I’m ill and my marriage is falling apart

[Raindownoverme]

I recently had our second DC, we have a toddler already. During the birth due to a serious cock up by the surgeon I have a serious injury that requires a reconstruction surgery. In the meantime, as they won’t attempt it before I’m healed from birth, I have a catheter in place and I’m in pain most of the time, especially when I do a lot. Bending, stretching, twisting and lifting aggravate the problem and there’s a lot of that involved with a toddler.

DC1 is in nursery 3 x per week but the other days I have both children and I find it really difficult. I do all night feeds. DH is working full time and does help but I really need him to do more than 50:50 and our marriage is just falling apart. I have had both DC most of the weekend whilst DH has done work on our house which has been ongoing for a few years and really needs finishing. I’m frustrated that he doesn’t do enough and he’s frustrated that I don’t appreciate what he is doing. We can’t be intimate at all due to the catheter which doesn’t help. There’s so much pressure and we are constantly arguing. I also have PTSD and PND from the birth so I’m not easy to live with. I am a passive person who struggles with confrontation and DH loves an argument as he says it brings out what people really think, but I frustrate him even more because I just freeze and can’t think what I feel or want to say.

What advice would you give in this situation? It’s not going to be fixed any time soon but I’m worried by the end DH and I will split because there’s too much bad blood between us.

I’m so sorry for your terrible experience and the pain you’re in, that’s awful.

I had a catheter after my second for a few weeks after a cock up and it was completely shit, I can only imagine how hard you must be finding things. Can you increase nursery for your older one?

Beyond that, I think the two of you need to urgently find a way to talk to each other. Arguing in an attempt to resolve things is crap so that’s not a fair approach he’s taking. But you both desperately need to pull together as a team jointly responsible for your two young children and the state of your marriage. Once upon a time you loved each other enough to want to be together forever and to make two beautiful babies. They need you both to pull through this awful time as best you can. Try and find a way to talk openly, honestly, kindly. To acknowledge you’re both exhausted, shattered by what you’ve been through, juggling work and house renovations. To listen to each other. If communication is difficult and you both feel the other isn’t listening you could each write down how you’re feeling, solutions you see improving things, how despite you’re many trials you do still love each other and want to stay in your marriage.

Can you tell him that you love him (assuming you do and you want to stay together), and suggest you sit down and write down how you can overcome the big problems that you are facing at the moment? If you approach it from the point of view of solutions, not problems, that maybe could help.

I think your dh is being unreasonable here. You’ve had a serious injury and are basically now disabled (even if temporarily) so things need to change, that’s not to say it’s easy for anyone but that’s life and these things happen. It’s part of what being married is about. Really he needs to take some time off work to support you more even if that means struggling financially for a bit (there may be things you can claim). If that isn’t possible and finances allow you need to buy in support - ie childcare, cleaner etc. He simply can’t expect you to do it all.

Dh and I have been married for 16 years. About 7 years ago I became severely disabled due to complex autoimmune issues including bladder issues which have made sex very difficult, now practically non existent. I am on the highest rates of PIP long term and we also have a child with autism (complex enough for special needs school). Dh works full time but takes time off if he needs to - we have a top up from universal credit and I used to be a high earner so it’s been a struggle but it just is what it is. Never once has Dh been anything other than supportive.

My ex dh was very much like yours. Note, ex.

Your dh needs to take some time off work, prioritise looking after you over the house and be there for you

If the work on the house has been going on for years, it can wait until you are better.
At the very least, he needs to take over night feeds so you can sleep then, to give you the best chance of recovering quicker

Oh love, you are really going through an awful time and your DH needs to step up. If you can't articulate how you're feeling, can you write it all down and show him? I don't know if it's possible for a man to really understand what a horrific thing it is to have a birth injury and how it affects you physically and mentally. Could you speak to your midwife or health visitor and ask her to talk to him about how he can best help you recover? He might listen to a medical professional more.

Can you enlist the help of any friends or family members for a couple of hours a day at least (hopefully more!) Can you put your toddler into nursery 5 days for a while or with a childminder for a few months? You really need rest - I would hand over the children to him for a couple of hours when he gets home and take yourself upstairs for a lie down. Buy some easy meals that you can bung in the microwave and take as much pressure of yourself as you can. Don't even worry about not being intimate - frankly that's the last thing you should be worrying about! Sending hugs 💐

Can’t he take some annual leave to help out more? Even a day a week?

I’m sorry for your situation. It’s tough enough dealing with a new baby and toddler when you’re well never mind your situation.

You poor thing! Your birth and situation sounds awful. Are you able to direct some funds to a home help? Either cleaning, or literally someone that can do small things or errands? Could you increase days at nursery with your toddler.

your husband should be stepping up more, but I understand that he might already feel like he’s doing a lot.

I remember reading that in the first year after birth is when most divorces happen. I don’t know how true that is but at random times between 0-9months we really really didn’t get on, I was filled with resentment and exhaustion and he was also exhausted and it’s difficult to have these conversations calmly in this situation (particularly if one likes an argument anyway!). You have been through an awful awful lot. I think the priority should be to take some of the load off you, get some outside help initially.

candour give husband some specific tasks that he can take control over? I know that’s frustrating for him not to just step up and do more but maybe being directed would encourage it.

have you had or can you have some kind of counselling about your birth? Even a birth reflections appointment.

discussing this all with your husband shouldn’t have to automatically be an argument. Or should you write down how your feeling?

We can’t really afford for DH to be off at the moment as he will need to take quite a bit of time off when I have my next op, I’m going to be in hospital for around a week and then will have another recovery period. It’s a really bad situation as if I wasn’t on mat leave I would be on paid sick leave with both DCs in childcare! We only have MIL who lives near us and she normally has my toddler once per week and extras whenever we need her. But she’s also not been feeling well with anxiety and has actually called me the last few days she has toddler to ask me to pick him up! I feel like my needs are last on the list at the moment.

I am having counselling organised through my health visitor and there may be a birth reflection meeting but currently it’s being investigated as a serious patient safety incident so I don’t think that will happen soon. My gp is very good and has been calling me each week. I am just finding it hard to articulate how much I am physically struggling. Baby is almost 3 months old and I think sympathy has run out from many people!

Up your 3 year olds hours for a start. With the 30 hours it’s worth the price difference right now. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper than all the legal fees of a divorce.

You also need to bin off the house project surely? He can’t work all day, do hours of DIY in the evening and still do more of the kid stuff and chores surely?
Its a case of picking your battles right now.

To be blunt I think you need to find a way of affording more nursery for the toddler or find a childminder or something. DH need cannot do childcare while he is working and needs some time not doing childcare while he isn't working. Normally I'd say, you do DH's work hours, then the rest of the hours should be a fair split between you and DH, but it sounds like that would be way too much for you.

We can afford it but nursery don’t have the available hours. Currently I’m doing most of the childcare as DH isn’t home from work before bedtimes anyway, and he wants to do the DIY as he enjoys it. I don’t have any time for myself tbh but with this catheter in I can’t do anything that I would usually enjoy anyway!

“He wants to do the DIY as he enjoys it” so he’s doing it as a way to avoid childcare and then has the cheek to be upset you don’t appreciate all he does. Sounds about right. I hope you find a way to get through to him. I know he’s working but how would he cope as a single parent? He would have to get on with it.

Might there be another nursery or childminder who could do some or all of the hours? I guess having a split of two childcare providers wouldn't be great, but it's worth it, at least short term, if it allows you to recover and stops DH burning out. For what it's worth, I had a job where working times sometimes changed at short notice so DS had 3 childminders and a breakfast/afterschool club before he turned 6 and he survived!

Do you want to be intimate? It is possible with a catheter. People have catheters for decades and have a healthy sex life

Can you afford a nanny or childminder to come to you every day to help out and you can get some rest? If it is a cock up bu the hospital and a medical negligence claim is likely to be successful, going into debt to get a nanny might be something to consider.
Are there any child care training g places near you where students take could get a placement/ experience? You’d need to be there but they could do the nappy changing, lifting and carrying?
If you want to stay together you will find a way, keep communicating with each other, it will get better

I'm so sorry. This all sounds incredibly tough, for you both, but you especially. Intimacy isn't off the table. It takes a bit more thinking about and needs good communication between you both whilst you experiment with it but it is possible with a catheter. You could consider non penetrative is the easiest answer but the catheter is in your urethra not your vagina so penetrative is possible. It may be worth asking your nurse for a valve rather than a drainage bag, you empty it into the toilet at regular intervals and it may help you feel more human. But like I said, good communication is needed. It seems that you're both struggling with that at the moment though and coming to terms with so much change in your relationship can be difficult for you both. Perhaps try writing down your feelings so that he can process it without getting defensive and turning it into an argument. Ask neighbours and friends to help with the kids as much as possible so you can have a bit of a break if increasing childcare isn't possible. These aren't ordinary circumstances and given that I'd be very happy to help for an odd hour or two. Others will be willing too.

This is your take?!?! THIS?! The mind boggles.

op with your injuries, the catheter, the ptsd and what I imagine is the huge stress of this all, I can’t believe how hard this must be for you. So sad your mil and dh are letting you down too.

any which way you can you need to I think you need to out source whatever you can. Be it childcare, cleaning, cooking - anything. Whether by money or asking friends and family for help (I’d batch cook a months worth of food for you and your family myself - if you happen to be in south wales dm me)

Again, why is sex at the foremost here?! Intimacy is on the table. Emotional intimacy. The shared intimacy of going through life’s hard times together. Of being vulnerable and there for one another. Jesus. I can’t believe this take of “find a way to milk his dick!” Has come up twice. It beggars belief.

My thoughts are see if you can find a mothers help, nanny, cleaner.

The DIY will have to wait it’s not ok for him to avoid being a father and husband by doing DIY because he enjoys it FFS

Sorry but the house comes second ! Leave it till everything is sorted with your health it’s not gonna fall down.
his priority is you & kids , housework
He leaves the diy till your better

Just to be clear, my comment was never about "milking his dick" or in any way thinking about intimacy just for his benefit. If that's how most married couples consider their sex life then I've got something very wrong. In my marriage it's about what we both want and only if we both want it. I was trying to be supportive and suggest things that may make the OP feel a little more like her old self amongst all the changes. I also said communication between her and her partner was really important first. The OP may absolutely not want to consider a sexual relationship at the moment and that's okay. But equally she may miss that part of her life and that's equally ok.

He needs to help you, the house can wait. I'm sorry to read what you went through. That's a lot. Coping with two little ones is a lot. Can you afford more nursery, or a cleaner etc. Give yourselves some grace, you need to try and come back together as a unit. Can you talk about your lack of intimacy? Go easy on yourself, you're really going though it, wishing you rest and healing.

Sex is an important part of many people’s marriage I’m not sure why you’d think it isn’t

I asked the op if she felt she wanted to be intimate - not that she had to be!

On the sex issue I agree with @Blushingm - If the OP DOESN’T WANT sex that of course is fine, but she didn’t actually say that. Sex in marriage is a vital aspect for a lot of relationships- it keeps people feeling close, connected and in love, all things that can help during the shit times so I know why the PP suggested it.