Worried about never becoming a parent or having a family of my own

[LemonFatball]

As a 28 year old man who doesnt have any luck with dating I sometimes worry that I'll be in my 40s still with no family of my own and it seems to be the hardest thing in the world finding a woman who likes you enough to where she'll want to start a family with you. Growing up I never learned on how to talk to girls and im also mildly autistic, lookswise im tall and athletic, I do try my hardest to take care of my appearance as its important, Im educated with a job that pays pretty decent money and im also paying a mortgage for a house which would make a great family home but at times I just think there is no point in getting a mortgage if I dont have kids.

Dating apps are despressing and the more time goes on I feel like my chances are getting even slimmer. I just want to be a father and I know that id put in 100 percent effort if a woman out there decided to start a family with me.

And its not just kids but its actually just having the company of a woman who likes you and is attracted to you. Coming home after work and actually having someone who wants to share thier life with you, I never experienced what its like having a GF who likes your company and thats the truth

At times I dont see the point in living if I dont have a family to look after, I have no other motivations really in fact the reason why I got a mortgage and focus on my career was all because I was hoping to find someone who will want a family someday.

Honestly at times I think its easier to become a millionare than to get a GF who wants marriage and a few children. At 28 I feel like time is starting to tick because many women my age are taken and at work all the time my work colleges talk about thier relationships and going for baby scans with thier partners or getting ready to be fathers.

sorry op but from your posts, i’m really not surprised you’re single. You sound very naive.

Many couples don’t meet until their late 20s, hence havings kids slightly later.

You also seem to have zero regard for what havings kids is like as a woman in today’s society. It can be mostly shit. Starting from pregnancy and the shitshow that is UK maternity care.

And then regardless of what you promise, most/many men never take on the role of the ‘default parent’. It’s the mum. We work and we carry the mental load of looking after the kids. It’s rewarding in no way.

and yes, by all means have physical attraction there at the start, but as a PP said, it is character that keeps you together as your looks fade.

@Iocanepowder yes I understand that and thats why I feel as if its my duty to make my partners life as easy as possible when she is pregnant with our child, a lot of men seem to not care unfortinatly and there is even one man at my work who has basically admitted to cheating on his girl while she is pregnant which makes me feel sick. How can you do that to a woman who carrying your child? Some men just dont deserve kids.

I want to change nappies and get suck in, even when people talk about having restless nights that honestly doesnt bother me because having your own child must be the most amazing experience ever

Women like men who are confident, self assured and not who are not self conscious or needy. Looks and money are just a bonus....it's way more about attitude

Sorry but your second paragraph still shows me how naive you are.

You have no idea. Try running on zero sleep because your child doesn't sleep for more than ten minutes at a time, then getting up and going to work. Night after night after night. And then you start saying to your wife that you'd like another one, when she hasn't slept for months.

There is a lot more to babies than changing nappies and giving them the odd bottle you know.

You're not your. We have a massive environmental crisis unfolding. Resources will be scarce and there are big problems for the next generation and beyond. We do NOT need to encourage more humans on the planet at all. We need far fewer people in the world.

Nonsense! (Lighthearted) I was in my 30's when I met someone, still plenty of time. The problem is you are too fixated on it, just let life do it's thing.

Plenty of women will find a mortgage as a good thing when dating etc, so it's defo in your favour to have one.
I don't know any single people, so your time will come.
Join some sport clubs or get a hobby, you will naturally interact with women who have the same interests as you.

But that's what separates us from eg. ants. We have more to us than just a drive to keep the species alive. There's value in life without procreation. If our entire reason for being is just to ensure that we create other beings whose entire reason for being is to do the same, then what's the point?
I started my family at a point where I had experienced what I wanted to and was then ready to experience the next new chapter: motherhood. If it had turned out that I had left it too late, I'd have had no regrets.
Life is for living and enjoying where you can. Having children is for people who believe life is happy and fun and a great adventure. Otherwise, why would you inflict it on someone?

@dailyconniptions ok well go tell that to countries like india, china, nigeria, kenya, somalia etc who have high birthrates and then end up flocking to the west anyway which causes a housing crisis/strain on the healthcare system

In the west we should be having more kids because its the first world while they should be ecouraged not to until they improve the conditions of thier own lands

I'm sorry, Op. I originally said you sounded like a catch but I can see now why you are finding things difficult.

Women have children. There's no "we".

It's blindingly obvious why you're single and moaning about it on the internet.

Also, Op. The word is spelled their not thier.

Yeah, it’s this sort of thing that will put women off. In my late 20s I was having a lot of fun with lots of people, still getting established for life in my professional career and would run a mile if any man thought I was useful for having his prescribed number of children (no reference to how many children she might want then!) at a time when he decided it was right scientifically, without considering whether it was the right time in her life.

You’re looking for an incubator and not a partner. You don’t have a right to children any more than my husband and I did when we were faced with infertility. And he and I are as much a family as anyone with children. You might want to modify your thoughts on that too.

Try getting a life for yourself first, and make yourself someone who would attract love, rather than setting out a list of demands as if you can order a woman from a menu.

To put it in scientific terms you can better comprehend, what's going on with you and prospective partners is called natural selection. Despite what you offer, women seem to be put off. The future of the species is dependent on natural selection if we're going to continue to genetically evolve. Your narrow-minded, biology driven ideas of a woman are going to ensure that no woman is going to want to fill the role of wife and mother with you as their partner. A woman is a whole person not just a means to an end.

No mention of love still, four posts in.

Oh dear.

In your posts you sound very naive and bitter in equal measure. Neither traits are appealing to women.

just having the company of a woman who likes you and is attracted to you. Coming home after work and actually having someone who wants to share thier life with you

Rein it in a bit, people? Remember that autism causes social and communication difficulties and therefore the OP may use different terms than you'd expect.

I have an autistic son who was also very theoretical and more than a bit pompous about his preferences in a partner -- before he had his first real life girlfriend.

I wouldn't worry about any of that these days. Women are very career-oriented and disinterested in settling down or having children these days. You seem well-meaning, but you'll get a lot of blow-back here on Mumsnet. I wish you well in any case. Get yourself some beer and watch some kicky ball or something. There are better ways of spending your time than thinking about finding a woman.

countries like india, china, nigeria, kenya, somalia etc who have high birthrates

You need to read up on this a bit more. Both China and India but especially China are facing a massive decline in birth rates. The one child policy has been lifted but its effects linger.
African countries do have higher birthrates but these are dropping as well, especially as education becomes more widely available for girls.
You come across as a bit white race supremacist (I hope you are not but this is the impression you are giving).

You are at risk of scaring off any potential partners with your 3-4 children requests. Find a woman you like and take it from there, see how many children she wants. It needs to be a partnership and you decide together.

Becoming a parent isn't a right and it isn't guaranteed even if you do find the right person.
Relax, get off the Internet and dating sites. Speak to women like normal people not some alien life form.

A bit immature to commit to wanting 3/4 kids when you don’t know how much upheaval just one can cause in your life.

I said in my earlier post that you are risking coming across as a man who wants an incubator. Now you definitely are.

Many women do not want any more than two DC. Some don’t want more than one. If your future wife decides she’s not having more than one, perhaps after a difficult birth, will you accept that? You sound like you won’t.

What have you done about your goals since you posted last time?

Miss Perfect isn’t going to suddenly appear on your doorstep. If you really want to be a father by 35 then you need to proactively work towards that goal. You need to treat this like looking for a job.

Your post still comes off as very red flag. You seem to see a wife as an incubator who is there to compliment your body. If I knew someone who read your post and wanted to date you then I’d be screaming red flag unless you were both entering into a contractual agreement where she is your surrogate or something.

People don’t learn how to talk to the opposite sex from others btw. How about starting off by seeing women as people and potential friends rather than only interacting with those who meet your crazy criteria? The more friends you have, the more likely you’ll meet someone who might want to date you. If that ever happens to you, don’t scare them off with your rigid deadlines and goals. Even people who might want a serious relationship want fun and light heartedness for a few years before subjects like babies come up.

Do you have male friends OP?