Dealing with years of infidelity

[Crazycatladyh97]

Please please help me im in so much pain

My husband who I've been married to for 5 years has been messaging, purchasing content and planning to meet up with Escorts for 3 years. It started while I was heavily pregnant with my daughter, he frequently messaged after we'd been on dates, the day after our anniversary, the day before our sons birthday. It was his birthday Saturday and while I planned a lovely meal for him with all our loved ones as a surprise, he was sat in the same room as me messaging an escort asking to meet up in 20 minutes.

He tried to tell me when I found the messages he wanted a massage, her profile was on an escort site, had feedback on regarding the sexual nature of the massage and all her information on there made it clear it was a massage with a happy ending. I uncovered more, he'd paid for pictures from private galleries, messaged various escorts to arrange a meeting. All these women local.

He's begging me to give him another chance, making huge promises to be a better man, he says he did it because I was disconnected and he wanted connection.

I can admit while pregnant I wasn't always pleasant, I found it very hard not to be moody, I was sick and caring for our other 3 kids at the same time, ive also suffered depression afterwards.. but physically he's never been without, in fact we went to therapy (my idea because I wanted to be a better wife) to address healing from me struggling in my pregnancy but also because he wasn't meeting my needs in that department.

We did the therapy, I went on medication to try and help with my moods, I tried to fix my wrongs and all that time he was doing this

I don't feel ready to let him go, my heart hurts when I tell him to leave and he begins too then I cave in

Sorry you are going through this
If you stay with him you are agreeing to this continuing

have you been tested

I know someone whose kid is deaf due to a sti

So when you were at your lowest he was paying for sex. It’s a no from me…

Sorry but I can’t even believe you are considering this. He has no respect for you and will not change. Run as fast as you can. He is vile.

You are married. Your vows did not say “For better, for worse, unless she’s pregnant and moody, then it’s ok to pay other women for sex”. Over half your marriage OP. I’m so sorry but I can’t understand how this is even debatable.

Whoa! Whatever happened to “in sickness and in health”…? (Him! Not you!).
He sounds like a right selfish git! I’d have been out of there (or kicked him out) on the first strike! He is so disrespectful. What is wrong with you? You have repeatedly allowed this to go on and seem to still be under the impression that there is a marriage there….to be saved. Huge red flags - cut your losses, take him to the cleaners for his repeated infidelity and get to the GUM clinic asap!
You are having his kids annd spoiling him and he is paying for sex with money that should be there for his family. Just get out of this sordid situation asap.

Cheating is horrific but this is also a man who thinks he can buy women. That type of misogynistic entitlement is ingrained and will not change.
you need to find the strength to leave him.

I have only just found all of this out a matter of days ago, I've not repeatedly allowed it to gappen6

If you stay with him then you’re saying this is all okay, and so it will keep happening. I know it is hard OP and change is scary but honestly nothing is scarier than a lifetime with a man who has no respect for you and does not love you.

Look you know what you need to do. If you don’t then it’s on you and you accept you have to live with your choice.

’He says he did it because I was disconnected and he wanted connection’

No, this is wrong - he’s trying to confuse you so he can manipulate you.
He did those things because he does not respect you or your marriage. If he did, he would not have done what he has done, which is prioritise his penis over everything else.

I promise you, it really is that simple

You probably never thought this would happen to you and you are probably fearful of a future without him but it can only be better.

Oh gosh, @Crazycatladyh97 , cheating is always absolutely soul-destroying and heartbreaking, but what you have to go through is extremely grim. I hear you when you say your heart hurts, but please know that the right thing is not always the easy thing. Think about something, and think about it thoroughly: He is so sorry and begging for another chance, right? He was not sorry as he was cheating on you, betraying you and breaking the trust, opening up your relationship without your knowledge and consent.. He is sorry because he is caught. Ask yourself - would he be in turmoil, riddled with guilt today if you didn't find out? Or would he still be paying for whatever services he feels like getting? It is unimportant whether he would ever do this again or not - the point is that he broke something that can't be fixed, and didn't respect you enough to not betray you in one of the worst ways possible.
I am sure you know what is the right thing to do - please, have some self-respect and don't give a chance for someone who does not deserve it. You don't deserve this treatment.
Whatever the situation or his excuses are at a given moment - do not forget: He is sorry for being caught, not for his adventures.

Doesn't matter if you were moody , depressed or sick . It doesn't justify that your DH cheated on you . Paying for sex and a huge addiction to porn , etc. Just disgusting horrible sleazy man. You don't want to be around him and most definitely would not have my kids around . LTB as soon as possible. It won't get better if you stay .

he says he did it because I was disconnected and he wanted connection.

So he is saying it is your fault.

but physically he's never been without, in fact we went to therapy (my idea because I wanted to be a better wife) to address healing from me struggling in my pregnancy but also because he wasn't meeting my needs in that department.

So it is your fault.

I tried to fix my wrongs

More your fault.

Please listen OP. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever difficulties you had, it is all on him.

Now, this is all new and you dont have to rush into a decision about what to do. You may even decide you want to keep this relationship. But he sounds like he has convinced you that his behaviour is because of your shortcomings, and that is a really bad sign. I am sorry this is happening to you - you have a lot on your plate with your children and it stinks he is doing this.

He could have brought home an STI that killed or maimed your baby or cost you your fertility.

Years of cheating.

Go get full STI testing if you haven't already.

If you decide to stay, ask your doctor about going on PReP, pre exposure prophylaxis. He's not going to stop cheating. And there's a rising number of antibiotic resistant STIs out there now. You are risking your fertility, your reproductive health, and your life if you stay. Think about further pregnancies and no sex because he's high risk.

But you'd be a fool to stay in marriage where your lying husband is using escorts and indiscriminately cheating. Of course he made promises. They mean as much as a speck of dust. He's one of those cheaper to keep her guys.

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrific shock for you. It's understandable that you are reeling and just want it all to go away.

What you need right now is time and space to think, to breathe and regroup.

Tell him to leave for a week or two at least to give you some breathing space. You don't have to take his feelings into consideration and you don't have to make any decisions now. Take your time. Speak to your closest friends and family. Don't shield him from their disapproval and don't keep this quiet from a misplaced feeling of shame or humiliation. The shame is all his. You have done nothing wrong.

You need some real life support so please do reach out, don't try and struggle on alone.

And I will just say this - they're all full of sorrow and tears and promises to change when they get caught. But his deception and neglecting you, his partner, when you actually needed him to be on your team and sharing the load, is disgusting. The breach of trust is very very difficult to overcome and he doesn't sound like he's worth that effort.

You don't need medication, you need a divorce.
He is probably the sole cause of those moods. Another chance? I'd sit and plait sawdust before I ever did that. How awful for you op, you deserve so much better than this 💐

You need to take some space, away from him. To come to terms with the information. Take it in and really examine your own feelings about it and what you’d like your future to look like.

I’m not saying the relationship has to be over. Some people do forgive and move on from this sort of thing, and others agree to ‘ethical non monogamy’ in the relationship.
Every option available is going to be really hard, whether you leave and start over. Or stay and try to move past it. But you need time and space away to process - you can’t do that properly in the same vicinity as him, and he needs to reflect in your absence too.

So he got you pregnant. Four times. And now he’s blaming his seedy sex quests on (you) the fact that you’re disconnected - and the reason you’re disconnected is bc you were feeling crap being pregnant (by him) and running yourself ragged looking after his three other children. The faulty appliance metaphor seems perfectly apt here - he is blaming you for not working properly (malfunctioning). If he’d helped you more with your kids you’d have felt less crap - has he even contemplated this?

He likes seeking sex from strangers and is blaming you for this habit. You’ve done everything you can despite him doing fuck all so it’s not you, it’s definitely him, and if it wasn’t the previous excuses you’ve described it would be something else. With men like him it is never their fault and they will never stop wanting to shag other women no matter what you do.

From the timing (your child’s bday, pregnancy) it sounds like he may be using it as a diversion and a way to deal with stress. But beside the fact it’s disgusting in itself, he is using family money to fund this and doesn’t give a shit about easing your loads or your mental health, while you run around making sure he’s happy in the bedroom and being a ‘good wife’. How the actual fuck is he a good husband/ father? It sounds like he can’t be bothered to be and doesn’t even want to.

You and your kids deserve much better than this poor excuse for a man, OP.

You have only been married foe 5 years and he is like this already.

If you forgive this and take him back, he wont change. He will just know you're weak and he can do whatever he wants. Probably he will keep seeing escorts but be better at hiding it until in several years time, he will leave you for another woman.

I read SO many posts from women kicking themselves for forgiving this behaviour when they were younger. For seeing all the red flags and staying with the man anyway. To waste their best years with someone who doesnt love or respect them.

Dont do it. Leave him or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

No way could I come back from that.

Disgusting behaviour.

My heart goes out to you.

I had a similar experience with XH.

I took him back after all his pleading.

Then he did it again.

The thrill of the secrecy and the pull of the illicit nature is huge. His brain will have rewired itself to gain the most pleasure from this type of encounter. It will be a hard pattern for him to break.

I understand how difficult it is to end things, I really do, but we put loads of work/counselling/time into coming back from his behaviour and it wasn't enough to stop him doing it again.

All the best.

It’s not your fault and how he’s blaming you and minimising compounds the lies and deceit to the point this is beyond saving, sorry. He wasn’t just having massages and arranging to meet escorts because of something you did. That pattern of prolonged behaviour shows it’s just who he is and what he does. He’d never be faithful. He likes to pay for sex with other women. He’s into it. That’s the bottom line and no amount of connection or counselling or crying will change it. Don’t take any of the guilt onto yourself. It’s all him. Take care of yourself and your dc and start getting angry and getting informed of how to get rid and manage alone. If you stay with him, he will always do it. Always. And you’ll have given him the greenlight by believing his bs and not the truth. Take time to be upset, talk to your friends and family who love you, don’t be manipulated by him or made to feel guilty or ashamed. Get support and things will get better without him.

You will go through life never trusting him.
You will go through life thinking about his disgusting behaviour.
You will go through life wishing you d had the courage to leave whilst you had the momentum.
You should tell him games up.
No discussion.No explanation.No drama.
Just GO.
Do all you re thinking later
Confide in a good friend or family member for the support you ll need.
Don t allow him to interrupt you re life any further.
Think about bringing your children up with this piece of .
He s already abandoned you and your children.

Solid advice from @ToYouFromMe here.

You are not to blame for his infidelity. Fucking a stranger in exchange for money is not "seeking connection." Recognise your value and don't allow him to put this on you.