met him on Tinder.
OLD is time consuming, frustrating and can be a minefield but in my case I was determined to keep going until I met someone I liked and I don’t regret anything, overall I have rediscovered my self confidence and sexuality which was a win in itself.

I’ve not joined a match dating service but I did apply to the Guardians Blind Date section. I’m not expecting a response though!

Increasing paths seems the logical way to meet more people and increase the chances of meeting someone.

There’s a few wine tasting and dinner orientated Meet Up groups near me and others for general nights out, so I might give those a try. It can’t do any harm (other than a potential hangover).

It amazes me that whenever someone asks for alternatives to the apps, people respond with "use the apps".

Me too @ocelot3 - am in a similar position x

Have you tried approaching men?

What socialising do you do?

Honestly no, I rarely find anyone attractive I’ve seen out. I usually have to get to know someone a bit before I feel attracted to them. The only man I’ve found attractive since I’ve been single happened to be married (I did some digging) so I’m pretty glad I didn’t make a fool of myself!

But this is surely the same on the dating apps only more so?

All the more reason to concentrate on socialising at meetups, clubs, activities, etc.

I was in the very same position 2 years ago. I had stayed away from relationships to raise my daughter for around 13 years. I dated a little but I didn't want men in and out of her life.

I joined the apps and what others have said is absolutely true. You will get the weirdest propositions and messages but if you are truly ready to put yourself out there and make the effort (and have the patience) there are good guys on there looking for relationships too. You just have to learn how to identify the ones that aren't.

Join the apps and go on dates, enjoy the dating part and you've got nothing to lose. You might meet your person!

I met my partner of now 2 years on Tinder. He asked me out almost instantly and we've been together ever since.

Unfortunately having been where you are, I've concluded it's very difficult to meet someone romantically off the apps unless you are a) above average attractiveness and b) very outgoing and socially busy. The pool is that much smaller than it was when we were in our twenties and we're (as a generation) generally less inclined to go out, people wfh now etc. so you just don't encounter enough people who are also looking. The only way I've seen it happen is through people being introduced through friends.

You can either decide that a romantic interest is a secondary desire and develop hobbies, interests etc that might, if you're lucky, lead you to meet someone. This wasn't for me as I felt I was investing a lot of time and social energy for something that was a big lottery in terms of meeting someone romantically. There just weren't enough eligible men at generic social/hobby events. So the other choice if you're set on a relationship (as I am) is to suck up the good and bad that comes with the apps, hard work though they are at times.

OP I’m in exactly the same boat. I’m on Bumble and Tinder and swipe now and then to see who’s on but it’s normally all left swipes! I’m mid 50’s and most of the men just seem so old - it’s like sometimes they pick the worst ever photos of themselves - blurry/ selfie up the nose/ topless photo lying in a bed etc - I realise I’m older looking now too but ….
I did meet someone a couple of months back , had two dates actually and he was a nice chap however there wasn’t attraction on my side so I politely declined any further dates.
im taking a rest at the moment as I have a school age child so it’s not easy for me to have lots of free time for dates - I’m thinking I’d be better off waiting a few years until my DD is older.

This just reads "there's not much hope so you might as well just keep using the apps that haven't been successful so far".

Because people are WFH, and you're lacking any social connectivity why do you just want to further sit at home and swipe on an app? There will be eligible men at singles events (and they do them for loads of different age groups), and you will go out and actually speak to people!

I'm in exactly the same situation OP. I've been single since I left ds' dad. Ds is off to university in September and as you say, it would be nice to have some adult conversation, some affection, someone to share things with.

I don't need anything. I have career, house, pension etc. And I dread dating apps.

So I'm taking a couple of classes, joined a sports club. Getting out there more. Here's hoping.

You’ve actually got a good chance of finding a successful relationship because you’re clearly successful, independent and content being single . Your self-esteem is high (presumably!) and you’ll have firm boundaries. Where things go tits up is when someone approaches the pursuit of a relationship from a place of need / desperation.

Agree with others, get out there - new hobbies, meet up events etc. How old are you? If you’re under 30 or over 50, I think you’ll have more luck than 30-50. Under 30 = the pool is plenty deep, most people are single. Over 50 = transfer period, lots of divorcees, any stepchildren will be older. Best of luck.

Just be friendly to everyone you meet in real life. After my divorce I had zero expectation of meeting another man as no way would I do / apps. Met two men (sequentially) in real life. First was when I was 60 -mutual interest hobby - lasted two years. Then current a year ago through same mutual hobby interest.
Neither of those (very good) men would have gone on apps.

Go on the apps

What you put out you get back. You have to make an effort, unfortunately! Lol