Late diagnosis of ASD in forties and my relationships

[99problems9]

Hi. I got diagnosed recently in my early 40s with ASD. I was really enthusiastic throughout the whole process of finding out who I really am. But now I am sad. I don’t think I have one relationship in my life where I feel myself in. I am surrounded by an ND family but none of them wanted a diagnosis and all deny it. They view me as seeking trouble. I’ve had narcissistic relationships and narc friends and now have very little because I don’t trust my judgment.

Has anyone else been in this situation? My life suddenly feels empty. I can’t decide if this is because it doesn’t align with me anymore but the past version who was just trying to fit in.

Please ignore the poll.

Are you making it your whole personality though? It seems to be a thing with late diagnosis that people think it’s fascinating for others to hear about.
It isn’t.

I don’t think so. I have a 42 year old personality but that one has lead me to burn out. The ASD is obviously a large part of who I am that I’ve totally ignored. It’s challenging bringing it all together. I would have thought that those who love you would want to be part of the journey. I just come from a family of heavy maskers.

I found that getting a diagnosis as an adult was very anti-climatic. It wasn’t the start of the rest of my life and it didn’t bring any revelations. I decided that the past was the past and to be open to the fact that in the decades I had left, there would either mistakes, trauma and horrible people amongst the joys, achievements and fab people. That’s life isn’t it?

I think you need to accept that while this journey and diagnosis is something you've chosen to pursue, that doesn't mean that it's right for others. Them choosing not to pursue a diagnosis or analyse themselves isn't necessarily wrong, it's just a different choice to yours. They are entitled to their autonomy. This is all new to you and I think it's normal to see everything through the lens of your diagnosis at first. Give yourself time and accept that others can make different choices.

It might be an idea to find a support group or try some therapy? I can imagine it’s a challenge to come to terms with at this stage of life. If you’ve found the process useful, you’re going to want people you love to get that too. But they’re on their own path and perhaps don’t see any benefit yet - you do sound quite conflicted about it.

If you have nothing useful to say, then maybe just don't.

I got late diagnosed autistic at 44 and it has been a tough few years since then. Im four years in and im slowly starting to get on top of it.

Things that have helped me are remembering:

1. Not everyone needs to know or wants to know about me. I really only tell people who are going to be around me a lot. Honestly, nobody cares.

1. The way I am has always been the same I am just more aware. You'd be surprised at how many people have guessed already.

1. I make time for me much more now. Quiet time every single day. If it helps me I do it. I also dont look back - im not going that way.

1. I still dont understand people very well, and I find social company so very tiring because im still learning and will always be learning.

Learning to like the person looking back at you in the mirror is really hard, I hope you find it easier than I have.

My family are a bunch of maskers, we’ve been taught suppression and working and never complaining. It’s all I’ve ever known so this is hard to come to terms with. I don’t have any one to go to for some love I suppose. This is not what we do in my family. But what I want is some support.

@NeelyOHara it's obviously going to feel hard for you that your family are in a very different place with this to you. I'm also late diagnosed (AuDHD) and my parents are in total denial about it. Weirdly, they accept their DGCs' diagnoses but can't accept mine.

Protect yourself. They've shown you they don't understand and don't want to. The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result and all. You will need to accept where they are with how they see themselves as much as they need to accept your choice. They aren't the right people to support you with this.

You may have more luck with ND adult peer support spaces or groups, or perhaps processing your late diagnosis in therapy with a therapist who is well trained and knowledgeable in this area.

I dont understand people at all, I research and I try and learn patterns etc but deep down I don’t understand any of it and just want to be alone. But I also don’t want to be alone. I got the diagnosis because my children have been diagnosed and I want to reach them on their level and not be like my family.

But it is a good point. And I say that as someone with a late diagnosis myself.

I mean, the OP considered my question and responded, so they might have found it a bit useful. Maybe don’t try and thread police others.

And why have you @ me on your later post? That’s nothing to do with me.

I would have thought that those who love you would want to be part of the journey.
but what do you mean by that? It being central for every encounter? Being dissected at all times?

It's a very mean way to express it though. And clearly comes from someone who doesn't understand what it can be like to experience this and how much it can make people question lots of things about their identity and life pre-diagnosis.

I accept that continuing to push the topic on people who clearly have expressed disinterest and disagreement is futile and can also come across as disrespectful of others' boundaries, which is why I have advised that OP would be better looking for support and acceptance outside her immediate family, because we can't control or change how others think.

@NeelyOHara I meant to tag OP, sorry. Mistake.

I get this. My parents are of a generation where they masked to survive and this has stuck so they aren’t capable of hearing me out. I on the other hand don’t want this for my children, living a half life. I’m just sad to realise I don’t and will never have their support, they don’t want to know at all and push me away. They told me that I was over reacting with my kids but they have both subsequently been diagnosed.

My DD was diagnosed at 17 and even at that age she's spent a lot of time reflecting. It's a big thing to know about yourself and does take time to think about the implications of it and grieve a little for your younger self and how they may have struggled.

I am the shame that my family has been carrying but I have said it out loud. I feel the shame but I don’t feel ashamed of my children and their diagnosis. I feel like I’m in a difficult place.

Shame is powerful and unfortunately I think a lot of ND people are made to feel this way. Hopefully your diagnosis is the start of the process for you to address these feelings.
But you can't really change your parents or the way they have treated you. But you can do differently for your children.

Thank you. This is why I’ve gone down this journey. If I’m ashamed of myself then so will
they and I don’t want them to have my life, they don’t need to be ashamed.

Oh op, I totally get it. I am awaiting an ADHD diagnosis and very much believe I am ADHD.
my mum has spent her life masking and is very rude to me about my wanting a proper diagnosis. All my life I’ve struggled with behaviour and impulse and rejection sensitivity. She says it’s just who I am and won’t discuss it. I absolutely get where you’re coming from, it can feel isolating and feels like being gaslit. Sending solidarity.
I do think online groups can be very helpful though.

It’s not who we are though is it, we are not our behaviour, we are people underneath. My child has always been told that that behaviour is just a symptom often of unmet needs. I can see this in my life. Seeking attention and acceptance from people who aren’t able to offer this. It’s always been an unmet need of mine and now I understand why I keep trying. A diagnosis helps with so much.

You are right. It’s not who we are it’s a result of our condition. I am the most insecure person I know. And I’m sure it’s to do with undiagnosed ADHD. If you ever want to chat more about it. Message me

I’m sorry that it sounds like you’re having a tough time of it.

The one thing that occurs to me as I read your thread - and occurs to me when I read threads where people have a similar diagnosis in the context of a family that does not feel supportive - is that if you are ND and you suspect that your parents / other family members are also ND, it is perhaps understandable that you may have different perspectives and struggle to see and understand each others perspectives? There has obviously been evolution in how ND is seen over the last generation or so, which impacts things, but also if your parents / family members mask and struggle with social relations and you have been brought up doing the same, it is understandable that it might not be easy for your family to accept that you are yourself evolving and it maybe challenging for them to evolve with you, especially if the strategies and practices they have put in place in terms of masking have helped them survive in a world which was traditionally less sympathetic to ND. I hope that makes sense and isn’t offensive - in my family there are various NDs and I see that some family members find it particularly difficult to see each others perspectives and support each other and ironically these are the most similar family members (they cannot see this) and this is part of the reason their relationship dynamic is so complex. As others have said, the only person whose responses you can really affect are yours - it sounds like you’ve sought a diagnosis for good reasons around your children and that you might be able to use your diagnosis to help you understand and connect with your children, which is really positive. Perhaps in relation to other family members, if you think they are ND, but they do not want a diagnosis, try to consider why that might be - what might they be frightened of - and consider, if they had a diagnosis, how that might impact your behaviour towards them and whether there is anything you might helpfully implement to improve your relations even without a diagnosis. I am suggesting this not because it should be on you to make allowances for your family, but because it sounds like you are finding your family’s response difficult and so it might be helpful to think about how the relationship might move forward. Please ignore this if it feels unhelpful. Wishing you the best.