Partner cheating?

[SunnyGreenPombear]

I feel a bit stupid for writing this but I just don't know where to turn...friends have one thing to say, my mum has another and I just ultimately don't know what to do.
Recently my partner was working away and I discovered SAVED messages on his laptop to another woman... Not any woman but a friend of ours?!
They were obviously ongoing and he was saying he wanted to take her on a date, how he wanted to snuggle up with her in bed...honestly it was just awful to read.
Both of them have stated absolutely nothing happened they didn't meet up they were just stupid messages and it stopped after a couple of months (how kind).
We've been together nearly 9 years, I have a daughter who he took the role of dad on very early in her life - her own dad has been extremely disappointing over the years and he has been a wonderful stepdad. We have a son together who is 5 who also adores him and he is a wonderful father to him.
I'm in such an awkward position where I now feel absolutely no love towards him, I have no trust I'm absolutely broken. We've been through so much together and this feels like nothing ever mattered. Now he's also saying it's my decision whether we give it another go or not, so now I feel like if I leave it's ME seperating our family.
What do I do here? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

This is lovely, and maybe the kind of story I was hoping to come across that it could work. I'm still very much in the early grief/anger stage and so right now I don't see a way through it, but perhaps. I don't know.

THAT is manipulation. Which is another side to him for you to consider.
H

I am so sorry you are going through this @SunnyGreenPombear , nobody deserves to experience this. You are upset because what you thought of your husband is shattered, well, he shattered it himself. And it hurts, because love isn't like an on/off switch, so you found this out about him, and you know what the right thing to do is, but you don't want it to be true. That is easy to understand. However, don't forget one thing - He is so sorry and crying right now. So what? He is sorry NOW, that he was caught, he did not feel sorry enough to stop himself from cheating. And that is the bottom line of it. He took your relationship, and absolutely disrespected it, broke your trust, and opened up something that was supposed to be only between him and you without your consent. This thing can never be undone, no matter what anyone says, even if you stay together (I sure as hell wouldn't), it will never be undone. And I am sorry, I get the whole "but he is a great dad" points, but that literally has nothing to do with his cheating. It is not something that will soften what he's done.

You did nothing wrong. You trusted someone you loved, and that someone betrayed that trust. It was no accident, it was a choice he made, knowing what it means. So listen to the advice you'd give to anyone else in your shoes, and run.

It’s emotional blackmail … I bet he wasn’t feeling sad when he was sending saucy messages. You sound very level headed so I think carry on calmly.
I think it best that you say you don’t know what you want at the moment and that we need to start couples therapy asap to help you decide. It’s such a double betrayal , are you sure it’s just messages? Your H saving these messages shows he treasured them. I would continue to dig for more truths while he continued to whimper on.

This is exactly what I said, why are you sad now and not before. How did it not eat away at him so bad that he told me? He said he didn't want to lose me...😳 Why wouldn't you think about that before the action?? I thought I knew a lot about psychology but none of this makes any sense.

He’s gaslighting u . He is a sleekit little shit who knows what he’s done and is trying to turn it to u. Get rid of him. U deserve better. If I can’t afford it just now stay until u get sorted
then tell him to gtf.
as foR her, id be letting everyone else know exactly what kind of friend she is

How recently did you find out op?
I have been where you are, similar situation also with an “acquaintance” of ours.
We are still together but, I cannot lie, it has been a rough road. The rage I felt was indescribable, it was visceral and I felt it for literally years.
The ONLY reason we are still together is because he did the work. All the work. Took himself to therapy, dealt with all his issues, took full responsibility. After that first week when he tried to blame me (and I nearly took his fucking head off!) he was forced to admit, to me, himself and his therapist, what a selfish, entitled bastard he was. And no, his (very genuine and real) childhood trauma did not excuse it. If I’d have a single fuck to give about how he felt, I would have felt sorry for him. But I didn’t. I concentrated on my own recovery, focused on myself and just….watched his actions, not his words.
5 years on, I am glad I stayed and I am happy. He is a different man and our relationship is very different. I prioritise myself a lot more now and I know if he ever did it again? He’d be gone and I’d be fine.

I think truthfully I was more hurt by her behaviour than his - I don't want to go too in to detail but I supported her through a very similar situation. You couldn't make it up but maybe I'll turn it into a book someday.. It is safe to say I'll be very cautious with future friends + partners. What a shame!

Gosh I'm sorry, crazy how common this situation is although I guess it makes sense... He said he'll go to therapy etc and he hasn't blamed me but he has said he felt disconnected etc but I just keep thinking there is nothing that can excuse it whatsoever!

No. There is nothing ever that excuses this shit. Nothing. And I will never forgive him for it, that is a step too far for me. I can accept that he did it and part of me understands the reasons why, but forgiveness is off the table.
But it no longer dominates my thoughts, it probably crosses my mind for a minute or two most days, but I just think what a pair of dicks they were, and move on.

No-no. I agree with pp. Nothing excuses this disgusting nonsense. It is a choice he made, knowing full well how much damage it would cause. But he considered his own tingle in his pants more important than your feelings and your relationship. So, no. Off you go, pal. The moment anyone flicks the "I needed connection" card, I lose every shred of respect, because it's a cowardly way of rationalising his own selfish choices. Whoever says this has the intelligence of a toddler. How does that check out: I am disconnected from my spouse, I crave connection, so I go on and connect to some random person to have a ONS with or an affair that is purely sexual - yeah, that'l fix things.

My thoughts exactly. Thank you all, I think I just needed some reaffirmation!

Good luck @SunnyGreenPombear . You got this.