Completely shattered after partner cheated

[TimeTraveller2718]

please don’t post on social media

I’ve been with my partner for most of my 20s and I’m now 28. We lived together and, until recently, I believed we had a very happy relationship. We were even talking about marriage kids and a future together.

earlier this year he became very unwell and ended up in hospital. For weeks we didn’t know what was wrong as doctors were running tests and couldn’t give answers. It was incredibly stressful and I was beside myself with worry.

Since then we found out he has a serious health condition caused by an STI. Although it can be cured. At that point he had to admit that he cheated on me and slept with someone else around 7-8 months ago.

I am completely broken. I’ve had to be tested and I’m currently waiting for my results, which is very anxiety-inducing. The relationship is over and I’ve moved back in with my family.

I’m struggling to cope with the shock of it all. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I feel like my whole life has been pulled out from under me. I know that my life isn’t over, but emotionally it feels that way. He kept this from me for months, and acted completely normally, and I had absolutely no suspicion.

I feel devastated, betrayed and frightened about the future. I don’t know how I will ever be happy or trust someone again

You are in the absolute depths of grief. Mourning the future you won’t have but had envisaged, mourning the person you thought he was versus the reality, mourning your change in living circumstances that you neither wanted nor asked for. It feels right now that everything is against your will, that you have no agency, and that sucks so much. I have been there. I remember. You feel so helpless even though all you want to do is to rebuild and the person that you could always rely on to help you rebuild is the person who let you down so disgustingly and thoroughly. It will get better, I promise. You will meet new people and trust again. Just don’t try and press the fast forward button. Keep yourself close to home, spend time with people who love and support you no matter what. Don’t try too many new things or think about a new living arrangement until some of the waves of grief have subsided. He betrayed you and it’s not something people get over quickly, Sending you so much love.

Time is the only healer unfortunately.
Him being unfaithful has absolutely nothing to do with you as a person, and how wonderful you surely are. It is just something that he did, for his own reasons. You will feel happy again some day (soon enough). You will meet someone else and you will trust again.
It’s very sad when a chapter of your life finishes in an upsetting way, but in time your next chapter will be even better and you’ll explore and grow as a person. Make the most of your new found freedom, once you’re feeling a bit better. Personally I’d block all contact as any messages or interaction can set back your healing.

You are grieving, @TimeTraveller2718 , and it is understandable. Give yourself time, unfortunately, that is the only way. Feel all the feelings, the sadness, the disappointment, the sense of being betrayed. You did not deserve to be cheated on, nobody does, and I am sorry you have to experience all of this.
All of this is not your fault, it was his own decision to betray you. But just like how it was not his fault, it is nobody else's. I am just saying this for the future you, hoping you will maybe remember this - Him betraying you in this nasty way does not mean everyone would treat you this way. This is on him, and only him, but this will only be important for future you...
One more thing I would say: Well done, for doing what was the reasonable thing and step away. A lot of people can't find the strength to do so, even after being betrayed this way. But you did. It is always a strong, and admirable step. So, well done, OP, truly.

Ah, it doesn't allow me to edit, but the line "But just like how it was not his fault..." should say "But just like how it was not YOUR fault.."

Give yourself time, it's very raw at the moment. It's such a horrible feeling being betrayed and questioning your own judgement.

Don't shut yourself away, make sure you go out with friends and get some exercise, fresh air, try and eat little and often - stick to light and easily digestible food like fruit and yoghurt if you're struggling with meals. Having a bedtime routine can really help if you're having trouble sleeping, warm bath, warm drinks, comfy pj's and listening to a podcast or sleep story can be helpful. Calm App has some good meditations for sleep.

Be kind to yourself lovely, you will get through this 💐

It is not your fault.
I am so sorry you are going through this. There isn't any pain like it and it takes time to heal from.
During that time please remember this.
There was nothing you could have seen.
There was nothing you could have done.
There was nothing about this that is your fault.

You will doubt yourself. You may wonder why you weren't enough.
It has nothing to do with that. You are enough. He just wanted the excitement or had the opportunity. And he did not think you would find out. He probably made excuses in his head as to why its ok or why he'd get away with it.

The next part. Thats on you. Dont listen to what anyone tells you to feel or what to do.
Feel how you want. Do what you want.

The intrusive thoughts will diminish. You will be ok.

Oh OP, I am so sorry. What a terrible shock for you. Just remember that people who cheat are not worth the time of day, and that it's better to be single your whole life than put up with a cheater.

I'm almost 25 years older than you, divorced with no kids. What I can tell you is that I think us women set too much store by men. Even if you're in a really good relationship, you can't rely too much on other human beings, because other human beings are so fallible. I hope you find a great relationship one day if that's what you want, but I also hope that you maintain emotional and mental boundaries and independence while enjoying your relationship.

And take it from someone who has no spouse or kids, there are much, much worse things than being single. My life is free and peaceful. It's not without its downsides - yes, it can be lonely - but every lifestyle has its downsides. And I do have a nice boyfriend.

I really think that more women should consider a life where they never marry or cohabit with a man. It's a valid lifestyle choice with many benefits. There are many downsides to hanging the very nuts and bolts of your life (such as your home) on something as ethereal as a romantic relationship.

Also, just know that while it's possible that he only slept with one person and got unlucky, it's much, much more likely that he was sleeping around. I'm taking some pleasure in the fact he got so ill. I cannot believe that he put your health at risk that way.

I'm experienced with break-ups and the zero contact clean break is absolutely the fastest way to get over someone. It's the motorway as opposed to the country lanes, believe me.

I'm really sorry for your shock and pain. Men like that don't deserve nice, loyal women. You're a million times too good for him. 💐

This - it wasn’t you. Your response is totally natural combined with the added stress of has he infected you with an STI.
results from STI blood tests usually come back quickly - someone I know had one and it was back within 48 hours. The fact he hid it and lied for so long is on him not you. The norm is to trust.

If you haven’t already please cut all contact you don’t need to hear his lies and excuses. You don’t need reminders.

But my love, your heart will heal and your head will heal - but it needs time. Initially the body shuts down - we can’t sleep, eat, we cry as the mind tries to make an illogical horrific situation it tries to think back and go over it over and over - but this is the mind in hyper anxious mode. Just literally do what you can. If you have a pet cuddle it, if you can sit outside - but take each hour at a time. If you can’t do that take each 15 minute slot and breathe. I hope you get your results back soon. But this man isn’t on you- this is on him.

Thank you so much, reading this really does help me. I am taking it each day at a time, I have decided to speak to a therapist and I hope that will help to alleviate some of the trauma and help me rebuild

How is your sexual health OP? Are you doing okay? X

I am still awaiting results, I do think I will have contracted it as the GP said it’s very contagious. Luckily it is curable with antibiotics. I am just preparing myself for the worst. And once I deal with that then I can put rhis all behind me

@TimeTraveller2718 I know how you feel OP. I was 58 and been married for 26 years when I discovered my DH had been cheating. It was like being run over by an express train, only worse. I couldn't eat, sleep or think and I felt so, so ill. There was a mixture of extreme sadness and anger that I'd never experienced before. All I can say is, you are only 28 and at least you found out what a scumbag he is before you wasted your whole life on him, or had children.

I feel so awful for you but the universe outed him for you and now you don't have to spend another day with a man who doesn't respect you. I'm so sorry x

He told me that he was never going to tell me and I would have ended up marrying him. I feel it was meant to be that I found out and I do take some comfort in that

Has he been open about how it happened? Was it a one night stand with a stranger or someone he knew? Really disgusting behaviour from him to not wear protection and expose you too and not tell you. As he has found out that has long term consequences for your health. So sorry you are going through this.

One night stand with a stranger, said he doesn’t know who she is. I do believe he has probably cheated more than once but of course he denies this and keeps saying it was the biggest mistake of his life but he hasn’t tried to get back together, I think due to the severity of the situation, he knows I could never!

To try and win you back would be a fool's errand, the least he can do is of course, leave you alone @TimeTraveller2718 . I could never forgive cheating for whatever reason, but there is a special award for being extra disgusting for those who would do such a thing without protection. It is however, comforting that something like this did not surface down the line, after getting married, and having kids together - speaking of which, if he cheated with a stranger without protection, who knows if he managed to turn himself into a dad already without knowing.

Hi OP, I was your age when I found out my DH had been having an affair with a colleague. One of, if not the most hardest thing I’ve ever went through. Be kind to yourself as you are grieving.

All I can say is that time heals, it really does. I remember reading similar stories online and thinking I’d never get through the hurt and pain. However, I ended up having some amazing years in my early 30s with new friends and it shaped me into my late 30s when I met my now DH.

You’ve got this. Leave this cheating man in your past as one day you will look back and be really very grateful you did.

He most certainly cheated before (and maybe after) this so-called ONS (who knows if it really was a ONS). Cheaters only admit to what cannot be hidden anymore (and even then they'll still try to flimflam you). The 'ONS' was only the tip of an iceberg.

OP, I suggest you read ChumpLady.com. She is very clear and helpful about cheaters, and her ChumpNationeers have a world of experience and wisdom too.

I'm very sorry he betrayed you so horribly.

This. When did you have your test? Most tests are back within 3 days and sometimes in a day. Can you start antibiotics proactively? I really do hope the bastard hasn’t caused you issues from a STI view point.

If he knew he had done it and didn’t tell you he has knowingly has literally fucked you over as to catch it he probably didn’t use a condom. Absolutely fucker.

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses, each one brings me comfort. He hasn’t contacted me since he I left our home, I know that’s probably better but it makes me think he just doesn’t care. I would never ever take him back but that doesn’t make it easier .

No wonder you're feeling so shocked and shaken.

What you're going through is grief. He may not be dead, but the person you thought you were with and thinking of building a relationship is, because you would never have chosen to be with him if you knew he was going to do this to you, would you?

Good for you for leaving him. Be prepared that it will take you many more months, possibly longer before you full substantially better because this wasn't just someone you were with for a short while.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP but glad you found out before marriage and children.

Stay strong, you will eventually start to heal x

Gosh, I'm so sorry, what an awful way to find out. Time is all that will help, that and keeping busy, spending time with family and friends, but also having time to yourself to relax and grieve. Things will feel easier eventually x

Im so sorry @TimeTraveller2718, he has been a real shit. Im glad you found out now before a big wedding etcetera.