I’m ill and my marriage is falling apart

[Raindownoverme]

I recently had our second DC, we have a toddler already. During the birth due to a serious cock up by the surgeon I have a serious injury that requires a reconstruction surgery. In the meantime, as they won’t attempt it before I’m healed from birth, I have a catheter in place and I’m in pain most of the time, especially when I do a lot. Bending, stretching, twisting and lifting aggravate the problem and there’s a lot of that involved with a toddler.

DC1 is in nursery 3 x per week but the other days I have both children and I find it really difficult. I do all night feeds. DH is working full time and does help but I really need him to do more than 50:50 and our marriage is just falling apart. I have had both DC most of the weekend whilst DH has done work on our house which has been ongoing for a few years and really needs finishing. I’m frustrated that he doesn’t do enough and he’s frustrated that I don’t appreciate what he is doing. We can’t be intimate at all due to the catheter which doesn’t help. There’s so much pressure and we are constantly arguing. I also have PTSD and PND from the birth so I’m not easy to live with. I am a passive person who struggles with confrontation and DH loves an argument as he says it brings out what people really think, but I frustrate him even more because I just freeze and can’t think what I feel or want to say.

What advice would you give in this situation? It’s not going to be fixed any time soon but I’m worried by the end DH and I will split because there’s too much bad blood between us.

I think if you can afford it you need to throw money at the problem and buy in some help

I hate to be the one to ask but have you started legal proceedings against the hospital? The extra financial costs you are going to incur in this scenario are exactly what compensation is there for. There will be a financial hit here and that could be your loss of earnings, Dh's loss of earnings or paying for additional support to help you with childcare. Unfortunately it's a long term process but get the ball rolling and explore whether you have a case.

If you can afford more nursery hours but they don’t have the hours available, use that money for a cleaner/ mother’s helper. Someone who can come in and physically help you in the home while DH is at work. Throw money at the situation until things settle.

Have a chat with DH or if you are finding this hard, write a letter to him explaining your thoughts.

I’m am so sorry that this has happened to you @Raindownoverme. I’m glad that you are getting some support through your GP. Are you able to access any counselling services?

Does your DH have anyone that he can talk to? I know that the injuries are yours and you are the priority but he may well be feeling pretty low about what has happened. That he can’t fix it, doesn’t know what to do or say kind of thing. Worth a thought.

I’m so sorry about the pain you are going through.

What about counselling? It would help you communicate although you have very different communication styles.

Appreciating each other. Like verbally expressing that you appreciate what each other are doing, how hard you’re working, how tired you are etc. Makes a big difference in breaking down the resentment feelings.

Hiring one or two babysitters - someone who can come in every day and help you with the baby, and the toddler when you are there. They could also help your family when you are in hospital. You would be there most of the time so maybe someone you get on with who can be a practical help and support to you as you parent and heal.

And then friends and family maybe on the weekend to help?

What wider support can you call on from wider friends and family? Who in real life would bring your family a cooked meal once a week or take the children to the playground for an hour? I would do that for one of my mates, time to ask “the village” for help?

What worst not holiday said