Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner cheating?

38 replies

SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 20:20

I feel a bit stupid for writing this but I just don't know where to turn...friends have one thing to say, my mum has another and I just ultimately don't know what to do.
Recently my partner was working away and I discovered SAVED messages on his laptop to another woman... Not any woman but a friend of ours?!
They were obviously ongoing and he was saying he wanted to take her on a date, how he wanted to snuggle up with her in bed...honestly it was just awful to read.
Both of them have stated absolutely nothing happened they didn't meet up they were just stupid messages and it stopped after a couple of months (how kind).
We've been together nearly 9 years, I have a daughter who he took the role of dad on very early in her life - her own dad has been extremely disappointing over the years and he has been a wonderful stepdad. We have a son together who is 5 who also adores him and he is a wonderful father to him.
I'm in such an awkward position where I now feel absolutely no love towards him, I have no trust I'm absolutely broken. We've been through so much together and this feels like nothing ever mattered. Now he's also saying it's my decision whether we give it another go or not, so now I feel like if I leave it's ME seperating our family.
What do I do here? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Itstimeforachangeagain · 06/03/2026 20:28

Just stupid messages OP?
Even if they didn't actually meet up he was actively trying to physically cheat with this woman. The fact you thought she was a friend is a double betrayal. So how on earth can you be the one breaking up the relationship?

You say you don't love him. You, quite rightly, don't trust him. How can there be any happiness going forward if you stay with this man?

BillieWiper · 06/03/2026 20:30

You need to make the decision to say he chose to cheat so he's out the door.
It's not acceptable and you'll resent staying knowing he betrayed you.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 06/03/2026 20:45

Without trust there is no relationship. So sorry. 💐

Original poster
SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 20:51

It's so weird like I know if any one came to me in this situation I'd tell them to RUN for the hills and I just don't know what to do! Why?! Maybe it's financial security? I work part time, I'd be financially ruined on my own. Maybe it's not thinking I'd find anyone else? Maybe it's how distraught the kids would be? I just don't know! It's such an awful position.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 20:52

Possibly wrong of me to say I don't love him, I loved him before I found this, I feel so angry and resentful but I guess I do still love him but the version of him that I thought I knew before this

OP posts:
TheNameWasOnceChosen · 06/03/2026 21:02

What do you want to do? You need to this about this and be really sure. Move him out to the sofa or get him to stay away until you are sure.

Mimicking · 06/03/2026 21:12

It's an awful feeling when somebody you thought you knew now feels like a stranger.

While it might not be ideal, should you decide staying with a man you longer trust is not your future plan, your situation is exactly why we have a benefits system. It's a safety net while you get on your feet. There was a charity mentioned on another post for people who are navigating separation. It's called Gingerbread.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 06/03/2026 21:17

Maybe it's financial security? I work part time, I'd be financially ruined on my own

You need to change this as a priority, you can't be dependent on a man with no marriage contract.
Do you own your own house?

Original poster
SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 21:19

Very true. No, we rent.

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 06/03/2026 21:24

Don’t listen to him when he says it’s your decision whether to break the family up or but. He made that decision when he decided to go and lust over someone else, and was prepared to cheat on you. Although they said that nothing happened, the intention was there.

Going forward, you’ve got to ask yourself, do you trust him, or be able to trust him in the future? If not, the relationship is over.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 06/03/2026 21:37

You have 3 choices now. Stay together, break up, postpone deciding either way for x amount of days/weeks. I found postponing a decision gave me space and time to process everything first.

mumpea · 06/03/2026 21:48

@SunnyGreenPombeari think a trial separation would do you some good especially for him you cannot be blamed for breaking up the family but he needs to realize that his actions should be not forgotten easily counseling would also be a good idea what a betrayal of trust from your friend and partner. Be kind to yourself and take some time for yourself x

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 06/03/2026 21:49

He has to want to fight for your marriage and it seems he’s rather pathetic and saying it’s up to you. If you want to stay in this marriage, he needs to be a bit more convincing as to me it sounds like one foot is already out of the door.

Notmyreality · 06/03/2026 21:50

When are the messages from? Last week? Last year? 9 years ago? Before you got together? Makes a bit of a difference.

Original poster
SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 22:00

It does, they were just over a year ago, apparently. They lasted over a couple of months.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 22:01

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 06/03/2026 21:49

He has to want to fight for your marriage and it seems he’s rather pathetic and saying it’s up to you. If you want to stay in this marriage, he needs to be a bit more convincing as to me it sounds like one foot is already out of the door.

The whole thing feels pathetic. He keeps crying and saying very over dramatic stuff and I just can't help but feel like this wonderful, kind, genuine, honest man has never been the man I thought he was.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 06/03/2026 22:29

What's he crying about, he's not the victim here. Sounds like emotional manipulation to me.

Original poster
SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 22:33

Because he's been caught I should imagine. I don't think he thought I would ever find out.

OP posts:
Babybirdmum · 06/03/2026 22:37

If you don’t want to leave why don’t you try marriage counselling so he can understand properly how much this has hurt you and then if that fails at least you tried and you can tell your kids when they’re older you tried your best. Some people stay together after cheating but not if it’s just swept under the rug usually as resentment will build

Izzieloo · 06/03/2026 22:40

This happened to me twelve years ago.

we agreed to split we had a mortgage so both lived in the same house till we sold.
somehow we fell back in love and talked loads.
Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t easy and it took years to get the trust back and it never comes back 100% but we are still together and are happy

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 06/03/2026 22:43

@SunnyGreenPombear when you say dramatic stuff, is he threatening to kill himself?

Dellmouse · 06/03/2026 22:44

You’re either the type or person who can live with this or not. My mum could happily brush this aside for an easy life and financial security but tbh my parents are more like roommates than romantic partners.
I couldn’t get over this because I wouldn’t feel like I knew my husband anymore. One thing I value most about our relationship is that I fully trust him - I don’t know his passwords, I don’t track his location and I sleep peacefully every night with do doubts. If something changed this it would never be the same .

Jellytotsapplepie · 06/03/2026 22:44

SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 20:20

I feel a bit stupid for writing this but I just don't know where to turn...friends have one thing to say, my mum has another and I just ultimately don't know what to do.
Recently my partner was working away and I discovered SAVED messages on his laptop to another woman... Not any woman but a friend of ours?!
They were obviously ongoing and he was saying he wanted to take her on a date, how he wanted to snuggle up with her in bed...honestly it was just awful to read.
Both of them have stated absolutely nothing happened they didn't meet up they were just stupid messages and it stopped after a couple of months (how kind).
We've been together nearly 9 years, I have a daughter who he took the role of dad on very early in her life - her own dad has been extremely disappointing over the years and he has been a wonderful stepdad. We have a son together who is 5 who also adores him and he is a wonderful father to him.
I'm in such an awkward position where I now feel absolutely no love towards him, I have no trust I'm absolutely broken. We've been through so much together and this feels like nothing ever mattered. Now he's also saying it's my decision whether we give it another go or not, so now I feel like if I leave it's ME seperating our family.
What do I do here? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

No…its him who has broken up your family

hes one of them people not good at partnering. Move on

Original poster
SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 22:48

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 06/03/2026 22:43

@SunnyGreenPombear when you say dramatic stuff, is he threatening to kill himself?

Oh no no no nothing like that! Just very like oddly like poetic stuff while his voice goes high and he literally squeezes a tear out. Saying like "I owe you a whole life, I've ruined everything - I'll be homeless and pay for you to stay in the house" just very odd. I don't know if I'm just emotionally switched off to it and he's guinely sad or if I'm seeing it for what it is, all a bit of a show.

OP posts:
Original poster
SunnyGreenPombear · 06/03/2026 22:49

Dellmouse · 06/03/2026 22:44

You’re either the type or person who can live with this or not. My mum could happily brush this aside for an easy life and financial security but tbh my parents are more like roommates than romantic partners.
I couldn’t get over this because I wouldn’t feel like I knew my husband anymore. One thing I value most about our relationship is that I fully trust him - I don’t know his passwords, I don’t track his location and I sleep peacefully every night with do doubts. If something changed this it would never be the same .

Exactly this! He was the most trustworthy person to me and overnight it's gone. I never checked his phone. We made jokes about how he wouldn't have time to cheat etc now I feel like the biggest idiot

OP posts: