Has anyone successfully told a friend that they don't want to spent time with them any longer? Or is it better to quietly wind down with no explanation?

[TambourineShaker]

I've been in a long term friendship with an ex colleague for 20 years.

We were close and spent lots of Social time together

She then moved 60 miles away and we met every 6 months or so.

But every is a drama, she's always hard done by by everyone and every work place she has. She's a serial quitter, blocker and fall-outer. And she cannot see ages the common denominator.

Haven't seen her since covid no particular reason, just misaligned schedules and my lack of desire to meet, I guess. I don't enjoy and anxious prior and drained afterwards.

She's now quite determinedly asking to meet because it's been so long.

I've paused, taken ages to respond and now she's being adamant.

I can't decide to continue with long pauses and no real commitment to meet OR just saying how I don't find the friendship beneficial any longer.

I wouldn't want to hurt her, but the headspace that this is taking up isn't good for me and I think closure, finality is probably the best outcome for me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What would you advise?

There are some good suggestions which get the point across to her without being too blunt.
If you don’t think she’d travel to you, then I’d say ‘I’m not up for travelling right now’, or if she would, I’d use ‘not up for socialising right now due to life circumstances’.

What do you mean by "successfully"? Do you just want not to feel bad about cutting her off and not to feel like the bad guy? There's probably no way to do that if you feel guilty about wanting out already, but sometimes friends are for a season, not a lifetime.

Just say something like "hi [name], sorry I don't feel like we've got so much in common these days for us to meet up, but I'll always have great memories of our days at [workplace]."

This.
Much kinder.

Yes, something like this. Also, it’s not ok for her to be ‘adamant’ about seeing you, you have a choice. Some people will overstep your boundaries and you are absolutely within your rights to refuse.

I’ve quietly ditched a braggy school
friend who just saw our whole lives as a competition (even though they win on every score) - I think I was like the poor friend who just served to make her feel great at how well she’d done in life and how much better her children were than mine.

I would make excuses so that we would meet up less and less and then I’d spend all summer dreading the inevitable. One time I arranged to meet her and then on the day lied one of the kids was ill. I don’t lie as a habit, it’s really important to me to be honest but I couldn’t think of another way out without a major drama.

We’ve barely seen each other since and covid really put an end to it. We still exchange birthday and Christmas cards and she’ll occasionally ask to go out for coffee but I won’t see her again - life is too short to spend in the company of people who make you feel shit.

I sent a Xmas card back to someone who had sent me one in which she wrote “we simply MUST meet up soon card”, and explained that we had both moved on with our lives and I wished her well. I never heard back so job done even though I felt I had been brutal. But we HAD both moved on with her lives (and she had already expressed disapproval at what I had been going to do next). So it also felt necessary.

Its better and kinder to wind down gradually than to break it off. You can try just responding briefly or just reply to every third or fourth posting until it gradually fizzles out. This will give the person time to get their claws into someone else which they will readily do if they dont get a prompt response from you.

I had someone in another country I had an online friendship with and it all got a bit too much. Constantly posting about how she was being persecuted when I do not understand the politics of her country. I would reply briefly to say I got their message but had a lot on at the moment so I would reply later. I just never did. Gradually it faded out.

I'd tell her the truth.

"Friend, honestly I don't really enjoy our meetups any more, they always seem to revolve around you complaining about work or other people, and it's just not enjoyable. I think it's best we just leave it at that."

Yeah, you'll have completely burned that bridge, but that's what you're after anyway, but you've given her the truth and maybe she'll be able to reflect on that in her other friendships.

At the very least, you'll have given her something to whinge about to her next victim, and by the sound of it that's what she lives for.

I'd hate to be told bluntly that I was no longer wanted as a friend, so I'd go the white lie route and hope she got the message eventually.

Ghosting was invented for people like this.

It’s not a very nice thing to do to anyone.

I just don't think there's a non-hurtful way of rejecting someone.

• Ghosting is shitty
• The slow fade is dragging it out and confusing
• Explaining you're no longer interested in being friends can be harsh however gently worded

-Pretending you're dead or abducted by aliens is saddening and liable to be proved untrue...

No, but when you bump up against not-very-nice people or behaviour, particulary people who just don't take the hint, it is effective. And, IMHO, justified.

Being an absolute prick is never justified, no matter to whom and whatever the circumstances.

I don't consider ghosting = "being an absolute prick" though.

ETA And the fact that you lack the imagination to envision scenarios in which ghosting someone is a really sensible thing to do is an example of the black-and-white thinking evidenced in your condemnatory post responding to mine.

Last March, my friend and I cut ties with a mutual friend of over 40 years (45 for me, and 42 for my mate). We did it in a fairly civilised manner by WhatsApp so nothing was left unsaid or to chance.

Last August I cut ties with a friend of 12 years, who did something so unbelievably hurtful and socially inept. She knew what she was doing, she knew it was wrong ( tried to hide it), she did it anyway. I believe owe her nothing in the way of "I'm not speaking to you now" and I' damned if I'll give her the chance to do the "But Rhaidi..." wail.

I gave her 6 weeks to contact me to try to make it right.

Soz, TambourineShaker, for possibly derailing. Your friend was lucky to have someone as thoughtful as you in her life.

I can understand you wanting to end things with your friend but stringing her along and soft ghosting is cruel and unhelpful. As you’re the one who wants to bring things to a close the balance of power rests with you. My half sister, who I met as an adult, soft ghosted me for over a year. It was awful and very stressful for me. I finally emailed her after my step father died and asked her whether she wanted to stay in touch and she replied saying she didn’t. I was going through a really difficult time and didn’t need this. It would have been easier if she’d been honest and ended things sooner. What respect I had for her has gone because of how she handled things.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5502938-close-friend-of-20-years-has-abruptly-withdrawn-and-i-feel-heartbroken

Just like being dumped when your romantic partner has checked out, the end of friendships can painful for the personwho still has deep feelings. I think, just like ending a long romantic relationship, a clear reason delivered kindly and a clean break is the best way to allow people to recover and move on.