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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling like I cant do anything

31 replies

Koalabear96 · 03/03/2026 23:52

So I'm just wondering i have a 2 year old, and myself and his dad are together but if I say I want to go for a day out while his dads at work he makes excuses for me not to and always says he wants to be there even when its just getting feet measured or feeding the ducks I feel like im going mad but this isn't normal is it?

OP posts:
Monty27 · 04/03/2026 03:00

No.

exhaustDAD · 04/03/2026 06:05

Hello @Koalabear96 . He makes excuses for you not to go out? That sounds unhinged. He sounds extremely controlling. So in short, not at all normal, no.

Did you talk about why he feels this way and doesn't give you any space to breathe? If not, you definitely should.

TheThingOnTheIce · 04/03/2026 06:19

What happens if you just go out without ‘getting permission’ ?

Original poster
Koalabear96 · 04/03/2026 06:51

Yes everytime and when I go with friends he sometimes just takes the day off to tag along. He always says its is because he wants to be apart of it and doesnt want to miss out when I try to talk but his someone you can't really talk to easily as he goes straight on the defence. His a few years older then me and I often wonder if its insecurity of the age.

I have just gone out without warning and he has asked where am I going who with but if ive mentioned it and his shut it down I just dont because he'll argue and I dont want that infront of my boy.

OP posts:
moderate · 04/03/2026 07:37

No. This is not normal. This does not end well. Was he controlling before you had a child together?

Endofyear · 04/03/2026 08:17

No it's not normal, he sounds very controlling. Do you have to just stay in the house when he's at work? Why can you not just go out?

Omgblueskys · 04/03/2026 08:32

Op you know this is wrong, why are you allowing this behaviour op, just go out and go out more, who is he, why are you even telling him, go feed the ducks don't tell him it afterwards, stop the control op,

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/03/2026 09:37

This is not insecurity. It's control.

goz · 04/03/2026 09:40

Why would you even be running your plans past your partner if he’s going to be at work?
No, it’s not normal for a partner to say “don’t take DC to feed the ducks, sit at home and wait to Saturday”

SilverPink · 04/03/2026 09:46

So he’s older than you, are you fairly young? No surprise he picked a younger woman if so. He sounds controlling. When he’s at work do you just go out anyway, so he won’t know? If I was your friend and I’d arranged to meet you and he turned up I’d be pissed off to be frank.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2026 09:57

This is NOT insecurity of his age on his part; it is control and this is abusive behaviour towards you and in turn your son. Your relationship to your man is therefore over or it should be as of now.

In your man's head he thinks you are going to run off with someone hence he wanting to be around you 24/7/365. He really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

How can you be helped into leaving this man?. Its of no real surprise he is somewhat older; he wanted to target a younger women because he thinks they are easier to control and or otherwise manipulate.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Think about what your son is learning about relationships here from the two of you; this is not the model he should be seeing.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2026 09:57

Read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. Your man is in those pages.

What is the situation re the finances and property?.

Original poster
Koalabear96 · 04/03/2026 11:01

There is a 12 year age gap between us, if I was in the position to leave i would but its his flat we live in his never put me on the tenancy or though multiple promises to do so. Im currently waiting on a Council property to leave which he is unaware of and that is my only way out. His very controlling with money has to know how much there is and where it has gone and been spent. Obviously I know this relationship is over and I do not want my child learning that any of this is normal because it isn't. My friends have been annoyed about him tagging along but they know his trying to isolate me at this point so it doesnt effect friendships.

OP posts:
TheThingOnTheIce · 04/03/2026 11:02

Oh he’s an absolute twat
well done for trying to get a house
you’re right not to tell him anything
have you tried contacting woman’s aid for advice?

Original poster
Koalabear96 · 04/03/2026 11:38

Yes I have but they said they couldn't do much as it isnt physical or putting the child at risk but its not healthy for anyone to live like it

OP posts:
SilverPink · 04/03/2026 11:44

As soon as you get a council place leave and don’t look back. Hopefully you aren’t married!
Do not inform him of any of your plans until you’ve literally left with your suitcase. I hope you have some good support around you. Where did you live before you met?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2026 11:50

Have you been given any indication of when you will receive a council property?.

I would also reenlist the help of Womens Aid to get you away from your abuser.

Pr1mr0se · 04/03/2026 11:56

You are right, this is not normal behaviour. Unfortunately it is what some women experience in adult relationships. It is narcissistic behaviour and controlling.

It can escalate. Do keep in touch with your friends and ensure you have someone who you could go to at short notice if you need too.

Original poster
Koalabear96 · 04/03/2026 14:29

I will be as soon as one comes available no they havent told me how long it will take its estimated 6 months to 2 yrs and im nearly a year into waiting. Thankfully not married. Before this i lived in my own property owned but had to sell that due to divorce from my ex husband and lived with my mum for abit until I moved in with this man at the start he was a different person and he changed once I fell pregnant I had to have emergency c section and he still made me do everything while he sat playing xbox and I've been trying to get out ever since.

My friend said I could stay with her but its hard as she has a child who has anger issues and lashes out which makes me nervous with him around my boy whose only 2.

OP posts:
ImpatientlyWaitingForSummer · 04/03/2026 14:40

I really feel for you OP, I’m currently on maternity leave and have two aged two and 8 months and I would be devastated if I wasn’t able to enjoy my time with them in the way I wanted to! Could you not go and stay with your mom again for now? Also sorry if you’ve mentioned this already but does he work from home, if not could you just go and not tell him? Thirdly what would happen if you just got your little one and said “we’re going out for the day”? Would he physically try and stop you from going? Sorry for all the questions, I wish there was a magic wand, I’d find this absolutely unbearable

TwistedWonder · 04/03/2026 14:50

He’s 12 years older I presume?

He’s an abusive controlling cunt - this level of control is abuse

Can you not move on with your mum short term? Get your child away from this arsehole.

Myfridgeiscool · 04/03/2026 14:58

You’re being controlled by him but you’re smart enough to realise what’s going on OP. Keep going with your plans to leave.
He's a text book abuser… you think he’s insecure..he waited till you were pregnant to ramp up the abuse…wants to know where you are. There’s so many of them!

junebirthdaygirl · 04/03/2026 19:34

Can you go back to your mum? I presume you would be safe there and go could go out whenever you wanted. Make sure to keep in touch with your friends so he doesn't manage to alienate you.

Original poster
Koalabear96 · 04/03/2026 20:06

Unfortunately my mums isnt a option because if it was I'd be there already but she's doing what she can to help. He doesnt work from home so I do manage to take my boy out but I have to just drop it on him on the day rather then mentioning it but there has been times ive text in the day im going out with our son and his said camt it wait until I get home which im not doing. He wouldnt physically stop me going but he does the guilt trip of oh well I just wanna be apart of it.

OP posts:
Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/03/2026 20:12

Just tell him afterwards, or not at all.

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