MIL is a c*nt and I don't want my children to see her without me present

[Ragemcchine]

I'm so furious right now and just need a place to vent.

There is a history with my MIL which I posted here about in the past under a different username but the main one was that I overheard her telling my oldest stepson that she loves him and his brother more than my children that I share with DH (so they are just as much her grandchildren). As well as this she has made repeated negative comments about me and my family to DH and my stepsons. My dad is Italian and she has made constant digs about Italians, once she even told DH that I wasnt cleaning my stepson's school shirts well enough because they were starting to go grey (stepson is 15 and we try to encourage him to put on his own washes but he will often mix them despite me suggesting otherwise and I even got those colour run sheets but he doesnt use them). Apparently as I'm the woman it's my fault and responsibility rather than DH's but what pissed me off most was her tellong DH that she "doesn't know how the italians wash our clothes, probably not at all, but in this country we do it properly". She calls my family the mascarpones (imagine our name being something like Marcucci). I stopped speaking to her for almost a year and in that time she didnt once try to see my children (but would see my stepchildren, no one ever stopped her from seeing our children, she just showed no interest). DH asked me to put it behind us before Christmas as he lost a family member unexpectedly and didnt want us to be on bad terms with his mum if she unexpectedly died. I did and everything seemed fine but today my younger stepson told me that he told his grandma that when we went to Italy the Italian drivers didn't stop at zebra crossings. He told me she replied that this is because Italians are all bad people. He said he asked her, "what about rage, she's half italian?" and then said, "and then she said.... oh never mind, I forgot". In my mind given the context and history it's very clear that she has said something negative and he has realised he shouldn't say it so pretended he has forgotten. I didnt want to distress him so I just said okay and left it at that but I'm fucking furious. I have dual nationality and spent a big chunk of my life living in Italy so I still feel very connected culturally and visit regularly to see my cousins and friends and family. I am raising my children to speak Italian as their second language. I am so sick of her twisted shit and don't want my children to ever be around her alone because I think she is toxic and I will never know she's not making toxic comments to them the way she does to my stepsons.

There is no history in terms of other fall outs or arguments between her and I and for years I ignored the digs and quips, she is the type of person who has had an issue with every single one of DH's exes.

DH has gone into hospital today with a really bad abscess so I cant say anything to him about it because he's not well. I just needed a space to vent about it.

What a nasty piece of work she is. I’m sorry OP. Shes a prejudiced person who I doubt will ever change and the fact she has previously done this and still hasn’t changed her ways tells you she never will.

My in laws were like this, one day after weeks of their non stop shit of constantly blowing up my phone with abuse with went no contact and I have zero regrets.
I wouldn’t even allow your children around her, she sounds poisonous.

Your DHs inertia when it comes to his toxic mother hurts him as much as you. Do not keep putting it behind you as he wishes. He just wants everyone to get along so as he does not have to do anything re his toxic mother (inertia). He cannot and will not be able to stand up to his m other because he has been led to believe since childhood the sky will fall in on him if she gets "upset" (such people are incapable of being upset).

You do not mention FIL here; is he still around?.

Your man out of fear, obligation and guilt may want to keep up a "relationship" with his mother but that does not follow that you have to do the same. He needs intensive therapy re his mother and at the very least he needs to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. You could read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

Give your DC the age appropriate truth re their grandmother. They are also reliant on you people as their parents guiding them. He is not going to be able to do that so you need to do so.

Drop the rope entirely. I would keep yourself and all your DC well away from his mother. They do not need to see her either and if you do see her the emotional harm done to them by her will be done right in front of your very eyes.

When he says he wants you to put everything behind you he means that he wants you to be a bigger doormat.

Tell him to jog on.

Every time your grim little MIL insults you and your family she's insulting your children and he needs to do better.

Once he's on the mend tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to step up and tell his mother to shut her face. If he can't then tell him bye-bye.

I nearly divorced my husband over the same thing, thankfully he saw the light.

The usual truism applies in that if a relative is too toxic/batshit for YOU to deal with, it's the SAME deal for the kids too. She is trying to divide these DC by having the favoured golden children (ie stepson and his brother) and scapegoats (your other children) and you must not let that happen at all because apart from anything else it will harm their sibling relationship.

It is not possible to have a relationship either with someone this disorders of thinking. It is not your fault she is the ways she is and neither your DH or you made her that way. Do you know anything about her own family background because that often gives clues.

Your MIL doesn't like you, be it because of your Italian heritage or for another reason. She's focused on your Italian heritage, because it's something she can use as a stick to beat you with. She doesn't see much of the grandchildren you share with your husband, because of her dislike towards you.

She's a nasty, vindictive woman. Your husband should be the one to say something to his Mum. I'd go low contact with her.

All I can say is that I agree with your description of your MIL: she absolutely is a total cunt.

She’s a cunt. You’re right. Leave it for today due to your DH but then go non contact and tell her and your DH why. Out of interest, why isn’t he sticking up for his youngest children more with his mother? She either sees them all or none - but it would definitely be none for me

Why is DH okay with his mother not wanting to see his younger children? Why is okay with her showing favouritism amongst his own children?

She sounds like a total bitch. I wouldn’t talk to her again. FWIW DH and I have been no contact with his mother for 26 years. She’s never met our 16yo DD because MIL is a toxic bitch. Not having her near my DD to fuck with her mind and heart.

My MIL is a racist vile cunt

There, fixed the title for you OP!

I'd absolutely go no contact with the toxic bitch, and I'd be telling dh that he sticks up for you (and the children you share) or you'll go no contact with him to!

My PIL were fucking rude about me and I wish I'd put firmer boundaries in place. DH is no contact with them now but not, actually, due to anything they said regarding me.

My MIL and FIL are no longer together. She does have a partner that she lives with who is actually really lovely so I often wonder how he can put up with listening to her being so awful about people.

To be fair to DH, he barely spoke to his mum in the period that I didn't, I didnt ever ask his too but he knew she was in the wrong and wanted to support me. He doesn't want to go the rest of his life not speaking to her though which I can understand, she is toxic but she's his mum. But at the same time he needs to protect me and our children and our family from her toxicity and so do I.

It's difficult because we have all the children full time but they are not all biologically mine, my stepsons love to go see her and they don't see their own mum so having that connection to their grandma and extended biological family is important for them and I wouldnt ever try and stop that. It does make it difficult though to then stop my own children from seeing her so I think that in our situation the best way forward is just to make sure that I am always there when my biological children see her and that they are never alone with her. I would do the same for my stepchildren if I could but it's not me that makes that call and like I say, their relationship with her is more important than my issues with her.

DH asked me to put it behind us before Christmas as he lost a family member unexpectedly and didnt want us to be on bad terms with his mum if she unexpectedly died.

Has he asked HER to put the xenophobia and misogyny behind her, or at least to bite her tongue rather than letting it rip in front of you and the children? I realise there are two sides to every story, but it seems like MIL's behaviour would be unacceptable no matter how you acted towards her. There's an obvious cause of this problem, and he's asking the wrong person to change.

In your place, I think I would refuse to see her and think very carefully about whether the younger children can go to see her with him (only if they actively want to) - can you trust him to stay with them, pay attention, and protect them if needed?

I recommend Italian lessons for all the dc.. Then you can chatter away and omit mil from any conversations.. Tell her it's important the dc practice at every opportunity...

And Italian food only at every gathering. After all the dc should be embracing their roots.

I feel foemyou, my MIL is an arse hole, she’s told my 6 year old he’s filthy (he’d been in the garden playing, and needed a bath, she scolded him saying he was filthy and she’d had to clean the bath for him) she called him ugly, and she’s called my DD fat. We took a big step back and rarely visit now after telling them how it’s affected us, we were told how awful WE are (typical narcissist!). DH speaks to them, I rarely do, occasionally visit them, often DH goes alone or with our son if he wants to go.
as much as you say her partner is nice, my FIL is also ‘nice-ish’ but they’re enablers I’m afraid

This caused big arguments between me and him as well. My stepsons don't see their own mum or her family so DH feels it's important for them to have that connection and relationship with who they can and to be fair she has been a constant in their lives and I do think that's important for them.

There’s no space in my life for racist people, they’re not worth my brain space. Hence I have nothing to do with one of my dad’s SILs or one of the DH’s cousins. I just don’t talk to them, will leave a group at a social gathering when they join it, if here messages etc. It’s very simple, to me.

It also seems very simple, to me, that you wouldn’t allow your children to be around people who are racist towards them or you. What if they are infected by her ignorance? Why would you risk them thinking this sort of bullshit is normal or acceptable, or that it’s okay for you to have to tolerate what some moron dishes out to you? It would be a no-brainer for me that she doesn’t get to see your children. You can find plenty of reasons to accommodate or appease or compromise, but I wouldn’t. Not for this.

Your DH needs to tell his mother that if she carrries on with her xenophobic and racist comments about you and your family, she will not be seeing any of the grandchildren. As you have your step-children full time, it is important that they aren't picking up their grandmother's awful opinions and innocently mentioning what she has said in front of your children.

She sounds like a rude and unpleasant bigot.

You're right, and no I dont trust him to always stay. To be honest there have been times where Ive been close to leaving as a result of this and stayed because I dont want to hand my children over to him in case he ever then leaves them in his mother's care.

OP

re your comment:
"It's difficult because we have all the children full time but they are not all biologically mine, my stepsons love to go see her and they don't see their own mum so having that connection to their grandma and extended biological family is important for them and I wouldnt ever try and stop that. It does make it difficult though to then stop my own children from seeing her so I think that in our situation the best way forward is just to make sure that I am always there when my biological children see her and that they are never alone with her. I would do the same for my stepchildren if I could but it's not me that makes that call and like I say, their relationship with her is more important than my issues with her".

Your children and step children need emotionally healthy role models around them and this woman their grandmother does not fit the bill. She is not an emotionally healthy nor safe enough person to be around. If you are around your kids when she kicks off indeed the harm being done to them is being done right in front of your very eyes. You won't be able to say anything also because you do not have your Hs support and in addition he is emotionally stymied by her. She really does have her son here your H by the balls.

Their relationship with her is NOT more important than your issues with her. Your stepsons like to see her because she favours them more than your other children; they do not realise and are too young to realise that she is exploiting them for her own ends. She may well try to steal their hearts and minds from under your very nose, do not assume that would never happen.

How old are these young people; teenage or younger?.
Your kids end up being the scapegoats and this whole favouritism that she has going on will damage their sibling relationships hugely and that will continue into their adulthoods. The golden child role is a role not without price either.

Women like your MIL cannot do relationships at all so the men in their lives are either similar to them or are otherwise discarded. She was not a good parent to him when he was growing up and she has not fundamentally changed. She has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions.

She likely hates all women and sees them as competition. She also likely has no friends, there is good reason why that is. Her current H is her enabler and secondary abuser and he cannot be relied upon here either. He has also failed to protect you all from the excesses of his wife's behaviour perhaps saying such platitudes like,"well you know what she is like", "she means well" (no) etc. He has and will continue to act out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

You all need to stay away from her and her enabler husband. No good will come of having anything to do with either.

When he comes out of hospital I would tell him to get therapy re his mother and that is non negotiable.

To be honest it was arguments over this that led to me almost leaving in the past because I made those same arguments. It was never a coincidence that my oldest stepson was more difficult and negative after a weekend staying with his grandma. Our relationship is really good and then nosedives after he has been with her (so I have no doubt that far more has been said than what I know). But DH has always said he couldn't stop contact between my stepsons and his mum.

Your husband needs to step up here. He has to call out her racism and general nastiness every single time (even if it leads to an argument with his mother). Tell him you can’t put up with it any longer and it’s affecting how you feel about him. DH has to put you first or he will be facing a second divorce.

OP
re your comment:
"My stepsons don't see their own mum or her family so DH feels it's important for them to have that connection and relationship with who they can and to be fair she has been a constant in their lives and I do think that's important for them".

Again your DH is wrong here. What is needed here for these young people are emotionally healthy role models and neither she nor her enabler H fit the bill.
I presume she has been a constant in their lives perhaps because your H hoped against his own experience to the contrary that she would somehow behave better this time around. Sadly toxic parents more often than not become toxic as grandparent figures too.

MIL hates women and sees them as competition. She certainly hates you.

Why would you want your stepchildren let alone your kids to be at all around someone like MIL?. It's not doing them any good either because she is dripping poison about you and dad into their ear and she will in turn further harm their sibling relationship. They should no longer overnight in her home either.

If your DH cannot and or will not step up here then you are going to have to take the reins. Be the so called bad person here!.

I think the solution isn’t to stop anyone seeing anyone- however, I don’t see why you would be expected to be polite about her. So just laugh it off.
Say regularly, ‘oh granny is funny, she thinks Italian people don’t wash! What a silly lady! I wonder where she gets her funny ideas?!’

Don’t be nasty or sharp around the DC, don’t put them on the spot. Do laughingly send them off with a ‘have a nice time, remember not to believe everything she says, mind!’

She’s an absolute besom, so her opinions aren’t worth the air she uses to give them. Don’t give her head room, just manage the dc and their response to it. For example, they don’t want to be repeating those kinds of opinions or they’ll get in trouble.

You may even need the occasional- I’m so pleased you know better. Granny must have missed the lessons about people from other countries when she was at school!’