does anyone else find motherhood has made them lonelier than ever?

[mrsshackleton]

Feeling very right now and need to vent a bit
I've always been a very popular person, had tons of friends and they've been very important to me.
But now have two dds, 3 and 1, work four days a week from home and my friendships seem to be unravelling at the speed of light.
A lot of it is fitting in neither camp, because I work from home have no work mates and have little time to cultivate mummy mates (have absolutely no idea how you do that anyway as have no practice and find the whole idea of nobbling other mums v scary). Am in London and old friends usually live too far away to see easily with small kids - it can take an hour and a half to get to them and then you have to turn back. The answer might be to go out a bit in the evenings but I am exhausted, dd2 is an early riser and if I'm not in bed by 10 at the latest I really struggle the next day so that puts a huge dampener on things. Basically I feel very lonely to the point where I am wondering if I'm getting depressed. I keep looking forward to a point in the future when dd2 sleeps a bit more and I might be able to have some kind of social life again but that could be three or four years away! Anyway, just wondering if others feel the same and if this is an inevitable part of motherhood for some or if I am doing something wrong, in which case advice very welcome! Am normally such a happy person, so am finding this hard

I think that working from home almost full-time plus toddlers is a schedule that fits in with practically nobody else .

Two toddlers plus work pretty much puts paid to an evening social life wherever you work, so socialising has to happen in the day either around work (but won't if you are at home) or baby/toddler activities.

Can you not work outside the home if you are feeling lonely?

I agree with Anna - you seem to have the worst of both worlds - not a SAHM, so no time to go out with friends in the day and no colleagues

Sadly can't work outside the home, am self employed and always have been long before dcs. There's absolutely no way I could change that now
Oh dear, sounds like I'm just gonna have to put up and shut up!

Your situation is sadly familiar here Im afraid, particularly your 'unravelling' phrase...3 best mates have moved away in the space of a year and I'm trying to make 'baby' mates all over again and finding it so flipping hard. My DS is 2 now and all the social groups seem to be establised and pretty unwelcoming. (On the other hand I have a mate who breezes into any social situation and comes home with 4 new friends every time since she is just so bloody personable and friendly whereas I find it soooo hard to make friends.) Working from home is very very isolating tho so a difficult one that. I don't work at all at the mo, maybe I'll meet folks again when I do. Equally can your work move outside the house somehow...?

Having said that I really have persevered with toddler groups etc and Im currently tentatively trying to establish a new contact or two. But really really best mates? They seem to be a thing of the past. I just hope that when I emerge from the fug of mumhood I can shake things up a bit. Too damn tired at the mo.

Sorry, that probably doesnt help, tho certainly you are not alone in being a lonely parent...

On the bright side, it will get much easier when your children start school - you will meet other parents at the school gate and a whole new world will open up . When does your 3 year old start school?

Not exactly a sparkling social life but what about msn, texting and emailing? I have a great friendship this way with a friend who lives miles away - last time I saw her was three years ago! But we have jokey texts and emails all the time...

ALSO

Cultivate a friendship with someone who lives nearby and meet for lunch? Nothing fancy, just pop round for soup and bread or something?

it IS lonely.

It GETS better, the older they get though.

Some toddler activities are beginning to meet on Saturdays to try to catch the working parents. Could you join your local NCT? They often have social events at weekends and might be able to put you in touch with other local mums? I feel for you. I don't work, but still found it lonely at times.

Hey MrsS.

Loads of sympathy, I work from home too and it can get quite lonely.

Some things that work for me are:

Booking a night out with old friends every couple of weeks and just going whether tired or not.

NCT postnatal group teas - these are held round other mums' houses so can be a good way of meeting people. Contact your local NCT for details, maybe they'll be held on your day off?

Postnatal fitness groups, haven't tried it myself but supposed to be good for meeting people.

Phone friends up for a chat. Dont get bogged down in having to see them to keep friendships going, do it by phone or email or text. Its not as good but its better than nothing.

Try and leave the house every day even if its just to go to the shop. It helps!

And lastly, Mumsnet!

Where abouts are you by the way?

3 year old starts school in Sept 2009, so a bit of a way off. She's at nursery in the mornings and I say hello to the other mums etc when I drop her off but it's hard to meet up because I have to go home and work! My work can't move outside the house sadly, I do occasionally go out and meet people as part of it but it's a one-off thing, I don't see the people again. Am really relying on dd2 sleeping later in the mornings, I'm sure feeling depressed as a result of hundreds of 5.30am starts. At what age might you hope they sleep until, say, 7? DD1 was and is a brilliant sleeper, I managed to have an evening social life when she was the only one and things were far more enjoyable as a result, so permanent exhaustion has completely thrown me

Sorry talilac, cross posted

Feel I've missed the boat on postnatal teas etc, does the NCT still put you in touch with people when your baby is one? I did have an antenatal group for dd2 and that is the only thing that has kept me vaguely sane this past year, we meet up once a month for drinks and I occasionally have coffee with the others on mornings off though a lot of them are working again now, so it's becoming harder to organise. Am in southwest London x

do your friends have dcs? Could they come to you? Who looks after dcs in the afternoon, or don't you work then? I know most of the groups in our area are in the morning though. whereabouts in london are you? What about going away for the weekend and staying with friends, would that be an option?

lots of my friends moved away and I felt really down about it. We find somewhere to meet that's about halfway for both of us now (doesn't work for the one in Australia though)

I know exactly where you are with this - although employed by a company I'm homebased (full time), and we moved areas so know literally no one. Its hard for me to join anything to meet people in the evenings as I do travel for work and often have evening conference calls.

I hope that when DS goes to school there will be a little opportunity to meet parents, but don't hold out much hope before then.

there is a thriving SW london group on MN if you can get out as far as the Richmond area. Daytime meets and evening ones and many informal. We're also quite nice!

and as an adopter I absolutely understand the no NCT freinds thing (mind you having recently been to an NCT fair locally I came away a littel releived!)

I work all day, a (very good) nanny looks after both dds and they have a riotous social life with her nannny friends' charges, so at least they don't miss out!
I suppose it's not so terrible, we do see friends at weekends quite a bit when there is time to make the hike across London, but people are so damn busy it can take a month to make a date for a month's time, insanity! Really the more I think about this I think my problem is actually chronic exhaustion and I guess that's just life with two tiny ones

kew, what's the "Richmond area" exactly. I don't drive (or do but am so bad I daren't go out exhausted with the dcs in the back) and am a bit of a schlep from Richmond but perhaps need to look in to this a bit x

Kew Gardens a very popular daytime venue and that on tube. Evening meets (once a month) are generally in Riochmond area (also on tube!)

Mumsnety local - sign up to Richmond thats where we mostly hang out - I'm thinking of draggin it back to Meet-ups on the general board as you don't see it unless you've signed up.

I'm often at lcoal playgroup near ISleworth mainlione station (to waterloo) on Friday mornings if you can/want to join me. My 2.6 yr old loves it.

mrsshackleton - I worked at home for a while without kids and I do feel your pain. My only suggestion is trying a mumsnet local meetup. I find emails and IMs help to keep in touch with my uni friends.

cmot : you're nearish to me IIRC. If you're bored and free one afternoon, you should come round for coffee! (I will even be toddler proofing (if such a thing is possible) my house this weekend ready for DS over the next few months, and other toddler visitors - if yours is/are that age)

Chairman - that would be lovely. My DS is 2, and very, um, inquisitive, so toddler proofing is great.

sadly, Kew, whole point is I can't join you because I have to work! I know lovely people like you are out there, just v hard to hook up. Ah well x

MrsS - don't know re your local NCT postnatal group but mine alternates baby and toddler teas.. They say everyone is welcome at both but the baby tea houses might not be toddler proof.. I've taken DD2 who is 22m to toddler teas and felt fine with that.

We too have a nanny for our 2 DDs. Sometimes if I want to do a child thing on a day our nanny comes I'll borrow one of the DDs and leave the other one with her, and then go to the music group or postnatal tea or birthday party or whatever. Hugely self indulgent and normally means I have to work once the DDs are asleep to catch up, but IMO thats part of the point of working from home.

I totally sympathise re the exhaustion making you not want to do anything, thats a tough one. I do find though that seeing people, or even talking to them helps lift my mood which makes coping with tiredness much easier..

What hours and days do you work? Could you find a group or something on the other day? I know it's tough - I've gone back to work full time but work has never been where my friends are. Do you have a nearby park? We take our baby to the nearest one for a little while after work each day and though some days there's no one with children his age (1), most days there are one or two and there are a few we see regularly.