Is it really worth the stress to try to get more than 50% in a divorce?

[Bluecinnamon]

I really don't know what to do. I was married for 20 years. We have two dc, aged 17 and 15.

My ex was the main breadwinner, he worked in a well paid professional job for 3 or 4 days a week. I was a stay at home mum. Our eldest has SEN and had a lot of time off school. I only worked part time, doing minimum wage jobs (but to be honest, I didn't have a career beforehand, I have autism and ADHD and struggled with work). I did around 90% of childcare and 100% of housework, garden, organising, everything else.

When my ex and I separated, I stayed in the family home with the kids, and he is renting nearby. We're going to have to sell the family home this year as we can't afford the mortgage plus everything else.

My ex stopped work a few years ago as he had mental health problems. He is currently getting some medical insurance that pays about one third of what his salary was. He could potentially go on getting this until he is 60. He's currently 52 and doesn't plan to go back to work again. He says he wouldn't be able to cope with work any more - I'm honestly not sure if that's the case or if it's that he just doesn't really want to, as he never liked working.

I have a minimum wage job.

We've had the house valued and when we work everything out, if we split everything 50/50, I will have around £300k to buy a house. The problem is that that will not be enough to buy a 3 bedroom house for me and the kids in this area. My ex always said that he was planning to move up north in the next few years, where house prices are cheaper.

He said to me from the start that he was happy with a 50/50 share of everything - the house equity, and both our pensions (his is much bigger than mine), and he would also pay maintenance. I was fine with this until I realised I wouldn't be able to buy a house with the money I will have. I did some research, and got advice from people and it sounded like it would be a good idea to talk to a lawyer just to get some basic advice about my position. I spoke to an experienced family lawyer who said that I would definitely have a case for asking for more than 50%.

I told my ex today that I had spoken to a lawyer and what she had said. He went absolutely crazy. I'd forgotten what he was like. He shouted and swore at me, accused me of "trying to fleece him and get all his money" told me he could tell the lawyers some things about me if I "wanted to play dirty", that "women always win in these situations".

I tried to be so calm, rational and kept saying that it was stressful for us both but I didn't have enough money for a house, whereas he would have enough to buy one where he is going (up north). Itold him that i didn't want to fleece him, just have enough to buy a modest house for me and the dc. He then said that maybe he wouldn't move up north after all (when all he's been talking about for the last four years is moving there).

Ironically I'd been saying to the lawyer that he and I were amicable and that I would like to do a collaborative approach, as I wanted to remain friendly with him.

I'd forgotten what he can be like, as since we separated I've tried everything to stay amicable for the kids. But actually, his anger and emotional abuse were a large part of why I couldn't stay married to him.

Since we spoke I haven't been able to stop crying. It's just horrible to be shouted at and accused of all sorts of things. But what I'm wondering is - is any of this worth it?

I mean even if I get granted 60/40 of the house equity, that means I would get £360k rather than £300k. Is it worth a lifetime of anger, abuse, vitriol, him poisoning me against the kids? He would never forgive me for "winning" and "taking his money". We'd never again be amicable on family occasions.

I'm pretty sure I could borrow that extra £60k from a family member. I just don't know if I should do that, and just agree to 50/50 rather than go through all this stress.

I honestly don't know any more if I'm being greedy/ unreasonable to go for more than 50%.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

50/50 isn't really fair if you would end up actually worse off than him because of your limited earning power and if it's likely you'll be the one continuing to support and care for your SEN son in your home.

I mean, why should he get to retire early if you're going to end up slogging your guts out for minimum wage until you drop?

I'm sure he can be amicable while he gets everything his way, but you've got to think about what life will actually look like with that split. And once you are divorced, you can limit his access to you.

Maybe get another legal opinion to see if that solicitor was being realistic.

Don't be bullied into accepting a worse deal than you should get.

On the other hand if he can't work due to mental health condition and OP can work maybe he'd get more than 50%

I think in this situation it will be more likely to be 50:50 as the kids are not young and your DH is unable to work.

Even if your DS is unlikely to go to uni your daughter might. You are unlikely to have both kids living with your for the next 10 years so you may have to consider a 2 bed. Then maybe pop a sofa bed in a downstairs room. You won’t be entitled to a 3 bedroom house in your chosen area with kids of that age.

Also. Is there any possibility of working your way up from the minimum wage job? I get it when kids are younger and you need to be around for them but as they get older. You could still have 10-15 working years ahead of you.

You won’t be getting any maintenance from your DH due to him retiring. I’d be focusing on my career.

Solicitors will often tell you what you want to hear in my experience. My DM was told she had a good case for more than 50%- £45,000 in legal fees later and she didn't get a penny more than 50%. It was a complete waste of time and money.

If you go legal, the vultures, sorry lawyers will take 20%, so you might get 50% and ex 30 instead of an amicable 60/40. Plus years of stress. On that basis you might as well settle for 50/50 now (although it's possible a judge won't sign it off anyway if it doesn't look fair).

Also bear in mind your eldest DC will likely be 18 by the time the legalities get sorted out, so legally his need for housing will no longer be a factor.

You need full financial disclosure to be able to negotiate. That includes CETV of both your pensions so you know what total marital assets are. You are just focusing on housing equity.

With regard to capacity to earn it’s not clear if you are able to work full time or if your husband has been medically deemed incapable of any form of work or whether he has taken voluntary retirement (if he has retired) or whether he just chooses not to work due to receipt of medical insurance payments and how this affects ongoing pension accrual.

If this were contested through court both of your earning capacity would be examined and he would required to submit robust medical evidence of incapacity for any form of work.

Also it’s not clear whether maintenance refers to child maintenance (which is time-limited) or spousal maintenance.

50:50 split of assets sounds fair in the abstract but may not be fair when all factors are taken into account. Even if the overall split of assets is fair, pension on divorce can be treated differently and can be offset against other assets. You don’t have to do pension sharing and defer receipt of 50:50. You can take a lower pension share in exchange for a higher share of house equity. It’s still 50:50 but structured differently.

it’s not clear whether your husband is kicking off because you want to pursue 60:40 split of total assets (including pensions) or want to trade pension split to increase equity split.

I am self representing in a contested divorce so legal fees are not necessarily relevant.

Some solicitors feed parties a line. My ex husband was told by his solicitor he should have 70% so he offered me 30. My solicitor told me at the outset it would be pretty much 50-50 with a small departure in my direction due to loss of earnings during the child rearing years.

due to the ridiculous advice he ran up legal bills of 100k. Mine were no where near that as my solicitor and I would t get drawn in to a lot of the nonsense.

we settled at the court room door 2 and a half years later for exactly what my solicitor said in our first phone call.

a waste of so much time and money and the loss of years of both our lives and 160k in solicitor and barrister fees.

Maybe take that drive and energy you would be channeling into lawyer stuff, and funnel it into retraining or getting a better job

COuld you suggest a slightly different 50/50 so you get more of the proceeds of the house, he gets more of his pension? Then you have x no of years to build up your pension or you can downsize your house before you retire.