Has anyone successfully told a friend that they don't want to spent time with them any longer? Or is it better to quietly wind down with no explanation?

[TambourineShaker]

I've been in a long term friendship with an ex colleague for 20 years.

We were close and spent lots of Social time together

She then moved 60 miles away and we met every 6 months or so.

But every is a drama, she's always hard done by by everyone and every work place she has. She's a serial quitter, blocker and fall-outer. And she cannot see ages the common denominator.

Haven't seen her since covid no particular reason, just misaligned schedules and my lack of desire to meet, I guess. I don't enjoy and anxious prior and drained afterwards.

She's now quite determinedly asking to meet because it's been so long.

I've paused, taken ages to respond and now she's being adamant.

I can't decide to continue with long pauses and no real commitment to meet OR just saying how I don't find the friendship beneficial any longer.

I wouldn't want to hurt her, but the headspace that this is taking up isn't good for me and I think closure, finality is probably the best outcome for me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What would you advise?

I have. It’s been successful in that I no longer have to deal with her drama. She thinks I am uncharitable and mean, but I couldn’t care less.

If she's always the victim, she'll hang on to the friendship and mither you to meet up.
Just ignore the messages.
With a bit of luck she'll fall out with you and you'll never hear from her again.

I'd be upset to be told (I was told once), much prefer a wind down.

I just ignored an ex colleague who had a life of dramas and issues all her own making and got so bored of listening to the same stuff, so draining. She blamed everyone for everything....parking tickets, speeding fines, car engine blowing up as didnt put any oil for years...etc etc..just ignore these people.

It sounds like she's quite determined so even if you try the slow fade, she's likely to confront you at some point and ask what's going on. I would just tell her that you're sorry but you feel like the friendship has run it's course, that you're busy and don't feel you can continue a friendship that feels like hard work at this point. She probably won't take it well but you can be honest without being unkind or cruel.

I'm you're the kind of person who uses up a lot of headspace on this kind of situation do you think that cutting her off with a direct message will play on your mind? Will you worry if you upset her/did the right thing/said the right thing?

If that might be the case then I wouldn't do it. Just keep delaying. Leave long gaps. Always be busy. Say, 'Oh yes I be in touch when life quietens down' and then never get in touch. She'll give up eventually. After all, if you've not see each other since Covid that's a fair gap. Let it die a natural death.

If you don’t want to hurt feeling you can’t possibly tell her outright

lots of excuses that can’t be gotten round

“ I am not up to visits mental health “

If you haven’t seen her since Covid then how much ‘headspace’ can this really be taking up?

I think that directly telling someone you want to end a friendship is unkind and usually not necessary. You WILL hurt her.

Why can’t you just ignore her messages or make up some random excuse about life circumstances?

If you haven’t seen her for 6 ish years since 2020 then are you really friends? She’s fallen into that ‘duty text’ category I bet. You’re unlikely to bump into her around town, id just keep being too busy and ill and she’ll eventually give up.

Agree with the others. If you haven't seen her for six years and a meet up is only now being pushed, then neither of you are friends of any sort. You are simply ex colleagues who have an old workplace in common.

The meet ups have already stopped

Now space out replies to texts and emails until one of you stops texting altogether.

I agree I wouldn't hurt her.

Why don't you just say you aren't up for travelling atm but let you know if she's ever your way? Just have a coffee and chances are that'll be it for 5 years...

Yes, me and a friend parted ways with a mutual friend last March after 40 years.

Couldn’t you make up a white lie. You really don’t feel up to socialising at the moment.

Can I ask what happened (if not outting) and how you feel after having someone by your side for 40 years .. and then they are not there. Asking as could be in similar situation

Yes be more and more vague. That's how I would do it as I'd struggle to be brutally honest with someone in that situation if they hadn't done anything wrong per se just we'd outgrown each other

Over the years this individual got more and more divergent in his views, attitudes, outlook on life, and humour. It got really bad during and after Covid, and he became a card carrying, tinfoil hat wearing, conspiracy theory curmudgeon. It got increasingly more difficult to find any common ground when we met up a few times a year. Ultimately last year after a particularly awkward, fractious meet up we decided over WhatsApp between us to go our separate ways. It was a relief in the end.

Thanks all.

Food for thought there.

I still can't decide what to do.

If you no longer have anything in common and it feels like duty, not fun, then slow fade, stop responding to messages. I did this with a friend who had dramas and wanted to endlessly talk about the past and an ex (while married with 2 beautiful children). She recently messaged to say her much older DH had died and expressing how awful it was. I answered with much sympathy, of course. She must be wrapped up in coping. I don’t know if I should further message, but we haven’t been in touch for so long it would feel wrong.

I think you should let her know that you’re unable to maintain the friendship any longer.
I did that with a 40 year-old friendship and believe me although it was hard and I had some feelings of concern about hurting her, at the end of the day I felt a massive relief and weight off my shoulders.
I would be as kind as you can by saying that you need to concentrate on your own life/issues etc and don’t bring up all her failings.
Then wish her all the best for the future and block.
You’ll probably feel guilty for a while, but the feeling of relief will soon outweigh that.

Something I read at the time:-
Life is too short to make time for people who give you more aggro than pleasure and just because you were friends once doesn't mean that that person will or should always be in your life.

I always wind down. It’s easier for everyone. Most friendships fall by the wayside after a long time as people change and go in new directions.

So you haven't,seen each other for many years . How often do you talk on the phone or text ?
There is something called the long fade where you gradually fall away from something .
However , given that you don't meet up I'd be tempted to send a message and say you've moved on with your life and don't see the point of meeting and then just block her from contacting you . Job done .

What’s the need for blocking? Blocking is an absolute last resort for those who are abusive. It’s rude.

@TambourineShaker ,as it's been since covid I'm share mine. I took covid as an opportunity to make significant lifestyle changes, to do less essentially, and I shared that with a few people as the reason to say I wouldn't be being up. It's not really a reason or an adviser that makes sense, but it helped me to have that conversation.