Is it really worth the stress to try to get more than 50% in a divorce?

[Bluecinnamon]

I really don't know what to do. I was married for 20 years. We have two dc, aged 17 and 15.

My ex was the main breadwinner, he worked in a well paid professional job for 3 or 4 days a week. I was a stay at home mum. Our eldest has SEN and had a lot of time off school. I only worked part time, doing minimum wage jobs (but to be honest, I didn't have a career beforehand, I have autism and ADHD and struggled with work). I did around 90% of childcare and 100% of housework, garden, organising, everything else.

When my ex and I separated, I stayed in the family home with the kids, and he is renting nearby. We're going to have to sell the family home this year as we can't afford the mortgage plus everything else.

My ex stopped work a few years ago as he had mental health problems. He is currently getting some medical insurance that pays about one third of what his salary was. He could potentially go on getting this until he is 60. He's currently 52 and doesn't plan to go back to work again. He says he wouldn't be able to cope with work any more - I'm honestly not sure if that's the case or if it's that he just doesn't really want to, as he never liked working.

I have a minimum wage job.

We've had the house valued and when we work everything out, if we split everything 50/50, I will have around £300k to buy a house. The problem is that that will not be enough to buy a 3 bedroom house for me and the kids in this area. My ex always said that he was planning to move up north in the next few years, where house prices are cheaper.

He said to me from the start that he was happy with a 50/50 share of everything - the house equity, and both our pensions (his is much bigger than mine), and he would also pay maintenance. I was fine with this until I realised I wouldn't be able to buy a house with the money I will have. I did some research, and got advice from people and it sounded like it would be a good idea to talk to a lawyer just to get some basic advice about my position. I spoke to an experienced family lawyer who said that I would definitely have a case for asking for more than 50%.

I told my ex today that I had spoken to a lawyer and what she had said. He went absolutely crazy. I'd forgotten what he was like. He shouted and swore at me, accused me of "trying to fleece him and get all his money" told me he could tell the lawyers some things about me if I "wanted to play dirty", that "women always win in these situations".

I tried to be so calm, rational and kept saying that it was stressful for us both but I didn't have enough money for a house, whereas he would have enough to buy one where he is going (up north). Itold him that i didn't want to fleece him, just have enough to buy a modest house for me and the dc. He then said that maybe he wouldn't move up north after all (when all he's been talking about for the last four years is moving there).

Ironically I'd been saying to the lawyer that he and I were amicable and that I would like to do a collaborative approach, as I wanted to remain friendly with him.

I'd forgotten what he can be like, as since we separated I've tried everything to stay amicable for the kids. But actually, his anger and emotional abuse were a large part of why I couldn't stay married to him.

Since we spoke I haven't been able to stop crying. It's just horrible to be shouted at and accused of all sorts of things. But what I'm wondering is - is any of this worth it?

I mean even if I get granted 60/40 of the house equity, that means I would get £360k rather than £300k. Is it worth a lifetime of anger, abuse, vitriol, him poisoning me against the kids? He would never forgive me for "winning" and "taking his money". We'd never again be amicable on family occasions.

I'm pretty sure I could borrow that extra £60k from a family member. I just don't know if I should do that, and just agree to 50/50 rather than go through all this stress.

I honestly don't know any more if I'm being greedy/ unreasonable to go for more than 50%.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Do you definately need a 3 bedroomed property - bear in mind that by the time the divorce goes through, at least one of your children will be an adult and possibly away at university.

In fact, reading that back, I'm not sure a judge will award you much more than 50% anyway bearing in mind you'll have no dependant children by the time divorce is finalised. The nearer the child is to the age of 18, the more likely the split is 50/50.

Also, your ex being off work on medical grounds means that he could potentially get more than 50% - if he is unable to work again.

I'd go for the 50% to be honest. How do the pensions look?

If he’s not going back to work then he won’t have an income. CM is a percentage of his income and I’m not sure that an insurance payout counts as income. Definitely check this with a lawyer.

You may have to rent or relocate if you want to earn a house outright. Don’t know how much legal fees are in an acrimonious divorce but if legal fees are £££ then you could end up with 300k.

You forgot the first rule of divorce. He’s not really your friend any more. Divorces aren’t always nasty but you aren’t his priority - especially if he finds a new partner and decides he wants to do things like buy with her. Be on your back foot and polite like you’re talking to a manager at work.

@mrbluebirdonmyshoulder thanks for your reply.

My 17 year old son has SEN, he currently works from home and I think he will probably be living with me/ my ex for at least the next 10 years.

But yes that makes sense that maybe I wouldn't get much more than 50% anyway.

@Snorlaxo thanks for letting me know that about CM and his insurance, I will look into that.

Yes exactly, the legal fees could be huge. I may even end up with less than 50%.

And yes, I have to keep remembering that he isn't my friend. I've always wanted to be collaborative with him, but I think that is probably a bit idealistic when it comes to a divorce.

Is your area the cheapest in the vicinity?

I agree that it's probably not going to be much different given the ages of your children.

Is it really going to be worth the aggravation?

Also, some solicitors will say anything to have you spending money!

I think you’re both quite lucky financially considering you have a minimum wage job and your husband has effectively retired at 52. I’d be grateful for the 50% to be honest.

@BoxingHare to get a 3 bedroom house for £300k I would need to move around an hour away. So my daughter wouldn't be able to go to her chosen sixth form. But as you say, given the ages of the children, I don't know if that would really be taken into account.

@Holdonforsummer thanks. I know, maybe I am lucky and should be grateful for the 50%.

I honestly don't know what to think any more, and what's reasonable or not.

Honestly, you’ll have a fight on your hands for more than 50%. Don’t underestimate the emotional cost of a contentious divorce, and the length of time that it will rumble on for. He has arguments to support him getting 50% (or more) and presumably he will use them. You could easily end up spending £20k each or more on legal fees.

Your children don’t need to be housed in the same area, and you don’t need a 3 bed house indefinitely. Take the 50% and either find a modest house in a different area or borrow the money.

"Is it worth a lifetime of anger, abuse, vitriol, him poisoning me against the kids?"

Sadly, this is likely to happen anyway, even if you were to sign the whole house over to him! He is an angry and abusive man, which is why you're leaving. Assume he will do his worst, no matter what you do, and then any cooperation from him will be a welcome surprise.

I agree with PP that it sounds unlikely that you'll get significantly more than 50% bearing in mind his ill health.

It might be worth asking him to split the house 60/40 in your favour if you agree not to claim your share of his pension? Given he wants to retire early, this might look attractive to him.

Yes of course you deserve more than 50/50. And you will get it too.
Also women get totally screwed over in terms of pension - you need a massive slice of his pension of course you do. You have been doing more than 50/50 of family life. I got a 60/40 split I was the higher earner but I had the children he didn’t. Also he was told by the judge that he wasn’t taking an of my pension - I was on maternity leave etc and it took a knock he didn’t and was building years whilst I was part time and three years nearly on maternity leave. He got promotions I didn’t.

@Bluecinnamon are you paying the mortgage yourself currently?

So to clarify you were fine with 50:50 until you realised you couldn’t buy a house with the money?

doesn’t sound a good reason from your perspective.

if it isn’t amicable then lawyers fees can be a lot of money. If the court take the view that your dh isn’t really capable of working again but you clearly are then you risk him being awarded more than 50%.

My now DH’s divorce/financial settlement took over 4 years, went to court, in total the legal and court fees were over £30,000 for him alone: The emotional toll was huge.

The judge makes a decision based on a balance of need and fairness. Given your ex can’t work for health reasons, I can’t see you getting awarded more than 50%. Any judge would also expect you to work and to consider moving to a cheaper area to meet your housing needs - especially as your children are older and wouldn’t be tied to an area by schooling.

😂 are you trolling? Why does she deserve more than 5050? Seeing as the kids are basically adults, the ex has no capacity for earning, and the OP has a full time job there's a strong chance she will get less than 5050 if she pushes it.

Given the ages of your kids, it's also likely that a judge would expect you to work full time if you're not already. Plus what is advised above.

Why can't you get a mortgage? I know your on minimum wage but you'd have a big deposit. How much do you want to spend on a house

So true. 50/50 sounds v fair. He’s also got housing needs. Solicitors will promise any possibilities to keep fees coming in.

Based on limited info here I don’t think there are materiel
grounds for major deviation from 50:50

if he fights this you could easily end up spending tens of thousands to get it to court let alone the emotional
fallout that will last forever.

you’ll need to weigh it up carefully. With his age and illness he don’t be considered as being able to rebuild his pot. You are working, and have two near young adult children / sen wil only be considered if it means they are unable to live independently

50/50 does sound most likely, but it doesnt have to be 50% of each element rather 50% of the whole pot. You could therefore look at offsetting a proportion of his pension in return for more equity from the house in order to meet your housing needs. That assumes he can meet his housing needs with less of the equity but sounds like he only needs a 1-2 bed? If kids not going to be staying with him regularly.

My divorce settlement was worked out as 70% of house and 25% of his pension which overall gave us both basically an equal share of the total pot (think it was 51/49 to me).

In terms of affordability for you - are you claiming everything you are entitled in terms of UC? Do you get PIP?

Have you had a mortgage capacity carried out? Are you still working part-time? If so are you not able to get a small mortgage on the basis of your income and benefits? If you are unable to work due to your ADHD/autism do you claim ESA?

Alternatively have you considered/explored shared ownership options?

Personally I would say it probably isn't worth the stress and costs of more than 50 l% overall, especially due to the ages of the children and your ex's own health and housing needs, however there could well be alternative ways to divide the pot.
Best of luck!

There will always be different views. When I got divorced solicitor said he'd get me more than 50% and I said no thanks. He couldn't accept it and kept pushing but finally gave in. We split the house 50/50 he kept his pension and I kept mine.

We weren't big friends but no agro which I thought was best for the kids. Our legal fees were small, he didn't even have a solicitor.

At the same time another family friend has an acrimonious divorce. Big fight about money. They sold the house but the money was held, not sure how that works, and they rented while the fight went on. In the end she got 60% but by the time they paid the solicitor and the rent she'd paid she got less than she'd have got originally plus he couldn't afford a house with 40% minus legal fees. Their child was upset with it all.

When mine grew up they told me divorce isn't ideal but they were so grateful we.dudnt have a war.

Only you know if it's worth it.

Because he has a pension ! I did explain that ….

He was happy to share pension 50/50.

I think your lawyer is taking you for a ride. Why would you get more than 50% just because you want to live in a more expensive area?

50/50 sounds fair imho. If £300k won’t get you a 3 bed you will either have to downsize (in my area a 3bed is 360 a 2 bed 280) or move to a cheaper area. I would personally move. New area, new start, new life and you will have a bit more space.